Ghosting a good friend because of grossness

It's worse to ghost.
It's easily done, I was in the car today and have very itchy ear canals probably a peri thing. I had stuck my finger in and didn't realise until I looked at my finger I was horrified at myself. Must be subconscious. Also a very itchy head due to allergies, carry around anti histamines. I wonder how many friends have ghosted me due to my subconscious quirks. It really hurts to be ghosted. I would rather be physically beaten up. Please talk to her, if you value her friendship. You can say it nicely, you don't have to say you're really gross, next time you flick ear wax in my living space, I will flick you back so hard not even Google will find you. Really don't say that though.

Ive got one that was worse.
An old friend that would pick his nose and wipe it on his trousers.
Didn't even care where he was or who was there.
I just stopped talking.
He done other disgusting things.
But I just couldn't deal with it it was disgusting I woul almost throw up.
I just don't have the stomach for it.
Lovely bloke bad habits.
20 years on no regrets.

I agree it's about making it about you. Even though it's totally ok to feel grossed out! But making it about you makes it much easier to say with less offence.

You could say you've developed a very strong gag reflex to things. I get really grossed out about bodily things and I actually think I could be sick. I don't know what's going on with me. When I see someone pick their ear like that it makes me gag so much'

Because you don't have the relationship to joke about it I can't think of another less hurtful way.

I’d be saying ‘Laura, please could you not do that? It’s making me feel sick, sorry, you know how squeamish I am’. Make it about you, not her, if you don’t want to offend, but omg, I’d literally be heaving, I can’t cope with people doing similar.

I have a sensitive gag reflex, am extremely travel sick on boats, no idea if it’s all related, but even reading this is making me feel ill. I’m genuinely amazed that anyone would do this in company. 🤮

It could be anxiety or similar, and the lack of awareness suggests it’s crept up over a long time, which might be why you’re suddenly noticing it now.

It could also be that she has some form of skin irritation, which scabby bits in her hair suggest. So you could also approach it from that angle, and ask her if she’s suffering from increased skin irritation as she seems so uncomfortable. Make her discomfort your key concern rather than your reaction. It may be that she’s put up with it to this point, but realising how often she does it might be the point she seeks help. And if it’s just grossness then she’s got an easy out to stop it without feeling shame.

So you think that ghosting this 'good friend' will hurt her less than you getting your shit together and having a chat with her? Lucyccfc68's suggestion was perfect.

Ah, I think she’s got seborrheic dermatitis. I had a boss (male) who had it inside his ears and on his scalp and had similar habits in the office. It’s quite compulsive to pick at it. It didn’t gross me out, I just wanted him to get treatment, he could definitely afford to see a dermatologist.

Sometimes people just start a habit and don't realise it's gross - either their own family used to do it at home so it seemed normal, or they've gradually "forgotten" it's not socially acceptable... one of my closest friends had a rather disgusting habit that I randomly noticed one day and then couldn't stop seeing ... I couldn't contain myself and had to tell him. He never did it again and we never spoke of it again. Still the best of friends!

It's not having OCD. It's just not being gross!!
Next time she does it, say "do you want a tissue for that?" It would really gross me out too. Does she do it in public?

I don't think anyone would be keen on watching this.
I would start the conversation around enquiring if she is OK, that you have noticed some changes and just wanted to check in with her, as you want to support her, but that you are also struggling with it yourself. Or you can tease her about it gently, depending on the kind of friendship you have, but try not to shame her. Make it about you 'I struggle with this' and not about her, don't say 'you are gross'.

Seriously, ghosting is awful. You don't care about her feelings if you're considering it.

I agree with this. To ghost someone is cowardly and horrible. You would leave her always wondering what happened. I can't imagine why you would put someone else through that sort of confusion and hurt.

Sometimes you have to be a grown up and tell the truth. If you're considering ghosting her and therefore never speaking to her again anyway it really would be better to at least tell her why.

OP, you haven't mentioned if has always done this, or its a new/worse behaviour?
How to speak with her best may depend on this

Could you just meet her in public? At least the pickings aren't going in your furniture and she's more likely to behave than indoors maybe? I wouldn't ghost over this. If it continues you could try and work up to commenting in the moment. Passing a tissue? I accept people suggest on good faith being forthright but it's not always easy.

You have a choice between short term embarrassment (telling her) or long term upset (ghosting). Sometimes we have to put our big girl panties on and have those difficult conversations.
Sometimes those habits, as gross as they are, can be a sign of severe anxiety. When I had post natal anxiety, I scratched my head until it bled, and then picked the scabs off again and again, my nails looked filthy from dried blood, i now have bald patches due to the scaring. I guess it was a form of self harm to try to distract from my inner distress. If your friend is going through a tough time, please support her. And if its purely a habit, then gently tell her it bothers you.

My mum was saying recently that with these types of antisocial habits we often think people don’t notice but they do! I am guilty of scratching my head/ clicking my knuckles but since she said that I do try & stop myself. So your friend may think you don’t notice though I have to say I’m not sure how I would confront this either. With the knuckle cracking I’ve had people saying that the noise makes them cringe but it’s more difficult with picking & flicking!

You're prepared to actually ghost her though. And I imagine you've talked to lots of other people behind her back about it.

It's much less harmful to find a way to actually raise it. You can say you have a very strong gag reflex and you know it's your thing but when you do that I feel like I might actually be sick' If you said that straight after the next gross act then just see how it goes. You're prepared to ghost but can't do this? Come on.

I'm going to massively generalise but I actually appreciate the way men can just outwardly say things to each other without all this bitchiness and cowardice behind the scenes. Yes I'm prepared to be shredded for saying that!

Ghosting is cruel and cowardly.

I've just visited an old friend and thought "oh no is that me??!"

I honestly don't think I'd pick and flick scabs or earwax, that is a bit gross - I know I'm guilty of pissing about with my hair though, I have a lot of hair fall and I'm constantly pulling out strands which float to the floor. 😬

So what would my oldest friend have said if I was grossing her out, that my fragile ego could stand to hear...hmm. She'd probably give a blast of a laugh, pull a mock-disgusted face, say "fuck's sake mate stop spreading your revolting DNA all over my carpets you freak" and I'd have laughed, been a bit shamefaced, said "Christ sorry mum" and then I'd have been a bit more mindful.

I'd be heartbroken if she ghosted me. Seriously, some people with grotty habits don't realise they're a bit grotty until someone says something...

Just sneeze into your hands when you're at her house then wipe it on her sofa.

If she looks horrified then just point out she's always picking her ears and flicking bits everywhere so you didn't think she'd mind...

Just meet her outside of your house, has she always done this though or is it new because it could be a sign of OCD or anxiety and ghosting someone that's already struggling with life seems really extra cruel.