Ghosting a good friend because of grossness

To give another perspective she might not realise she is doing it - I have bad ear and scalp psoriasis and pick both these areas as a habit - she may have a habit and not realise where she is doing it - maybe ask her if it’s a health condition. It’s a very horrible thing to have and painful and embarrassing.

Don’t ghost her and it sounds as if you don’t want to lose her as a friend.
Next time she does it, pass her a tissue and ask her to use it instead of flicking/wiping.
If she hasn’t realised she does it, which is probably the case, she’ll be super aware and hopefully stop.
If she continues, then make a comment like “oh my god, you’re still flicking, it’s not pleasant you know”

All these suggested attempts to be tactful and 'kind' make me cringe, and I'd feel far worse being in the receiving end of them, then if a friend just said "ew... get a tissue or something!"

My best friend used to sneeze into his hands and then wipe them on his trousers!!!! I'm the most socially awkward people pleaser you could come across, but I still managed (eventually!) to say "ew! What did you just do?" And he doesn't do it any more.

If a friend is good to me, kind to me, funny to me, gracious to me, compassionate to me…… but was, how you put it a bit ‘gross’…. I’d have more time for her than any cleanly goddess who was shit to me!

I would tell her before you write her off and ghost her.

What have you got to lose? And she might realise, and your friendship be saved.

Would you like a cotton bud? Great you go find the bit that flicked into my carpet and I’ll go get the buds!

I'm a picker and flicker. It's a disgusting habit and I know it is, but I just love picking out ear wax or anything that I feel shouldn't be there.

However, I'd only do it in my home. The next time she comes over and you catch her doing it, say something like "mate, do that in your own home but not in my house, thanks". Short and to the point.

I’d maybe go down the route of it’s better you saying it than an employer or a partner etc and see it as doing her a favour.

Laura,

Awkward conversation coming, but I love you to death so would rather be the one that says it. I’ve noticed you picking at your hair and ears and I’m absolutely sure that either you believe you’re doing it subtly or maybe you don’t actually realise, but I’ve noticed it a lot recently and if I’ve noticed it I’m sure other peoplr have and would hate for you to be in an uncomfortable position..

I would say this (and I know this is my language and not yours, but here goes):

"Mary, you know when you pick your ears or whatever and flick in on the floor? Can you not do it because it makes me feel really ill?"

It's either that (saying something), ghosting, or continuing to be grossed out.
Those are the choices.

I think it’s best to be honest …and as kind as possible.

As soon as you see that she has started doing it stop what you are talking about and say oh yes that reminds me…Jane I’ve noticed you seem to be dealing with an ear and scalp problem…are you ok….what is it exactly …have you seen the doctor about it.
If she tries to minimise it, say …no I’m really concerned about it Jane …quite apart from it being an unpleasant thing for your friends to have to deal with, there’s a risk of infection so please think about seeing the doctor…promise me you will try to get it sorted….it must really bother you.

If she ignores your advice, then it’s ok not to have her in your house again and only meet her more infrequently in the pub or cafe or for a walk or something.
But hopefully, you can help her break the horrid habit.

Sounds utterly disgusting. Yes, I would have problem with this. I have psoriasis and am acutely aware of flaking and do my utmost to ensure that I don't leave little piles of skin in other people's houses - I would expect the same consideration from other people and would be horrified if they were flicking scabs and snot about.

Ghosting is cruel - but the alternative is being honest, which may make your friend feel equally wretched (unless, of course, she doesn't care about her personal hygiene and it's water off a duck's back). It's up to you to decide what your friendship might bear and if you should point this out to her.

I couldn't have someone in my home who did either of those things. It's disgusting imo

If you simply can't tell her that she has gross habits, don't see her in your home any more. Meet somewhere else

Thing is.....ghosting her is cruel

Telling her the truth might seem cruel and embarrassing to your friend, but at least you're being truthful and not cruel

If you lose her as a friend by being truthful, it's the same result as ghosting 🤷‍♀️

“stop picking”

”have you got fleas hun?”

“erm, do you wanna stop leaving your body parts strewn around my house”

”ewwww pack it in, it’s weirding me out”

None of those need to be said in a harshly confrontational way. If she downplays it just tell her it’s gross and not to do it in front of you any more. I don’t see it’s worth losing an otherwise good friendship over just yet.

This is the best way, IMO.

It's letting friend know you see/noticed it, find it a bit grim (enough to mention it) but not go into a long drawn out conversation about it, or going over the top to really humiliate someone. This way, it's quick, it's easy to laugh off, but it's been aired, so they're now aware of it.

All these suggestions advising you to tell your mate she makes you feel sick, or that she makes you gag, are seriously fucking stupid. How bloody hurtful. I'd be mortified if anyone told me that I, or my habits, made someone gag. It seems so vexatious, when there are plenty of gentler alternatives.

I wouldn't go asking if she had a health issue either. Seriously passive aggressive and =anybody with an ounce of sense can see exactly what you're doing, and getting at. 'I've noticed you've been picking your earwax and scalp, do you have a health issue that's bothering you?' - come on now. Faux concern isn't the way.

User I quoted, had it down perfectly. Follow it with a ',,dinnae do that on my carpet man 😂' if you want to make sure.

You don't have OCD, it's gross.

I have a friend who, occasionally, picks out an eye bogey and licks it 🤢. So disgusting but I don't think she realises she's doing it. If she did it regularly I would have to call her out, awkward as it would be.

So if you know you're doing it, can't you stop?

Ugh, that is nasty and I wouldn't want her at my house doing that. I had a friend who used to eat her eye bogies and it was revolting. I never said anything as we lived together at the time so it was her house too! Plus she wasn't spreading it she was eating it 🤮.
I don't know what I'd do in your situation. But I feel for you!

The trouble is with things like this is that people don’t realise they’re doing it!

I wouldn’t feel comfortable being rude or confronting in a serious way but I would definitely joke about it.

I used to work in a school and if they were picking their noses, I’d ask if they’re digging for gold or something.
Then we’d laugh and I’d tell them to go wash their hands in a light hearted way.
Its a disgusting habit but many of them would do it without thinking and so I didn’t want to embarrass them.

Could you think of something light hearted to say.
Or if she starts digging in her ear, say is your ear sore or something.

What’s with all the deflection suggestions? I don’t have OCD but this is gross.

I had to tell someone to stop flicking bits from under her nails when I was young. I just said “can you not do that in my home please, it’s grim”.

She was annoyed but she had to admit it was gross and there was about 2 mins of awkwardness. Then it was done.

you still haven’t said if it’s new, maybe something is bugging her so I’d ask.

I think it wouldn't be too hard to ask if she's having problems with itchy ears because you've noticed she's been pulling at hers (she hasn't but it's less gross than poking at them). Not sure how to make head-scratching sound better.

Honestly, truly, I think it’s much worse and will be more awkward, embarrassing and hard to move past if you frame it as an ever-so-tactful thing or sound like you’ve given it loads of thought.

It will be a million times easier to put behind you, and less miserable for either of you to look back on later, if you can tackle it directly with a bit of humour and affectionate outrage. Like something along the lines suggested by @Shmee1988 or @FatBuccaneer above.

In my own words I would probably, the second she starts to do it again, just break off from whatever else I was saying (or interrupt what she was saying) and be like, ‘oi! you know I love you but absolutely STOP that immediately, it’s grim and also surely it’s not great for you’ - and I might also point my finger sternly.

Hopefully it goes without saying but only do this if you two are alone, not in front of anybody else.

Could you say something along the lines of 'Linda, I've noticed lately that you're constantly picking at your ears, and your scalp, have you developed some sort of condition that's bothering you?' Hopefully this would open the door to some sort of conversation, where you could point her to her GP for a check up, or you could tell her about 'someone else' you know who really grosses you out, because they pick at scabs and flick the bits all over the place, and then there's the bloke at work who picks his nose and wipes it under his desk, then ask her if you have any bad habits that she's noticed, and finds unpleasant. Hopefully she'll take the hint, but if not, you're just going to have to come out and tell her.

OR

Could you say you've noticed recently that you've become hyper sensitive to people's weird or offensive habits, and while you don't want to upset her, could she stop picking at her ears, etc, and then flicking the bits around the room, as it's not a very nice habit, then quickly go on to ask her if you do anything that grosses her out.

In your shoes though, I'd just make a joke out of it, and next time you see her digging out her ears, say something like 'Crikey Linda, you'll be down to Australia in a minute, I hope you're not gonna flick that dirt all over my carpet / furniture, I've only just cleaned up!'

@RedheadedSoulStealer I really like that. It's the kindest and most thoughtful way to make the point really clearly without any confusion or room for interpreting it any other way!

"Hey "Jane",

You are one of my dearest friends and I adore you, but my OCD is getting worse as I get older and I am really struggling with things like picking of ears/heads. I've had to bring this up with a few friends and because you are so important to me, I never want something stupid to affect our friendship.
This is fully my issue, and it's a bit like misophonia of the eyeballs hehe.
I hope you understand and don't mind me being honest with you.
I am also asking everyone who visits to wash their hands on arrival so we can fully relax and enjoy each other's company".
...........................

I've got a few friends who request random things and have sent similar messages. E.g one likes everyone to bring socks to wear instead of bare feet and the other asks for hands to be washed too. It's no big deal and I value their friendship enough to do as they ask.

I also have a kind lovely friend who picks her nose. In public. I don't think she realises she's doing it...