Ghosting a good friend because of grossness

Oh good lord. Wiping your body detritus into things other people use or have contact with is vile

I would 1000x prefer to receive this than a shitty anonymous note as another poster did. That was an awful way to handle it. This was honest, private and good humoured.

I said it in a really light, friendly, breezy, jokey voice. Hope that makes sense?

She walked in and I said ‘bloody hell Angela (made up name) your feet are whiffy - did you forget to wash them this morning lol’ She said ‘really, are they bad?’ So I laughed and said ‘stick your nose inside your trainers and you’ll find out’

To be fair, she did and said they were really stinky. It opened up the door to having a conversation about how I had noticed it a few times. She is massively house proud and her home is a serious ‘show home’ and I steered the conversation down this route and asked if she had noticed her carpet being a bit whiffy.

I think she was a bit embarrassed and we haven’t mentioned it since, but she did listen as her feet don’t smell anymore. She bought new trainers too.

We had been friends for about 20 years, so I knew how to word it and the tone of voice I think was important. I definitely didn’t use the word ‘smelly’ either. Whiffy was so much softer.

We are still friends (we are going out for a meal at weekend). She was and still is a very important person in my life and I had to speak to her about it, as I knew other people would just talk about her behind her back, which I didn’t want to see happen.

Grim
Op I'm the same I'd rather avoid than have the conversation.
My dad does something similar he'll use the long bit if his glasses to scratch his ear, then wipe it and rub on the sofa. I have told him though and he still does it. So even if you do have the convo it may not stop her from doing it..

As soon as she starts next time, place a box of tissues next to her and let her know she can help herself to them if she needs one. Use that action to start a conversation... "I've noticed you're scratching your ears and scalp a bit lately. Is everything OK? Maybe somethings irritating your skin that needs looking at."

If she's averse to visiting the GP then encourage her to go to her local pharmacist. If she explains the symptoms there, they may be able to suggest something. Most pharmacists are incredibly knowledgeable, and they usually have a little private room if you don't want to voice your symptoms in front of others.

I had a friend that did similar but it wasn’t just skin picking, it was scratching, biting nails that got deposited on floors, hair pulling also deposited on floors, flicking micro what Evers that came out of scalp and fingernails, forgetting to wash hands - was jus plain stressful. Wouldn’t go round for lunch, didn’t want her in my home and I just thought I’m exhausted just being around her. Final straw that I went round to hers and found myself gagging - so yeah no advice but I disentangled from the friendship. Wasn’t doing it for me. Sometimes we don’t always have to keep friends. This one just didn’t suit me.

Just catch her when ever she starts and say in a warm voice ‘ please stop, it makes my stomach turn’ and repeat as often as needed

meet her in public spaces. Tell her to stop picking when she starts.

If you can’t have a conversation about it, then you have to ghost her. That will hurt her feelings so her feelings are going to be hurt one way or the other.

If you hurt her feelings by gently asking if she’s aware that she picks and flicks (she may be so used to doing that at home she’s unaware she’s doing it in public) you’ll be doing her a favour. Tell her that you don’t like it and are sure, if she does it elsewhere, other people will be far more blunt about calling her out on it.

She’s likely to be embarrassed but will be more aware of her habit in future and not do it. If she gets defensive and claims it’s normal or other nonsense, ditch the dirty cow. Then you won’t be ghosting her because she’ll know why she’s sitting at home alone surrounded by ear wax and scabs.

What happened? Was she mortified or okay about it? Are you still friends? It was really adult of you to confront things head on, so I’m just curious to the outcome!

This

@Woopdoggysycamosiy did you speak to her about this? I agree with the pp who said she probably doesn’t realise that she’s doing it and it’s not worth loosing a good friend over it! Tell her (lightly) but don’t ghost her!

Wow the amount of judgemental comments! She CLEARLY has a skin picking disorder. You have the option to be heartless like everyone else on here, or you can support her through it.

How horrible.
An anonymous letter is not kind, whatever you typed.
Just enabled you to be a coward while she was left wondering who, suspecting everyone.

Gosh! I'm wondering if this is my mum. Do they have a relative you know would be willing to raise it on your/their behalf?

Some people are odd about this. My mum is the loveliest person you'll ever meet. There for everyone to her detriment. However, she wears flip flops but has the worst feet I've ever seen and has black grime behind her nails. Her house is frankly vile. Somehow, there is always someone round. I've told her a thousand times but the problem is me in her eyes so you may find the time and confidence to tell her but it could fall on deaf ears. Get support.

You are scared of hurting her feeling yet you would ghost^^ her?

It's not her feelings you are scared of. You are scared of witnessing her friends. It's all about you not her

Don't ghost her.
If she's a good friend she will be really hurt and always wonder what she did wrong
Next time she does it I would ask if she would like a tissue
If she says why? I'd say I'd noticed she keeps picking
I don't think it's rude, if you say it lightly
She might not realise she's doing it

Eurgh, very sad, but I’d feel the same. That’s a tricky one to deal with. Maybe next time say do you mind when she does that. When she asks what you mean, tell her it’s grossing you out. Be direct, if she’s a good friend, she may feel embarrassed but get the message.

This is something men seem to find far easier than women.

Last time I caught a mate picking his nose in my house I just said "Dave, you better be about to eat that because If I catch you flicking it anywhere..."

To the point, embarrassing but unlikely to cause offence because we all know we'd all happily jump on each other if we caught them doing similar.

I can't imagine ever needing to ghost a friend because of a gross habit, because it would get dealt with very quickly and we'd move on.

I wouldn't go for light hearted, I'd go for honest.

"Sorry friend, this is really awkward but it's been bothering me a lot. I've noticed that you pick at your skin or your ear and flick it way. It might just be me but I really dislike when people do that in my house. Please could you stop / put it in a tissue / can we meet at cafes if you can't break the habit (insert whatever outcome would make you comfortable continuing the friendship)."

You need to tell her. Nothing to loose if u going to ghost her anyway.

Have a box of tissues at your house. When did sits down, tell her, please use a tissue & keep it in your pocket if you are going to pick scabs or bits out of your hair. I don’t want your scabs around my house. (Smile)

My first flat, one night, watching TV, tested my head on the arm & noticed arm of my sofa stunk of body odor. Similar to Prince Andrew … I barely perspire so I know it wasn’t me. Spray upholstery cleaner fixed it.

Realised the next weekend, my friend, fond of sleeveless tops was hanging her arm over the arm of my sofa, her pit right on the arm.
Just told her … hey, don’t do that, it’s making my sofa smell like your armpit!! Both laughed, and she didn’t do it again.

I had a similar issue with a friend who had really bad body odour. I couldn't bring myself to have the conversation with her but others were talking about her behind her back. I typed a kind, anonymous letter and sent it to her house. She never had body odour again.

I wouldn't care if she was mortified. Id ask her to stop doing it. You don't have to be cool or grown up to say this to her. Although I'm sure you are a grown up so not sure why you think you aren't.

I'd hope she is simply having these personal ticks/habits that she does when relaxed. Like I might pick my nose, inspect it, then put in the bin Not flick away! But only at home with family, not guests. Unless I was outdoors and alone.

She should use a tissue if she's in company.
She may have allergies/skin issues.
Some MH issues make people a bit funny about cleaning?

But other than just saying, 'yuck, please do that in the bathroom/here's a tissue' I'm not sure what else you can do.

Does she work with animals/ in farming? Dirty nails seems a bit off on someone who's not working with a lot of muck.

It's not unreasonable you feel that way, but I'd try and see if I could stop her doing it so much before fully terminating the friendship.

It doesn't have to be "breezy" or end in giggles. You seem unwilling to feel a few minutes of discomfort in order to deal with this. It sounds like this is more of a concern than hurting her as obviously ghosting will hurt her over a prolonged period. That's not a criticism as much as pointing out something you might not realise.