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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He just compared me to other people!

34 replies

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 09/09/2024 18:41

I will keep this short because I'm so angry and upset.
Before I start I will mention that DP is on the spectrum and I have adhd tendencies.

We have a few fruit trees so I decided to make some jam. Now I have a tendency to be messy when I'm cooking or baking and DP knows it, so I'm halfway through making the jam and he walked in and mentioned that I had dripped jam on the kitchen floor and there was jam on the cooker splash back where it had been boiling. Now at this point I was just laughing about it as he does struggle to have a filter on what he is saying and tends to just blurt out his thoughts, he also has ocd.
What really has given me the rage tonight is that he went on to say 'well how Come those youtubers don't make mess and my mum has made jam for years and never made a mess like this'
At this point I was just like 'well this is who I am if you don't like it then tough!'
So he goes off in a huff saying I have an attitude 😒

Anyway by this point I'm so angry I stormed after him saying I'm not tolerating being compared to and he has now stormed out of the house calling me a drama queen.

We've been together 13 years and have 2 DC 6 and 2.

He has a lot of other redeeming qualities but I don't think I can accept being compared to!
AIBU?

OP posts:
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StormingNorman · 09/09/2024 22:49

Massive overreaction on your part. And as far as coming home to a jam spattered kitchen, I’m with your husband. That would do my head in.

ScabbyHorse · 09/09/2024 22:38

He's got no filter and you were under stress,, he sounds tactless and you have a lot going on..if I were you I'd have also been annoyed at his comments. YouTubers can edit their videos and he shouldn't compare you to them or to his mother, that's not sexy. I'd love a wife to make me jam honestly Flowers

brunettemic · 09/09/2024 22:25

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 09/09/2024 19:56

To be honest I was more put out he stormed off saying I had an attitude when I was just standing up for myself. Maybe I was wrong but I felt hurt when he started comparing

Show quote history

You did have an attitude 😂

Arlobaby · 09/09/2024 22:09

Totally OTT, and drama yes.

CovertPiggery · 09/09/2024 21:11

It sounds like the straw that broke the camels back for you.

It's very draining to constantly have someone be negative and most people would have a point where they'd react to it.

I'd wait for things to calm down and then explain that I felt like he was saying more negative things than positive and it was getting me down.

Hopefully he doesn't realise he's doing it and will be more mindful about it.

You're allowed to have and express feelings OP.

Original poster
Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 09/09/2024 20:41

SpiritAdder · 09/09/2024 20:31

All of those sound pretty stressful. Even good things, like a new baby, new home, promotion, wedding can put a couple under pressure.

I think you have hit the nail on the head, in that you are working really hard all the time and it would be nice if he could acknowledge your wins instead of being critical. It’s fair to say you over-reacted this time but it’s a last straw thing where you really could do with a bit of kindness rather than criticism from him when you’re ears deep in making jam. Which is a messy project!

Hopefully you guys can defuse things and have a hug and a laugh.

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I appreciate your reply, thankyou. I probably did overreact but at times I struggle to keep a lid on my emotions, and the bluntness from him really doesn't help. Like you say if he acknowledged my wins instead of criticizing things would be different. Even a shit sandwich would be better!

OP posts:
SpiritAdder · 09/09/2024 20:31

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 09/09/2024 20:14

Well nothing major stressful but we do live abroad and are trying to do up our house which is a massive job with 2 young kids in tow. It just feels sometimes like all he sees is the negative in me :(

Show quote history

All of those sound pretty stressful. Even good things, like a new baby, new home, promotion, wedding can put a couple under pressure.

I think you have hit the nail on the head, in that you are working really hard all the time and it would be nice if he could acknowledge your wins instead of being critical. It’s fair to say you over-reacted this time but it’s a last straw thing where you really could do with a bit of kindness rather than criticism from him when you’re ears deep in making jam. Which is a messy project!

Hopefully you guys can defuse things and have a hug and a laugh.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/09/2024 20:24

Sorry OP but you were a drama queen, and you did have an attitude

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/09/2024 20:23

I think this is one for the ND people to unpick. His ND (telling the truth and liking order) meets yours (being a bit untidy and not processing criticism well).

It is what it is sometimes.

HeddaGarbled · 09/09/2024 20:22

I would be more annoyed about being criticised than about the comparison thing. You mention that several times. What is it about that that set you off?

Your reaction escalated the row. I find a calm but assertive “if you’ve come in here to criticise me you can go back out again” nips this sort of thing in the bud.

Original poster
Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 09/09/2024 20:14

SpiritAdder · 09/09/2024 20:08

After being married for ages, most arguments are like this. Literally over nothing. It’s stupid stuff like this that triggers them, when on a normal day what he said & you said would be a complete non issue.

I wonder whether the two of you are under any sort of extra stress on your lives?

I have found that when there is a lot of external stress going on- a DC struggling, an illness, a shitty job, a major bill you weren’t expecting, a family crisis brewing, a bereavement, falling out with friends, - when the world is throwing shit at you then I have noticed my DH and I will bicker exactly like you two have just done.

Or I may be massively projecting.

Anyway, the two of you should simply apologise and draw a line under this. If there isn’t some outside stress causing silly bickering, then perhaps it was just a day where you irritated each other and think no more on it.

Well nothing major stressful but we do live abroad and are trying to do up our house which is a massive job with 2 young kids in tow. It just feels sometimes like all he sees is the negative in me :(

OP posts:
PeloMom · 09/09/2024 20:12

You had time to go tell him what mess you e made instead of just wiping everything down??

SpiritAdder · 09/09/2024 20:08

After being married for ages, most arguments are like this. Literally over nothing. It’s stupid stuff like this that triggers them, when on a normal day what he said & you said would be a complete non issue.

I wonder whether the two of you are under any sort of extra stress on your lives?

I have found that when there is a lot of external stress going on- a DC struggling, an illness, a shitty job, a major bill you weren’t expecting, a family crisis brewing, a bereavement, falling out with friends, - when the world is throwing shit at you then I have noticed my DH and I will bicker exactly like you two have just done.

Or I may be massively projecting.

Anyway, the two of you should simply apologise and draw a line under this. If there isn’t some outside stress causing silly bickering, then perhaps it was just a day where you irritated each other and think no more on it.

MissUltraViolet · 09/09/2024 19:59

I was expecting worse. Like you were walking down the street and he pointed at another woman and said something stupid.

You've been an absolute drama llama here.

Original poster
Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 09/09/2024 19:56

fourelementary · 09/09/2024 18:44

Little bit of an overreaction? I’d just say- you don’t see them actually making the jam every step of the way, nor did you likely watch your mum make it… so they probably did or do make a bit of a mess now and then. Or maybe you’re a bit of a messy cook- some people are. But I don’t see the huge deal about being “compared”…

To be honest I was more put out he stormed off saying I had an attitude when I was just standing up for myself. Maybe I was wrong but I felt hurt when he started comparing

OP posts:
BobVanceVanceRefridgeration · 09/09/2024 19:54

notprincehamlet · 09/09/2024 19:03

Heaven preserve us!

Underrated...

mondaytosunday · 09/09/2024 19:26

That wouldn't have bothered me at all!
My DH once made the error of, when discussing why his socks seemed to be missing their mates, said 'this never happened before' referring to his ex wife's fe! I just looked daggers at him then laughed it off.

Choochoo21 · 09/09/2024 19:19

Do you both enjoy drama?

I would be annoyed he pointed out the obvious but you completely overreacted over it.

You know he has a tendency to state the obvious, so why not just say “I know” and move on.

xyz111 · 09/09/2024 19:16

You're both being dramatic. Your poor children to always have to live with that! Just learn to tidy up as you go.

Arlanymor · 09/09/2024 19:08

Seems like a storm in a teacup. We all get compared to other people all of the time, whether it is vocalised or not, in face WE all compare OURSELVES to other people all of the time in one way or another - it’s human nature.

He was tactless and you overreacted, followed by you storming after him and then him overacting and storming out. Silly cycle of stroppiness.

You need to both apologise and draw a line under it so that there’s not an atmosphere in the house because it’s not fair on the kids.

Maddy70 · 09/09/2024 19:07

Yup. You are being a drama lama.

Sparklfairy · 09/09/2024 19:05

There's really no need for you both to be storming about being dramatic.

notprincehamlet · 09/09/2024 19:03

Heaven preserve us!

Skyrainlight · 09/09/2024 19:01

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 09/09/2024 18:58

Which as I said would be fine but it was the ongoing comparisons that really rubbed me up the wrong way. I'm probably perimenopausal so I am more sensitive to criticism

Show quote history

I have those days when I overreact big time and am sensitive to criticism, I just apologise for my over the top response and go back to living a happy life.

Original poster
Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 09/09/2024 18:58

Skyrainlight · 09/09/2024 18:57

You are being a drama queen. Just tell him you'll clean up the mess when you are done and move on.

Which as I said would be fine but it was the ongoing comparisons that really rubbed me up the wrong way. I'm probably perimenopausal so I am more sensitive to criticism

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