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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my colleague is being creepy?

106 replies

notaurewhatusername · 09/09/2024 16:53

I'm having trouble with a colleague. They keep doing things that feel too personal:

  1. Always watching my calendar and asking about my meetings
  2. Noticing where other managers are and how long they're away (for example commenting why one of the directors had been on their phone nearly an hour in the car park and was everything ok)
  3. Asking where my car is when it's not in the car park and noticing what time of day I arrive frequently
  4. Asking other staff why I went to the doctor because someone had mentioned I was in the office due to gp appointment

This behaviour makes me uncomfortable. It seems like they're not respecting personal space at work. They are someone I manage too, which I think makes it more out of line. I told someone I know outside of work and they said perhaps I'm being sensitive which is why I would like others opinions as I know how to deal with it but just want to make sure I'm not making something bigger than what it is.

Am I being unreasonable thinking this is creepy or do I need to relax?

OP posts:
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Original poster
notaurewhatusername · 15/09/2024 09:10

@thebluemask and @StockpotSoup yes I set the rules but I want to ensure the rules are fair hence why I posted! I wanted others opinions on the situation as I'm aware I'm not getting great advice at the moment.

The underperformance is already being addressed.

OP posts:
thebluemask · 15/09/2024 08:56

notaurewhatusername · 14/09/2024 16:50

@Derwent01 I'm not an employee, it's my company

How is this woman a "colleague" then? Surely, if you own the company, you get to set the standards and dictate what does or does not cross the line for you - which this does - rather than some man telling you you're overreacting.

StockpotSoup · 15/09/2024 08:21

I think you really need to decide what you want here - a change in behaviour from this employee (and that’s what she is, NOT your colleague) or for no one to feel upset or awkward. You can’t have both. At the moment, you’re holding out for this to all be fixed without you having to do or say anything.

This is YOUR business. You presumably didn’t establish your own business by being a shrinking violet. You have to step up and take clear action. Hints about her behaviour being nosy aren’t working; she needs to be told outright. She’s also underperforming. You needs to address that too. I think there’s actually a correlation to be made between the two - perhaps less time spent wondering about why you haven’t driven in today or why Sharon was outside on the phone or why Keith came in at 10 instead of 9 yesterday would give her more time to pull your socks up.

It’s kind of you to want to keep the person who mentioned the doctor’s appointment out of it, but ultimately you might have to make a tough call and say this isn’t on. Can you even be sure Mrs Nosy hasn’t asked half the office rather than just the person who told you? You might not be dropping him in it at all.

You’re the one in charge here - it’s time to take that charge.

Original poster
notaurewhatusername · 15/09/2024 07:38

@LlamaLoopy I've already tried those kinds of responses yet the issue persists...

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LlamaLoopy · 15/09/2024 07:10

Is this really a big deal - just because they ask (for whatever reason) doesn’t mean they need to be given the answers! Just shut them down and don’t engage when they ask (and keep answers broad) eg:

asking about your diary …. Were you looking for time with me today?
GP appointment … it’s not something that’s relevant to work
questioning The person in car park on the home … none of our business
anything else … is this effecting your/our ability to do our jobs? No - let’s not concern ourselves with it then

sarahzbaker · 15/09/2024 00:16

Weird.
Go up to them. Look them in the eyes and tell them to back off.
See what happens and react accordingly.

Original poster
notaurewhatusername · 14/09/2024 23:58

@Crikeyalmighty exactly.it's so baffling and really getting under my skin

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 14/09/2024 23:54

@notaurewhatusername it's certainly an odd one given that you are the owner. If you were not I would have said it was someone looking to undermine you and make you look 'lesser than' - but I can't get why they would do that in this situation

Original poster
notaurewhatusername · 14/09/2024 21:53

@Crikeyalmighty I think I'm a good judge and really don't think it's that.

Of course, anything is possible but I highly doubt they're doing anything dodgy.

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Crikeyalmighty · 14/09/2024 21:52

Could they be up to something dodgy business wise OP? And hence wanting to know where you are all the time?

I've had a business too( still have) but no longer have employees but when I did I had someone up to no good and they were very jumpy when I was around-

Original poster
notaurewhatusername · 14/09/2024 21:49

@FictionalCharacter I also haven't added that another diary issue happened this week, the person in question asked me if I'm still going to make their 121 as I have something booked on directly after and therefore it doesn't look viable I could do both?!

I told them not to question if I can make both and the fact it's still in the diary means I can make it, and if I couldn't - I would cancel and let them know.

It's really getting a bit much.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 14/09/2024 21:32

notaurewhatusername · 14/09/2024 16:50

@Derwent01 I'm not an employee, it's my company

In that case your male colleagues are totally undermining you by saying it isn't a big deal. Tell them it's unacceptable despite what they think. They wouldn't like being snooped on, questioned and gossiped about.
It sounds like there's an unhealthy level of disrespect for you in your own company.

2Old2Tango · 14/09/2024 21:31

You're this person's supervisor, so you need to manage them. Do you have 1-2-1s, or occasional meetings where you talk about performance/targets etc? It's time to give some feedback that they are taking far too much interest in things that are none of their concern eg, car not being in the car park, manager being on their phone in car park. Let them know this behaviour is unprofessional and you expect them to concentrate more on their workload and targets, and less on what other people are doing.

FictionalCharacter · 14/09/2024 21:27

You're their manager and you have a right to tell them to pack it in. They're being disrespectful to you. I can't believe your colleague said you were being sensitive. No manager needs to put up with nosy questions and gossip from someone who reports to them.

Original poster
notaurewhatusername · 14/09/2024 21:24

@Derwent01 to an extent could work but is also limited due to how our booking system is designed. It could work for personal appointments although I already do the for personal. The go thing happened despite this as I'd come up in conversation and someone mentioned I was at the doctors,

Which the prompted them to "investigate" 🙄

OP posts:
DoggingDave · 14/09/2024 21:23

Some people are just very observant and caring towars others. Probably just picks up on stuff without trying then wants to check everyone is OK.

Derwent01 · 14/09/2024 21:22

notaurewhatusername · 14/09/2024 21:19

@Yerroblemom1923 the technology and business type doesn't make it possible unfortunately

what about using cover names or ghost appointments ?

Original poster
notaurewhatusername · 14/09/2024 21:19

@Yerroblemom1923 the technology and business type doesn't make it possible unfortunately

OP posts:
Yerroblemom1923 · 14/09/2024 21:16

Can you take your calendar/diary off the wall and keep it locked away so she can't access it? I appreciate not always easy as might be a work planner pinned to wall to show staff hols etc.... just an idea.

Original poster
notaurewhatusername · 14/09/2024 21:05

@BobbyBiscuits they sometimes are dismissive and very laid back about things.

However, my background is corporate so I do think that changes how I see things and I often have a more professional outlook on wrongdoings as a result - which I think is a good thing.

OP posts:
Alwaysoneoddsock · 14/09/2024 18:53

Sounds like hyper vigilance to me. Can be associated with a past trauma or anxiety. People can get misdiagnosed as neuro diverse.

Olika · 14/09/2024 18:48

You say it's your company so what you do is really not anybody's business. I would have a chat with this person to find out why they are so over interested in your doings.

BobbyBiscuits · 14/09/2024 18:42

@notaurewhatusername your male colleagues sound dismissive. I hope you can try and curb her antics. I'm presuming in an ideal world she'll leave and suddenly decide on a brand new career as a private detective. She sounds more suited to that!

Derwent01 · 14/09/2024 18:36

Renamed · 14/09/2024 17:42

Oh you do get types who just love to pick up bits of information and create drama. Faux concern is the worst “oh is everything all right, I saw you had a long meeting with Simon”. Oh did you? Well spotted, now fuck off.

Once when I was not forthcoming with details, had a colleague like this complain to other colleagues that I didn’t like her and it made her so sad…

see i usually say to the nosy ones, im undercover with the security services or eg gchq etc

Renamed · 14/09/2024 17:42

Oh you do get types who just love to pick up bits of information and create drama. Faux concern is the worst “oh is everything all right, I saw you had a long meeting with Simon”. Oh did you? Well spotted, now fuck off.

Once when I was not forthcoming with details, had a colleague like this complain to other colleagues that I didn’t like her and it made her so sad…