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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex seeing someone new

38 replies

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 11:25

Before I start - I'm aware this is toxic from both of us.

Me and partner split start of this year because I found he'd messaged a prostitute but didn't go through with it. He's an alcoholic and he promised to get help. We've been back and forth constantly, still sleeping together, then saying i can't do this, he can't do this and then going back in a circle. I think both of us just desperately want to be loved and we don't handle things well.

I'm planning on moving quite far away to be closer to my family, as without him, I'm isolated - no friends or family and he doesn't want to come even though I asked him to. We last slept together 2 weeks ago, in that time he's met someone else and has told me, and he wants to introduce the kids sooner rather than later in case they dont gel well, which obviously broke my heart. Then after spending a few hours together on sunday, we slept together again.

Now when he says he's met someone, my understanding was they had met for a coffee at a soft play and was like 10 minutes. It turns out they have shared kisses and sent nude pictures to each other, so much further in to it than I thought.

Am I wrong for being so upset that he's kissed someone else, and then come and slept with me? It's 10 years of our lives shared, I never thought he'd be intimate with someone so soon, let alone then come back to me. Or should I accept it as we're technically broken up and he did say he'd met someone. Was I being naive? I'm so heartbroken every day and it isn't getting better.

OP posts:
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Merseymum1980 · 02/09/2025 12:31

I think you would benefit from a book called women who love too much. Im not sure if your parents were addicts or dysfunctional (I could be very wrong here).
Also there is a great service for family's for addicts and co dependents all free and have helplines amd forums.

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 09/09/2024 15:38

You seem to be very reluctant to stop and think about your children here.

How many do you have? How old are they?

And most importantly, how is all this affecting them?

Are SS involved? If so, could they help you move?

Dreamcatchergirl · 09/09/2024 15:36

Girl if I was you I’d be overjoyed some other sucker was seeing him. Think you need to give your head a massive wobble for your own self but more importantly your kids. Makes me cringe as to why you’d even want to touch him. What kind or role model are you to your kids?

Pull yourself together woman!!

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 09/09/2024 15:22

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 13:41

He's been kicked out by his mum and now is sofa surfing and living in his car. I feel massive guilt over that and he says its a massive factor why he started talking to new people and how he met this lady

How are multiple women after this man?!

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 14:21

KreedKafer · 09/09/2024 14:12

He told you he’d met someone, and your response to that was to sleep with him. I’m not sure why you interpreted ‘met’ as ‘had a coffee’ - that’s certainly not how I’d have interpreted it. He didn’t lie to you.

He is clearly an arsehole who cheats on everyone, but you do have some agency here. You chose to sleep with him.

He told me he'd met someone, I asked in real life? He said yes for a 10 minute coffee at a soft play because she couldn't get a babysitter for her daughter... I didn't interpret, it's what he told me

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 09/09/2024 14:12

He told you he’d met someone, and your response to that was to sleep with him. I’m not sure why you interpreted ‘met’ as ‘had a coffee’ - that’s certainly not how I’d have interpreted it. He didn’t lie to you.

He is clearly an arsehole who cheats on everyone, but you do have some agency here. You chose to sleep with him.

GaryLurcher19 · 09/09/2024 13:59

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 13:44

I'm desperately lonely. He was my first boyfriend and I have a really low self esteem to be honest.

I do feel for you, OP. See handling this break up in the interests of your children as a challenge from which you will eventually draw some self esteem. Making good decisions, putting children first, avoiding repeating past mistakes are all things that a mother can be legitimately proud of herself for. And it doesn't require anyone else's acknowledgement. Get free of this disfunctional man and you can start to feel better about yourself.

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 13:55

TheCultureHusks · 09/09/2024 13:46

Of course he bloody went through with it!!

they all say that!

In this exact instance I believe him as I saw the messages the same day, but whether he'd done it before or after I would never know

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 09/09/2024 13:53

YABU. He told you he’d met someone new and you still went back there. You demoted yourself from partner to side chick. You need to give your head a good wobble and crack on with your plans to move.

You two living close by isn’t working for you.

Didimum · 09/09/2024 13:49

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 13:44

I'm desperately lonely. He was my first boyfriend and I have a really low self esteem to be honest.

You have children. They come before your low self esteem.

TheCultureHusks · 09/09/2024 13:46

Of course he bloody went through with it!!

they all say that!

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 13:44

Didimum · 09/09/2024 13:22

I sympathise with having to deal with a really unstable person with kids in the equation, but, OP, you are making some seriously fucked up decisions here – stop sleeping with him – like, now. Just stop it. What is wrong with you?

I'm desperately lonely. He was my first boyfriend and I have a really low self esteem to be honest.

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Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 13:41

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 09/09/2024 13:10

Didn't he move out to his mum's before and then you asked him to come back?

Get him to move out again and put the kids first this time.

He's been kicked out by his mum and now is sofa surfing and living in his car. I feel massive guilt over that and he says its a massive factor why he started talking to new people and how he met this lady

OP posts:
Didimum · 09/09/2024 13:22

I sympathise with having to deal with a really unstable person with kids in the equation, but, OP, you are making some seriously fucked up decisions here – stop sleeping with him – like, now. Just stop it. What is wrong with you?

PassingStranger · 09/09/2024 13:13

Move away and move on.

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 09/09/2024 13:10

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 13:09

I have to wait for a mutual exchange in Social housing which can take forever. I can't afford private and don't want to lose the security of social housing. I just need to give my head a wobble I think. It's so hard

Didn't he move out to his mum's before and then you asked him to come back?

Get him to move out again and put the kids first this time.

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 13:09

Just4thisthreadtoday · 09/09/2024 12:59

Then get your children moved ASAP before he changes his mind.Get his agreement in writing & do whatever else you need to do to make it legal.

He's an alcoholic for a start, I would MOT be happy with him having unsupervised contact with the kids.

He wants to introduce his kids to someone he doesn't even know himself yet.

I get 10 years of this co- dependent relationship feels like forever & it's hard to stop being that persons go-to person, but your children (& you) deserve far better

Take them to your/their family now, like this weekend. Hire a van & go, if you have a car, ask a family member to fly/train down & drive the van.

you can sort schools/job out when you get there.

Just GO.

I have to wait for a mutual exchange in Social housing which can take forever. I can't afford private and don't want to lose the security of social housing. I just need to give my head a wobble I think. It's so hard

OP posts:
Just4thisthreadtoday · 09/09/2024 12:59

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 12:42

Yes, he says he's really not happy about it, but he's letting it happen

Then get your children moved ASAP before he changes his mind.Get his agreement in writing & do whatever else you need to do to make it legal.

He's an alcoholic for a start, I would MOT be happy with him having unsupervised contact with the kids.

He wants to introduce his kids to someone he doesn't even know himself yet.

I get 10 years of this co- dependent relationship feels like forever & it's hard to stop being that persons go-to person, but your children (& you) deserve far better

Take them to your/their family now, like this weekend. Hire a van & go, if you have a car, ask a family member to fly/train down & drive the van.

you can sort schools/job out when you get there.

Just GO.

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 09/09/2024 12:56

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 12:42

Yes, he says he's really not happy about it, but he's letting it happen

Then run!
No matter what you both think there's no way either of you are stable healthy parents right now

You are piling on the ACEs foe your kids here.

Arlobaby · 09/09/2024 12:44

Can't believe there's kids involved here. Can't believe people's bar can be so low. You'd benefit from some professional support to work on yourself before thinking about others.

ThreeTescoBags · 09/09/2024 12:42

His priority in life is to have sex, and be it from you, a woman he's exchanging nudes with, or someone he's paying, he doesn't mind where that comes from. This is what stands out in your post for me.

To have sex with you it comes with, history, guilt, being faced with uncomfortable feelings, having to face up to his drinking etc which is why it's 'too hard' to be with you. His priority is sex and getting it at the lowest cost himself.

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 12:42

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 09/09/2024 12:36

Is he allowing the kids to move?

Yes, he says he's really not happy about it, but he's letting it happen

OP posts:
holju · 09/09/2024 12:40

Despite your feelings, I think you know really that getting back with him would be a terrible idea. The heartbreak will fade, for now concentrate on building the best life for you and your kids and building your self esteem so you don't end up going back to him when the new gf realises what he is like.

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 09/09/2024 12:36

Honeymonster2 · 09/09/2024 12:17

When bad stuff happens I can't help but think I'm being selfish with how I feel just blaming everything on him. I was there too, I was making bad choices too 😔

Is he allowing the kids to move?

Clumsy12345 · 09/09/2024 12:33

What a mess. Poor kids.

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