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AIBU?

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To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
ForsterMcLennan · 10/09/2024 22:09

AnnieSnap · 10/09/2024 21:33

Bloody hell, it’s a kitten, not an Emu. How on earth are your kids having a meltdown over this? Frankly, I think it’s weird that your children never wanted a pet. I have never heard of that. It’s usually kids plaguing parents for years to get a pet. This kitten will teach your kids a lot about nurturing and caring, even if they only see their dad doing it. They may, in the end, even fall in love with the little cat (these things happen). Stroking an animal and listening to a cat purring are well established things that reduce anxiety so you older one could learn to benefit from that.

I do realise that you and many posters won’t agree with me. I will say that your husband probably (we don’t know all of the circumstances) should not have done this without without further (recent) discussion.

Perfectly put.

SpanielintheWorks · 10/09/2024 22:09

even if they only see their dad doing it

Except, as is somewhat obvious, he's not doing it.

Instead he's setting an example of how to neglect a pet.

ForsterMcLennan · 10/09/2024 22:09

Serencwtch · 09/09/2024 07:00

You are not being unreasonable to be upset with DH as that was unacceptable of him to do that, however I think you are massively over reacting over the impact this kitten is having. A cat is not going to disrupt a child's education. Also pets can be really helpful to children with mental health struggles.
I think there a lot going on in your family and it's being projected onto this kitten. You need to sit down & work this out. If it's something that's very important to DH then consider making it work as a family. Personally I can't imagine living in a household where there were no pets & caring for a living thing is important for DC.

You seem to be the one giving the message to DC that the cat is something awful. I just hope DH looks after this cat & the poor thing isn't neglected.

This

AnnieSnap · 10/09/2024 21:33

Bloody hell, it’s a kitten, not an Emu. How on earth are your kids having a meltdown over this? Frankly, I think it’s weird that your children never wanted a pet. I have never heard of that. It’s usually kids plaguing parents for years to get a pet. This kitten will teach your kids a lot about nurturing and caring, even if they only see their dad doing it. They may, in the end, even fall in love with the little cat (these things happen). Stroking an animal and listening to a cat purring are well established things that reduce anxiety so you older one could learn to benefit from that.

I do realise that you and many posters won’t agree with me. I will say that your husband probably (we don’t know all of the circumstances) should not have done this without without further (recent) discussion.

Teenagehorrorbag · 10/09/2024 21:24

Well if DS is ND there's a good chance DH is too (yes I too found that out the hard way.....😀). So maybe he isn't being deliberately obtuse. But he was very wrong to bring the kitten home without agreement and then expect others to look after it.

I agree with PPs that maybe your DCs could learn to love Max - kittens are pretty easy and very adorable. But if that's a definite no then please return it or take it to a cat charity.

And if you do keep it, no cows milk, yes to neutering at 6 months, vaccinations each year etc etc.

My ASD 16 year old loves animals, and has always been close to our cats. But if its really upsetting your DS then of course you need to take that into consideration.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 10/09/2024 21:20

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 10/09/2024 20:12

Why does she need to look after this cat? She didn't ask for this cat, neither did the DSs and they as a family spoke about not wanting a cat in the house?

The husband has unilaterally decided this and foisted the Carr of this cat on them... and you think they should just suck it up?

Well yes, they'll have to suck it up until the poor kitten can be rehomed. What do you suggest they do, neglect him? If DH isn't there someone will have to feed and care for him.

EsmeSusanOgg · 10/09/2024 21:12

Grammarnut · 10/09/2024 18:46

Oh, for heaven's sake. Adults don't let their DC run their lives. The decision to have a pet or not is the parents'. The problem is that OP's DH didn't consult her.

I think that is already clear. Someone wanted to understand why the teen would be upset. I was explaining the teen's perspective. Regardless, OP the other adult in this scenario said no and her husband did it anyway.

sgtmajormum · 10/09/2024 21:07

Have read all your updates op.
My thoughts on pets are that every person in the household needs to be in agreement before getting a pet.
One person out of a household of four should not get to foist their wants on everyone else.

I'd be taking the kitten to the nearest cat charity for rehoming asap.
Your husband is a complete prat but you seem to already know that 😉

sunshinestar1986 · 10/09/2024 20:34

Lots of people seem to think everyone adores pets
I don't mind admiring a cat from a distance but that's it.
I looked after my sister's cat when she was away for a week and it was a nightmare
Actually I looked after him for 2 days 😅
Then I begged my brother to have him.
The cat pounced suddenly and appeared in my room suddenly
It was very unsettling
I like my peace and quiet
Also you have to feed it, clean the litter box, let it out, make sure you don't leave the house for too long otherwise it gets lonely, no freedom!
Why oh why do people like all this 😂

August1980 · 10/09/2024 20:19

your husband should have discussed it with you all first. Such a shame your kids are so intolerant of animals and so full of drama.

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 10/09/2024 20:12

croydon15 · 10/09/2024 20:09

Most children love the chance to play with a kitten you are ott and need to look after the kitten properly, hopefully you will get to love him/her.

Why does she need to look after this cat? She didn't ask for this cat, neither did the DSs and they as a family spoke about not wanting a cat in the house?

The husband has unilaterally decided this and foisted the Carr of this cat on them... and you think they should just suck it up?

croydon15 · 10/09/2024 20:09

Most children love the chance to play with a kitten you are ott and need to look after the kitten properly, hopefully you will get to love him/her.

NoJusticeJustUs · 10/09/2024 19:53

He’s brought a kitten into the house, not a rampaging serial killer, get over yourselves!

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 10/09/2024 19:35

For all those saying this reaction is over the top, and it's 'just a cat'... if the DSs and OP point blank refuse to do anything for this animal, no feeding, playing, vaccinations, grooming, any care of any kind because it's 'just a cat' would you all agree?

The husband has fucked off and left this animal to them, they don't want the responsibility and he's not taking the responsibility.

A cat can be a 20year commitment... it's not just a cat, it's 20 years of responsibility.

I hope OP actually really realises this because it seems she's just going to let her asshole husband railroad her into taking on all the car for this animal.

Everydayimhuffling · 10/09/2024 19:17

OP when he said that he was buggering off with no thought to the cat he is responsible for, why did you not tell him that the cat will be gone when he returns? If it's his cat that only he wants, then only he is responsible for its care. If he can't commit to that then he needs to give it away or return it.

queenofguineapigs · 10/09/2024 19:15

peacockshrimp · 10/09/2024 19:08

i’m at the opposite end of the argument.. have wanted a pet al my life, have the funds, training and house to do it but my DH is against the idea. I get that it’s not a good idea to impose a pet on someone that doesn’t want one, but should he never be able to fulfill his wish because it’s not on your roadmap? This is assuming he CAN take care of said pet.
With the kids, it sounds like a sticking point of who has more influence over the household, a power struggle and not really about the cat In which case, Id encourage them to support their parent and try to make it work as a family. otherwise the poor cat will pay the price of a disfunction in the house.

Yes, having pets is a serious commitment and if the partners aren't on the same page you don't get one. If the pet is that important you leave the partner and live elsewhere with your cat (in this case).

Interestingly my mother always wanted a cat and my dad didn't like them so she couldn't have one. But actually when they got divorced she didn't get one. One visits her now - so she gets the benefits without the commitment!

queenofguineapigs · 10/09/2024 19:13

Grammarnut · 10/09/2024 18:46

Oh, for heaven's sake. Adults don't let their DC run their lives. The decision to have a pet or not is the parents'. The problem is that OP's DH didn't consult her.

I'm all for discipline and parents "outranking" kids, to quote Outnumbered, but parents should not get pets if the kids don't want them. Especially if they then expect them to help look after them, less of an issue with cats, but they still need attention and feeding etc.

peacockshrimp · 10/09/2024 19:08

i’m at the opposite end of the argument.. have wanted a pet al my life, have the funds, training and house to do it but my DH is against the idea. I get that it’s not a good idea to impose a pet on someone that doesn’t want one, but should he never be able to fulfill his wish because it’s not on your roadmap? This is assuming he CAN take care of said pet.
With the kids, it sounds like a sticking point of who has more influence over the household, a power struggle and not really about the cat In which case, Id encourage them to support their parent and try to make it work as a family. otherwise the poor cat will pay the price of a disfunction in the house.

Toptops · 10/09/2024 18:58

Obviously your husband shouldn't have unilaterally made that decision about a family pet. Take it back or re-home it if you don't know where he got it from.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 10/09/2024 18:52

Your son needs to get a grip, seriously! Whats going on in his life that a tiny kitten has him in tears and threatening to not return home.

As a child he doesn't get a say in what an adult decides to purchase.

OK, maybe your husband should have talked it over with you but it's literally just a cat.

Unsubtleturtle · 10/09/2024 18:52

So you're keeping the cat then? If so, your husband has clearly stated he expects you to be the sole carer of it, so time for you to register it with a vet, get it checked out and scheduled in for vaccinations, flea meds, chip, getting it 'done', organise insurance. Also look up cat rescue guides to proper kitten care- one room for a good while, safe quiet place, food and water, LOTS of contact time, affection, play, no leaving it for hours, should be with it almost 24/7, then slowly let it into house, then later after all vaccinations and older, the garden. Then continue its care for 20 years.

OR, because you don't have time to do all this (understandably) take it to a rescue like the 27 pages worth of unanimous advice you've recieved on here already. Why you haven't done this and aren't addressing this point but keep sending copies of husbands messages is strange. Dealing with it now means you don't have the long term burden later on top of everything else.

Grammarnut · 10/09/2024 18:46

EsmeSusanOgg · 09/09/2024 16:35

It is clear the 16 year old is stressed by lots of other things, and when asked about a car as a pet said no thanks. The teen is now stressed that his dad asked for people's opinions and did it anyway - with no notice.

Oh, for heaven's sake. Adults don't let their DC run their lives. The decision to have a pet or not is the parents'. The problem is that OP's DH didn't consult her.

Grammarnut · 10/09/2024 18:43

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 16:54

Thank you @FearOfTheDucks this is exactly right. He is very likely autistic, never investigated or diagnosed, but shows all the signs like needing his safe things to feel settled, and this is an unsettling thing for him. He has overcome lots of small fears and got out of his comfort zone with things like going to his prom when he was adamant he wasn't going to go until the last minute. He travels to another city on the bus for college, he speaks very well and politely to people such as teachers although he is very shy, but this is just something he has made clear he doesn't want. And for his dad to go against it, and foist a pet on him whether it's an 'easy' pet or otherwise just shows him he hasn't been heard. Also, the conservatory is his haven where he goes to just to chill out or do his weights, and right now it's home to a stinking litter tray, which as anyone familiar with ND knows is not great. Our house is small and quite open plan and it's a change that he didn't want, when all when wants is to relax in his home. Again, I could be being over the top, pandering to his needs, you could say all of that, but my priority is to have a happy kid.

But your children do not dictate how you run your house, surely?

Mabs49 · 10/09/2024 18:31

OP my DH is ND.

The best way to cut through their implacable brains is to write a message I’ve found.

If I write it out and explain it seems to cut through much better than having a conversation.

It’s also important that it’s done while he is physically not there.

Then the message seems to get through even better.

The other very powerful lever I’ve used in the past is to leave temporarily.

As you say, this tips the applecart upside down completely and suddenly the message is very very loud and clear,

the problem with this approach is that

  1. it’s a huge upheaval and emotional cost to me and the kids to physically leave
  2. once I am back he behaves better for a few weeks, then it starts again

just to say sympathy with where you’re at. I’m completely stuck. I get it.

Deepf60 · 10/09/2024 17:59

MelainesLaugh · 09/09/2024 07:07

I think it’s a massive overreaction from your children, it’s a kitten. It’s not like he brought home a massive vicious dog.

I bet within a week everyone will be cuddling the kitten

Wow! Cats can be nasty too! I can't stand them near me with their sharp claws and evil looks. I wouldn't have one in my house