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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 09/09/2024 08:06

That poor little thing. None of this is the kitten’s fault & nobody with any sense would bring a pet into a house where all the adults, at least, hadn’t agreed.

If you go to https://catchat.org you can get a list of rescues in your area. Tell them the kitten was abandoned, which is about right. Hopefully one of them will have space. Then consider divorce.

Opening

https://catchat.org

MayaPinion · 09/09/2024 08:06

Stressfordays · 09/09/2024 07:47

Pets are very very good for mental health. Could you encourage your ds to bond with the tiny creature? Stroking animals is proven to lower the stress hormone, playing with a small kitten will release endorphins. Caring for them can give people a purpose. I'm not saying you have to do this, but it may actually help?

Nobody wants the bloody cat. That’s the whole point of the OP’s post.

Lovelysummerdays · 09/09/2024 08:05

I personally couldn’t leave a kitten in the conservatory as mines gets ridiculous hot in the sunshine. Your DH is an arse, pets should be a household decision. That said I wouldn’t take the day off for a kitten. My boss would be v unhappy.

thinkfast · 09/09/2024 08:03

Just ignore the cat. It's DH's cat. DH's responsibility.

hattie43 · 09/09/2024 08:02

Your children are weird . It's a kitten not the antichrist . Having said that getting a pet should be a shared decision .

Timeforaglassofwine · 09/09/2024 08:02

This post had made me so angry. That poor kitten, terrified, desperate for attention, shut in a cold conservatory overnight and given milk (goat milk or lactose free would be okay). This is just cruel. Please get the poor thing back to its breeder as soon as possible. Pets are usually a huge source of comfort and joy in a family - I couldn't live with a none animal lover - so I don't really understand the family's reaction unless there is an allergy or understandable concern about the road.

BoobyDazzler · 09/09/2024 08:01

I can’t imagine anyone responding as you and your children have to having a young, defenceless, animal in their home; it’s a completely abnormal reaction and if it were my children they’d be getting told to suck it up and I’d be working on their resilience and their compassion.

While your DH shouldn’t have made the unilateral decision to get a pet I can see why he would. It sounds as if your wants have over ridden his and you’ve indoctrinated your children to feel the same way you do.

Cats are easy pets.

Prescottdanni123 · 09/09/2024 08:01

Pets only work if everyone is onboard. He should never have brought a cat into the house without your agreement. It is unfair on you and your kids.

Has he ever had a cat before? Did he do anything to look after it last night or just watch the telly? Where has he got her from? It might have been a kitten farm, in which case, she might not even be old enough to be away from her mother. Has she had any vaccinations yet? Seen a vet for a checkup? Has he thought about the costs of having a pet?

Kittens, like any animal need attention. I know she has a litter tray but does she have toys? Appropriate food? A water bowl? Is she getting lots of attention and fuss from him? Pets are living creatures with needs, not accesories.

I'd tell him to take her back. If he won't then he is unlikely to tell you where he got her from. In which case, as he brought her into the house without discussing it with you, I would be taking her to a rescue centre without discussing it with him. I am saying this as an animal lover.

GuestFeatu · 09/09/2024 08:01

Wwyd2025 · 09/09/2024 07:36

@GuestFeatu regardless of that, that child's overreaction is really worrying. What kind of 16 year old cries at a kitten and refuses to come home?
One that's spoilt and has their parents wrapped around their finger... that's going to cause so many problems when they're an adult.

I'm guessing from OP's referral to other threads that there is more to it with the 16yo

UnnecessaryOwl · 09/09/2024 07:59

Your husband is wrong to do this without a conversation and agreement with you but the rest of the post is hyperbolic nonsense.

hepsitemiz · 09/09/2024 07:59

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 09/09/2024 07:41

Take the cat back. Consider rehoming the husband also. Think about whether some therapy sessions might help your son.
Ignore all the frothing animal lovers on here - they're missing the point entirely. It's not about the cat, it's about your husbands belief that he can unilaterally decide to make more work for you, and his lack of consideration for anyone else's feelings.

I agree with a lot of this, with the exception of « it’s not about the cat ». Yes, your DH has shown contempt for the family’s wishes but it cannot be stressed too much how shitty this is for the cat.

He’s frightened and cold - and likely too young to leave his mum. He had no say in any of this. How terribly selfish and cruel.

EweCee · 09/09/2024 07:58

What I don't understand is why you didn't immediately have a conversation with DH saying 'this can't happen'; or then when he ignored the cat for the evening and or now, why you havent called him to say 'get your arse home from work, you can't leave the cat alone all day, it's neglect'!

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 09/09/2024 07:58

Your household dynamic sounds bizarre.
You need to return the kitten as you clearly are a completely unsuitable home for it, and your DH has been a knob bringing it home and then not looking after it
But FFS find the kitten, look after its needs properly and be kind to it before you return it.

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 09/09/2024 07:57

OP I'm also sorry that you have so much stress going on and that your husband has added to it.

Foxblue · 09/09/2024 07:57

I think you need to let us know a bit more about the backstory with your husband, as until you do noone is going to understand why you haven't just talked to him about it.

gardenmusic · 09/09/2024 07:56

He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation.

Of course having a pet should be discussed between the two of you, and allergies/phobias within the family would be a 'no', but reading the above, you have far bigger problems than a cat you did not want!
Crying because 'His Dad had gone against his wishes' Really?
We are not talking about a pit bull here, it's a tiny kitten. You don't want it, fair enough, re-home the poor little thing, it deserves better.

GoogleWhacking · 09/09/2024 07:56

@EasySkankin what a ridiculous comment. Plenty of homes don't have cats and are functional and loving. I don't do animals inside my house. I am highly allergic and would be fuming if my husband did this. Even if I wasn't allergic I wouldn't want a pet as my lifestyle doesn't suit having another responsibility in it. I want to be able to go out or away without worrying about anyone but my kids and myself.

OP I'd be furious if DH bought home a bloody cat. That said, I do think it worth exploring the kids reactions as they seem extreme

Meeplebeen · 09/09/2024 07:56

The poor kitten. Your husband is a dick. Your son can't help his reaction especially if he's ND, but everyone's got more than enough going on without a cat being added to the mix.

The kitten needs to go back where it came from, or be taken to a rescue centre.

Andwegoroundagain · 09/09/2024 07:55

Your DH is ridiculous to buy a bloody kitten for a family that don't want a cat.
But also this poor kitten! It needs some play and socialising and some care. If DH doesn't sort himself out this kitten is not going to grow up to be a happy cat. He'd have been better off getting an older cat that is super chill and settled not a kitten.

And DS? He cried because of a kitten. He sounds super stressed and I'd be concerned about that too.

Trickabrick · 09/09/2024 07:54

What have you said to your DH about this as you’re coming over as very passive in your responses - have you made it clear how you all feel since the cat arrived? Have you asked him to explain how he intends to deal with it?

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 07:52

This is what I mean!!! I have no idea about cats, but I also thought that it will need water, not milk. But dh who has had cats in the past has put out milk! I'll replace it with water. Thank you for letting me know. Here I am googling how to look after kittens and I need to go to work. FFS.

OP posts:
Hunglikeapolevaulter · 09/09/2024 07:51

If the kitten drinks that milk, it will hsve a very upset stomach.
Your husband is a cruel thoughtless prick.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 09/09/2024 07:51

Beautiful3 · 09/09/2024 07:49

Your children's overreaction seem very strange to me. As a kitten, it just needs a litter box, water and wet food. As it grows you'll need a cat flap, to provide it access to the house when you're all out. It's just a cat.

It's a kitten it needs more than just food and a litter tray. This is not a house it should be in at all.

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 09/09/2024 07:50

I think that there is more to this. Why was he allowed through the door with the cat and you didn't challenge him. If you don't return the kitten, you are stuck looking after it for possibly the next 15 years while he swans off to work. Does he have form for totally disregarding your wishes?

I would actually like to get a cat, but dp hates them, so we won't. The adult who doesn't want the additional living being in the house should get the choice to say no, surely?

1apenny2apenny · 09/09/2024 07:50

I wouldn't be staying at home and I wouldn't do anything for the cat, this is what your DH is expecting.

I would be calmly tell 'DH' that he either stays at home with it or re-homes it.

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