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AIBU?

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To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
Jazzicatz · 09/09/2024 08:48

You are all being unreasonable and sound like a family of psychopaths. It’s the kitten I feel sorry for.

Unsubtleturtle · 09/09/2024 08:48

How is it that your DH can make snap selfish decisions on a whim but you won't go against him and take the kitten back? What is stopping you? Why is only he calling the shots? He's done a stupid thing, do the sensible thing and take it back now. Pur your foot down for the sake of everyone. There's a lot more going on here in your relationship dynamic than meets the eye. And the house sounds very anxious. Just take it back, don't stew and keep the cat as another rod to beat your idiot DH with, it's not fair on the little kitten. No need to be a martyr about it to prove a point in this clearly silent resentful war you have with DH v rest of household, just get it sorted, problem over. Just because he's had cats, his lack of care shows he has absolutely no idea how to look after them. Cows milk!? Leaving it for hours alone!?Not kept in one safe warm space to gradually acclimatise!? That little life shouldn't suffer for his ignorance and the rest of the families' resentment. Take it back so it has a chance of a loving attentive home. Heartbreaking hearing how scared and alone it must be. Once that's done you may need to reevaluate your relationship, whatever is going on, you're not a team.

diddl · 09/09/2024 08:45

He can't want a cat that badly if he's just pissed off & left it!

Heartless!

MsJinks · 09/09/2024 08:45

Whilst it’s been common thought that cats can just do their own thing with minimal interaction from any owner, more recent understanding shows cats often get very distressed if left alone for long periods. And I think it’s always been obvious you can’t leave a kitten, newly taken from its mum, alone for long.
It also sounds a super stressful home for a cat - cats are not as obvious in their distress as dogs but your kitten will soon be traumatised if not already.
Your husband is not just being a dick to the family by doing this, but he is being actively cruel to a living creature by just dumping it like this - he clearly doesn’t care about actually looking after it or making sure it’s safe and happy. I doubt he cares for cats (or animals) at all. Guess he likes the apparent vision of ‘nice bits’ of cat ownership and possibly just the ‘nice bits’ of kids and family life.
It is an absolute priority you try to return or rehome the cat, and until then find it a safe place to hide itself etc - rspca or similar will have advice online. I do think the kids could help with this just to help them be rational and caring humans if they come across any animal needing help in their lives - many people don’t like cats, some are scared of them and this is all ok - what is not ok is being ok with neglect or cruelty to any living animal.
Your marriage sounds rather bad, but you need to sort this kitten out first - just because that’s the right thing to do really.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 09/09/2024 08:44

I find it odd that the 12 year old seemed hugely concerned about the 16 year olds reaction.

A 12 year old not being happy a kitten is being brought home, because he knows his older sibling will have a huge negative reaction to his wishes not being listened to, is worrying.

However, the dh isn’t looking after the kitten. Even when he is there. The kitten managed to get upstairs, outside ds room and sit there for ages meowing and the dh didn’t notice? And it had only been in the house a couple of hours. Why wasn’t he spending time with the cat he wanted so much.

Which suggests this wasn’t about him wanting a cat at all.

@WinkyTinky is your family dynamic dysfunctional? Is it generally a happy home? If not why hasn’t the marriage ended sooner?

Lovelysummerdays · 09/09/2024 08:44

gardenmusic · 09/09/2024 08:26

Then call Womens aid.
You need support as do your children.
Your husbands behaviour is controlling.
You need to push back hard.

Are you being funny?
You need to leave the phone lines at Womens Aid free for those who need help urgently.

Actually it’s not bad advice. There are different kinds of abuse and controlling behaviour can be insidious in a way that’s hard to quantify. There seems to be an inability to say no or articulate boundaries or have a reasonable discussion. The feeling like you just have to assume responsibility. Its painfully familiar to me. I actually found a chat with WA and then the freedom program really affirming and helpful. They aren’t just there for people who are in physical danger.

Prescottdanni123 · 09/09/2024 08:42

Please don't just ignore it like some people are suggesting - if you ignore it, I highly doubt it will last a week in your husband's 'care'. You clearly don't want it nor do you have time for it so please rehome it. Young kittens get adopted quickly, it will be matched with a loving family who will give it the care and attention to needs.

Mandylovescandy · 09/09/2024 08:41

ChemtrailsandCountryClub · 09/09/2024 08:19

I have had cats for most of my life and love having them. I think kittens are the most adorable little things and deserve all the love and care etc etc - id be fucking furious if someone bought one home with no discussion and left me to deal with it.

People are reacting from their point of view of loving cats or believing they add only positive things to a household - but clearly not for THIS household. It’s absolutely fine for a teen, who has clearly got some MH going on, at the least dealing at such a young age with a friends suicide having an emotional reaction to his father completely ignoring his aversion to having the kitten and this sudden change.

The people saying it is a lot of drama should be ashamed of yourselves, this young man’s friend died by suicide and you’re calling him a drama queen. Maybe extend the same compassion to the lad as you are the kitten eh?

And that’s not even mentioning leaving OP to deal with the care of the kitten with zero discussion against her wishes, creating more work and more responsibility while he could not even be bothered to attend to it on its very first night?

This

Meeplebeen · 09/09/2024 08:40

Bellyblueboy · 09/09/2024 08:19

Does the son have a crippling fear of kittens?

of course anyone can cry - but a sixteen year old crying because there is a kitten in his house and then refusing to come home does sound extreme and I would be concerned about this teens ability to cope with the roughy and tumble of life.

the husband is an arse - but it sounds like this teenage thinks he rules the house and it crying with frustration and shock that his dad did something he didn’t agree with. If this is a pattern then it needs to be addressed pronto - life will be very difficult for this teen if he thinks he rules the roost.

he will end up an arse just like his dad!

... Or... And hear me out ... Maybe he's reacting this way because he very probably has a disability?

What if he suffered with OCD and didn't want trays full of cat shit in his home? Wouldn't that be understandable? And if you can wrap your head around that, then what is so hard to wrap your head around any other reasons?

It's so easy to be disparaging about disabled people, isn't it? Especially those with ASD. But seriously, giving it 20 seconds of critical thought, i can think of plenty of reasons why a neurodivergent individual might react in ways that neurotypicals can't be bothered to try to understand. Doesn't mean he's spoilt, or an arse. Not to mention the boy is going through a period of intense stress and has lost a friend recently.

Why is it that large swathes of Mumsnet cannot find even the tiniest little ounce of understanding for a disabled child? Straight away you assume he's a spoilt brat who is ruling the roost. Even knowing the op thinks he may be ASD, you still pile on with insulting him.

He might be a spoilt brat, OR maybe he's a disabled child who is struggling with grief and stress and he's got a dad who couldn't give a fuck and just brings something into the house that he's uncomfortable with and tells him to suck it up.

SallyWD · 09/09/2024 08:40

Your DH's behaviour is most definitely unacceptable. You'd be perfectly reasonable to return the cat. But I'm a cat lover and keep thinking of this confused kitten. Cats are really easy to look after. The easiest pet, in my opinion. Mine doesn't have a litter tray and goes outside so I wish need to feed him.

Demonhunter · 09/09/2024 08:40

You have exaggerated the disruption x 100, that said, I firmly believe a cat, esp a kitten, should only be in a home where they are welcomed. Your sons extreme reaction to a kitten is quite odd tbh.

Kittens do need attention, not in the same way as a puppy, by that I mean they don't need toilet training or taking on walks, but they do need stimulation, play and attention.
I would absolutely suggest your husband either speaks to the breeder he bought from or the rescue he adopted from and have it rehomed. Getting a pet must be a decision for everyone, not just for one person to spring on everyone.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 09/09/2024 08:39

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I wouldn’t have out but quite so bluntly.

But I agree. This seems to be a household of very unhappy people and very unhealthy dynamics.

Which is probably contributing to the reaction of the teenager. Seems he is used to his opinion being the one that everyone has to listen to. But he also incredibly anxious. But like he might have learned that his anxiety gets him his own way. Rather than the parents helping him tackling it.

Where the unhealthy dynamics started is probably anyone’s guess, but it sounds like this family is reaching boiling point.

Toastyfeetbythefire · 09/09/2024 08:37

DDivaStar · 09/09/2024 07:38

This decision should have been made as a family. But your sons reaction is ott, crying because your dh bought a kitten !

When the kitten was outside your sons room why did you not tell your dh to pay some attention to kitten he wanted so much ? Or did you just leave it crying outside your sons door.

Its the kitten I feel sorry for in this.

This. I feel so sorry for that poor kitten in all of this unhealthy family dynamic.

Strangerthanfictions · 09/09/2024 08:36

Once settled in and grown up a bit cats are very independent and you'd barely know you had one unless you give it attention and are responsible for feeding or doing litter (our outdoor cat doesn't use litter) so I think you and the kids would get there with it, it's not very disruptive but they do need a good bit of care to get them settled and adjusted to their new home when they are tiny, it's ridiculous that he just let it wander and didn't look after it. You can't really just plonk a tiny thing just away from it's mummy in a new house and leave it alone endlessly, that's cruel and the cat will end up a bit unfriendly and not keen on humans. Also it's completely unacceptable that he did this without your agreement and awful that he's not properly looking after the thing. I would message him and say if he doesn't look after it you'll call cats protection League for advice

Chaoseverywhere · 09/09/2024 08:35

Your husband sounds the most sane of all of you. And he’s not sounding totally sane. Poor animal. And poor children who can’t accept a pet.

Bellyblueboy · 09/09/2024 08:35

For those saying a cat is no work - don’t be silly

cats need feed, housed, cared for, wormed, visits to the vet. They need proper care if you go on holiday. They need to be kept warm in the winter. People need to notice if they disappear or if they aren’t well.

i have a cat - love her to bits - but she is work. She wakes me in during the night, she has destroyed a sofa.

I even discounted a lovely house when I was moving beciase it was too close to a busy road.

a cat is a big commitment. This house has four people who will ignore a tiny kitten crying - this is a cruel household. There should be no pets in this house

spicysugar · 09/09/2024 08:33

SwiftiesVSLestat · 09/09/2024 07:25

I think Dh is an idiot to do this.

But I also think the family are being very dramatic. He should have spoken to you and he should be home to look after the kitten. But people being worried about what the teenager will say and feel is weird, the concerns about disrupting his education and so on, is very over the top.

This.

I wonder to what extent you have projected your dislike of pets onto the children. It's very unusual. Most children love animals, apart from large scary dogs.

CharlotteLightandDark · 09/09/2024 08:33

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RenoDakota · 09/09/2024 08:32

Why are you being so passive?
You keep saying things like it will be all down to you when he is at work / goes away. Why the hell would it? All you have to do is take the kitten back to where it came from. Or to a rescue if that is not possible. I would do that without any hesitation.

And I understand about your son being upset. Some people on here don't seem to get the concept of nuance. He is not just crying 'over a cat'.

Flughafenkoenigin · 09/09/2024 08:32

Cactusesflower · 09/09/2024 08:23

Your poor children.
Why are you tolerating this?
Are you terrified of your husband?
If not bring the cat to a shelter.
He is not physically present to care for the animal and you will not be doing it.
Tell them the cat will be neglected and mistreated.

Then call Womens aid.
You need support as do your children.
Your husbands behaviour is controlling.
You need to push back hard.

Return the cat.
Any hint of aggression from your husband, call the police.

Yours sounds like an abusive controlling home to me.
Is it?
What he has done is not normal.

I agree. It is controlling behaviour by the husband. OP seems too scared to confront him or say anything at all.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine, only it was a puppy. It was the beginning of an escalation of his abuse.

RoachFish · 09/09/2024 08:32

I don't think it's weird to not want a cat, I don't particularly want one either as I have a dog, but if a tiny little kitten was to appear in my home there is no way I could have been cold hearted enough to leave it on its own in a cold room all night. It's bordeline abusive in my opinion. You all sound quite cold and uncaring, and yes it was completely wrong to bring a cat to this home, but the cat is there now so either care for it or hand it back to the breeder asap.

TappyGilmore · 09/09/2024 08:31

I didn’t vote because all parties involved are unreasonable. It is strange that your children feel so strongly about not having a pet, especially when they presumably haven’t even been asked to help care for it, and if the adults in the house want one then the kids don’t get to say no.

But obviously your DH is a dick, you don’t just bring a cat home without mentioning it and then ignore it. I got my kitty when she was about 12 weeks old, it was a huge amount of work almost like having a real baby. I had always had cats when I was growing up but never one so young. And I wouldn’t have one that young again!

PTSDBarbiegirl · 09/09/2024 08:30

What a dick.
For the best interests of the animal he needs to return it. If your DS reaction was down to a severe allergy there would be no question. Once he's returned the poor little kitten, throw a suitcase at him and instruct him to fuck off.

Starlight7080 · 09/09/2024 08:29

He should have not just showed up and should be looking after it better as he made the decision.

But the reaction of your children is weird.

Very over dramatic. How will they cope with life if a little kitten causes so much drama.
How is it going to cause problems with education?

It was night 1 so of course the kitten was going to be extra loud and upset.
Just re home it . Your dh obviously hasn't considered it at all

Calamitousness · 09/09/2024 08:29

Your husband is a knob. But you’re over reacting. A cat is zero hassle. Once she’s neutered you can let her out during the day and night if she wants. All you need is the feed them twice a day. Your husband can do that and change litter. Again husband. Love for the cat. Husband. You and your kids can have zero interaction. Why it needs to be so extreme is bizarre though. The cat will be a lovely wee thing if you are kind and loving to it. But you can keep it out your way if you must.