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AIBU?

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To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
BellesAndGraces · 09/09/2024 09:28

Kindly, @WinkyTinky, this isn’t about the kitten, is it? How’re you getting on in making plans to LTB?

DoreenonTill8 · 09/09/2024 09:27

gardenmusic · 09/09/2024 08:26

Then call Womens aid.
You need support as do your children.
Your husbands behaviour is controlling.
You need to push back hard.

Are you being funny?
You need to leave the phone lines at Womens Aid free for those who need help urgently.

Women's Aid because of a kitten?
I think it reads more like op and the son are the controlling ones, look at the reaction to 'his wishes' not being followed and the 12yo stress re the 16yos reaction to this.

Ivehearditbothways · 09/09/2024 09:27

housethatbuiltme · 09/09/2024 09:19

Is there a drip where its your and DS house and he is some random cock lodger that just mooched in?

Because if its his house and its his cat... imagine telling a grown ass man hes never allowed what he wants in his own home. Then weaponizing the kids against him (toxic as fuck).

I certainly know no one has the damn right to tell me what I can and can't do in MY house. If I had planned and wanted a cat for years and DH pulled this shit he would leave before the cat did.

As long as HE looks after the cat then its no one else's business. It WAS discussed and talked about for years not spur of the moment just because you don't like it doesn't mean you automatically get your way. Crying over a kitten being in the house is frankly unhinged especially from a teen who is practically an adult and should be about to fly.

Also you can here a kittens mew from down stairs in an extension... do you live in a house built out of paper or megaphones? I have 2 large exceptionally loud cats who yowel when play hunting (never mind a kittens mew) and absoloutly can't hear them from the bedroom if they are in the living room never mind extension. Surely your DH laughing his head off at Jimmy Carr is FAR louder than a kitten.

The OP has been posting for months about a divorce she keeps saying she is going to get started. She also posts about her husband leaving a dent in the soap bottle (a whole thread about it) and a thread in her wanting to share inappropriate information about their marriage with the oldest son. The son seems to be treated as some sort of counsellor to the OP, and he is being burdened with family stuff which he really shouldn’t be. No wonder he burst into tears over the kitten, poor boy has way too much put onto him. It’s a dysfunctional family with a very selfish husband, a dramatic and inappropriate mum and two kids caught in the middle.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/09/2024 09:27

I bet any money he bought it from some fella down the pub. No breeder would have sold it to him.
This really doesn't need to he complicated- just take it straight down to the nearest rescue centre.

ThorndonCream · 09/09/2024 09:25

The best thing for this poor kitten is that he is rehomed asap. You all sound awful. I appreciate that not everybody is an animal lover but your behaviour to this poor defenceless kitten is just unforgiveable. My sons have always adored our family cats and managed to graduate despite the cat's presence int he house. It didn't prevent my son being admitted to study medicine as a post-graduate.

nosleepforme · 09/09/2024 09:24

TinyYellow · 09/09/2024 07:01

Re home the cat when your selfish arse of a DH goes to work.

I know it sounds mean but this. Your kids aren’t happy and they come before the cat!

OrdsallChord · 09/09/2024 09:22

There is not a chance in hell I'd tolerate this kitten staying. When two adults in a house disagree over whether to get an animal, the one who doesn't want it wins.

oakleaffy · 09/09/2024 09:21

He never cleared up any sick though, just put a sheet of kitchen towel over it!

Ahh...He's clearly waiting for The ''Sick Fairy!'' who magically clears up sick!

jackstini · 09/09/2024 09:21

Your H is bang out of order. I would have been fuming and said no, not happening

Having a pet is a family decision, who decided he could ignore everyone else's feelings and overrule you all? Completely disrespectful and thoughtless

If he wants a pet, do it when the kids have left home and he's retired and can look after it properly

He didn't take care of it even on the first day and now he's buggered off to work!

Poor kitten - you need to take it back or rehome it

housethatbuiltme · 09/09/2024 09:19

Is there a drip where its your and DS house and he is some random cock lodger that just mooched in?

Because if its his house and its his cat... imagine telling a grown ass man hes never allowed what he wants in his own home. Then weaponizing the kids against him (toxic as fuck).

I certainly know no one has the damn right to tell me what I can and can't do in MY house. If I had planned and wanted a cat for years and DH pulled this shit he would leave before the cat did.

As long as HE looks after the cat then its no one else's business. It WAS discussed and talked about for years not spur of the moment just because you don't like it doesn't mean you automatically get your way. Crying over a kitten being in the house is frankly unhinged especially from a teen who is practically an adult and should be about to fly.

Also you can here a kittens mew from down stairs in an extension... do you live in a house built out of paper or megaphones? I have 2 large exceptionally loud cats who yowel when play hunting (never mind a kittens mew) and absoloutly can't hear them from the bedroom if they are in the living room never mind extension. Surely your DH laughing his head off at Jimmy Carr is FAR louder than a kitten.

ItsAShame2 · 09/09/2024 09:19

Debtandmoredebt · 09/09/2024 07:04

Why would a cat disrupt education?

I think regardless of the wrongs and rights about bringing a pet into a house, the whole situation is very dramatic.

This

Motnight · 09/09/2024 09:19

Theseventhmagpie · 09/09/2024 09:13

This. If I was your husband I’d take the cat and leave you all. You sound like a very strange bunch.

And you think that having read Op's posts the husband is going to take any responsibility whatsoever?

What a nasty post, Op has clearly stated that she thinks that there are ND issues at play here, and in response you label her family "a very strange bunch".

oakleaffy · 09/09/2024 09:19

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 07:43

To those commenting on DS's possibly neuro diversity, yes, he very probably is ND. He's also going through a tough time with many things, and I am trying my best to support him and help him find some relief from his feelings. To have this happen, which might seem like nothing to most people, is one more thing to stress him out, knowing that his dad is fully aware of him not wanting a pet and going ahead and getting one anyway. Also, he is as concerned as I am about this kitten and what it needs and why it's mewing so much. I don't even know where the poor thing is! Dh has gone to work and not said a word. I can see he's left food and milk and the litter tray in the conservatory, but as lots of you have said, it's not just the practical things, this poor tiny kitten has only recently left its mum, and the person who is supposed to be responsible for giving it a home has gone out for the entire day. Am I now taking the day off to try and care for this kitten?

Milk is really bad for kittens.

Poor thing will likely get an upset stomach, plus she is alone with no one to interact with her. No wonder she is yelling.

I bloody despise animal breeders who sell to anyone without a through vetting of the family first.

She needs a loving home - Re-home her immediately via RSPCA or similar charity - Kittens get homes far more easily than adult cats, so act fast to get her the best chance of a good home.

There are really good cat lovers who take on older cats, but kittens are the easiest to re-home.

ActualChips · 09/09/2024 09:18

What is stopping you from getting the divorce started OP? This marriage is long dead and you despise each other, this will be impacting your kids. Forget the man's pet, focus on making a happy life for you and your kids.

Deathraystare · 09/09/2024 09:14

This really should have been a family decision. The only one who wanted a kitten is the one that is guaranteed to be 'too busy' to look after it. He will never feed/clean its toilet or sick/hair balls or take it to the vet. He is very selfish. I really love cats but cannot have one where I live so this makes me very cross.

Fair enough you did not want one and neither did your kids whether you influenced them or not. It is you that will be expected to notice an empty food and water bowl, take it to the vets, clean up its mess and the fact that he has been so undrhand about this, no wonder you are pissed off but please don't take it out on a poor little creature. You should have words with your husband, ask how much time he will spend on the kitten realistically and why he went over your heads.

To be honest my mum sort of did this. I don'r remember her telling us beforehand, we just found ourselves in a petshop! Luckily we were typical kids and were happy to choose one. Dad on the other hand..... he was not consulted and had always let it be known that he did not want pets in the house. Of course, after 2 weeks of not speaking to my mum he was then daft over the cat and the others we got too! He never cleared up any sick though, just put a sheet of kitchen towel over it!

Theseventhmagpie · 09/09/2024 09:13

EasySkankin · 09/09/2024 07:22

I think your husband was unreasonable for marrying you in the first place. I would never agree ‘to death do us part’ with someone who didn’t love pets. It seems awful - the idea of a home without a cat. Maybe he is annoyed that you’ve passed your irrational dislike of cats onto your children and is hoping that your child has his frosty heart warmed up by the kitten?

I don’t thInk you are a compatible couple though, and he is being the unreasonable one.

This. If I was your husband I’d take the cat and leave you all. You sound like a very strange bunch.

LBFseBrom · 09/09/2024 09:12

Serencwtch · 09/09/2024 07:00

You are not being unreasonable to be upset with DH as that was unacceptable of him to do that, however I think you are massively over reacting over the impact this kitten is having. A cat is not going to disrupt a child's education. Also pets can be really helpful to children with mental health struggles.
I think there a lot going on in your family and it's being projected onto this kitten. You need to sit down & work this out. If it's something that's very important to DH then consider making it work as a family. Personally I can't imagine living in a household where there were no pets & caring for a living thing is important for DC.

You seem to be the one giving the message to DC that the cat is something awful. I just hope DH looks after this cat & the poor thing isn't neglected.

I agree with what you say, Serenwtch, and have rarely, if ever, come across children who do not grow to like a pet. I think it is mainly the op who doesn't want one and the husband obviously does, he may feel lonely.

However, the most important being in this scenario is the kitten who needs to be loved and cared for, poor little thing.

If it cannot stay in the op's house ,a good home must be found for it.

ElderMrs · 09/09/2024 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This. I'm outraged for the poor scared little kitten.

But wtf why are your children crying and devastated?

Wwyd2025 · 09/09/2024 09:11

Surely you'd look for the cat? This whole post is bizarre, do you also lack any empathy at all?

VimtoVimto · 09/09/2024 09:10

I don’t agree with how your husband went about getting the kitten or then ignoring it but I wonder if he thought your sons had built the idea of a cat into something that was more scary than the reality and thought once faced with a kitten they would be ok.

It does seem strange that both sons ignored the kitten just because of the cuteness factor.

Choochoo21 · 09/09/2024 09:10

No one adult gets to trump the other when it comes to pets.

Pets are like babies and you’re either both on board or you don’t have one.

I would be very annoyed that he had gone and got a kitten behind my back.

I love cats but I don’t want one right now and would be really annoyed if someone tried to give me one.

Your DS is a different story though, he can have an opinion but he doesn’t get the final say.

I can’t help thinking you are responsible for your DS’s overreaction and/or you’re using him as an excuse.

This issue is between you and your DH and it’s for you both to discuss and sort out between you, not to get the kids involved and take sides.

You say your DS is possibly ND but I am wondering if you and DH maybe are too.

doodleschnoodle · 09/09/2024 09:10

I have to say, I think there's something really weird about not just one but several people who, even if they aren't animal lovers, apparently have very little empathy or compassion for a tiny baby animal away from its mum for the first time and who just leave it crying on its own downstairs for the first night and whose only care seems to be about themselves.

It's very odd to me, I certainly don't want a cat but if there was a kitten in the house then regardless of who brought it it would be properly cared for until a decision was made about where it was going, and I can't imagine myself, my kids or my husband neglecting it essentially.

diddl · 09/09/2024 09:10

Plus it sounds like your DH has no clue at all how to look after a kitten and/or is expecting you to, which is completely unfair.

Well that's the gist of it I would say.

I don't think all kids need to be in agreement but there certainly need to be enough responsible people to look after any pet.

Seeingadistance · 09/09/2024 09:10

namechange1986 · 09/09/2024 07:29

He shouldn't have just brought it home unexpectedly. However, your reactions seem absolutely insane to me.

This.

What bizarre reactions to a kitten!

SulkySeagull · 09/09/2024 09:10

You and your son are cold and heartless and your husband is an idiot.