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AIBU?

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To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
Reugny · 09/09/2024 13:09

ginasevern · 09/09/2024 13:09

OP, please rehome the kitten. You sound like a very caring person. You are concerned about the cat and it's welfare even though you really don't want it. The best and kindest thing you can do for the poor creature is responsibly rehome it. Please don't advertise it on FB or similar (it could end up in vry unpleasant hands), take it to a recognised shelter. I know you've got more than enough on your plate and you are frazzled - but please do this one thing for the kitten. After that, you must make it clear to your DH that any future repeats will be a dealbreaker - and mean it.

The OP will probably struggle to get a shelter place for the cat so it will be with them a few weeks yet.

ginasevern · 09/09/2024 13:09

OP, please rehome the kitten. You sound like a very caring person. You are concerned about the cat and it's welfare even though you really don't want it. The best and kindest thing you can do for the poor creature is responsibly rehome it. Please don't advertise it on FB or similar (it could end up in vry unpleasant hands), take it to a recognised shelter. I know you've got more than enough on your plate and you are frazzled - but please do this one thing for the kitten. After that, you must make it clear to your DH that any future repeats will be a dealbreaker - and mean it.

ilovesooty · 09/09/2024 13:08

Davros · 09/09/2024 12:57

Your DH seems to have got his cat knowledge from Tom and Jerry. He knows nothing about how to look after this creature and clearly has no intention of doing it. I wonder if he paid for the kitten? Get the poor thing in Nextdoor as free to a good home

Next Door doesn't permit the rehoming of animals. They can end up as dog bait.

Peachy2005 · 09/09/2024 13:06

@WinkyTinky PLEASE don’t let him keep the kitten in your conservatory. As you’ve mentioned, it gets very cold at night but crucially very hot any time the sun is out. If the kitten accidentally got shut in there, I don’t think it would survive long. I’ve always had to be so careful that none of our cats got shut in our conservatory and there have been many times that the ‘one more check behind and under everything” found a cat in there before I left the house!

Also I think you should rehome the kitten while it’s still cute and little and before it becomes damaged by the experience at yours (no offence intended). Adult cats are less work than a dog but still entail a certain amount of work, which somehow always falls on mum - kittens are a LOT of work, they are unintentionally very destructive! A single kitten needs a hell of a lot of attention which it clearly won’t be getting.

Obviously agree with those saying they are very expensive to keep: chipping, neutering, flea and worming, vet bills, good quality food, good quality litter…and please don’t give milk, unless young enough to need kitten milk.

good luck 🍀

Ansjovis · 09/09/2024 13:06

What a sad situation. You are not being unreasonable, and I say that as someone who could not possibly love cats any more if she tried. I'm also autistic and absolutely cannot stand dogs so I am just imagining myself in your son's position only with a dog instead of a cat and I think I'd have had the mother of all meltdowns. There are some completely crazy responses on this thread, as others have pointed out.

I think you need to do your best to take care of the kitten until he can be taken somewhere safe (since the kitten is a living animal and did not ask to be put in this situation) but I do think that this should be the plan. It doesn't sound like it's going to be easy to convince your son of the former and your husband of the latter part though.

queenofguineapigs · 09/09/2024 13:04

I should say that if one of my parents had brought home a dog and said it was going to live with us in future I would have screamed and cried (and moved out if I was old enough). If my DH came home with a dog he could either rehome it the same hour, or I'd be filing for divorce.

I like (most) cats, but realise some people feel the same way about them as I do about dogs, so I don't think the OP's kids are remotely unreasonable not wanting to share their home with one.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 09/09/2024 13:03

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 09/09/2024 11:28

I wasn't responding to you so don't know why you've got your knickers in a twist?

The implication from my post was that "You don't get to impose your wants above the rest of your family without considering the impacts on them". I thought that was obvious but clearly not.

Knickers in a twist?

Honestly, the only one who is wound up is you. There was no implication at all.

Someone said that children don’t get to decide. You said ‘they fucking do’ and some other stuff about parents ‘don’t get to impose their wants’. Parents impose their wants on children all the time.

This is an open forum. I can reply to whoever I want.

queenofguineapigs · 09/09/2024 13:02

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2024 12:40

There are some really stupid comments on this thread

There really are. No, not all children want pets. Some realise they are a lot of work and can't be bothered (fair enough).

And others realise that it's not ok for humans to exploit animals for their emotional needs.

CountingCrones · 09/09/2024 12:58

Your husband is a grade A eejit who knows nothing about cats. Feral cats or farm cats, maybe, but not pet cats.

Take Max to a cat rescue, he needs things your family isn’t in a position to give him.

If there was a DH recycling centre, I’d drop him off while you were at it.

Davros · 09/09/2024 12:57

Your DH seems to have got his cat knowledge from Tom and Jerry. He knows nothing about how to look after this creature and clearly has no intention of doing it. I wonder if he paid for the kitten? Get the poor thing in Nextdoor as free to a good home

missdeamenor · 09/09/2024 12:57

EasySkankin · 09/09/2024 12:53

I suspect you are right. Something about it doesn’t add up.

I hope so too. How sick though, to make something up like this.

BCSurvivor · 09/09/2024 12:56

This is so unfair on the kitten.
Take the kitten to an animal charity for rehoming to a family that will care for and love her.
This is not the right environment for a kitten.
OP, I appreciate that it was your husband and not you that brought the kitten home, but it's now down to you to do the right thing.
If you keep the kitten, who is unwanted by all of your family except your husband, there's a high chance that this kitten will escape and not survive.
Do the right thing.

missdeamenor · 09/09/2024 12:55

Poor little darling. Ripped away from mother and now with people that don't know how to look after him and don't seem to care.

EasySkankin · 09/09/2024 12:53

Oxforddictionary12 · 09/09/2024 12:52

I suspect this is an fictitious thread. Probably because I cannot understand the family's highly negative attitude to cats. But for arguments sake, no one should get a pet without the support of the rest of the family. Any adoption process via a rescue shelter would ensure that all family members had met the animal first too.

I suspect you are right. Something about it doesn’t add up.

Oxforddictionary12 · 09/09/2024 12:52

I suspect this is an fictitious thread. Probably because I cannot understand the family's highly negative attitude to cats. But for arguments sake, no one should get a pet without the support of the rest of the family. Any adoption process via a rescue shelter would ensure that all family members had met the animal first too.

Sunnycolours · 09/09/2024 12:51

If he can waltz in with a cat you can take it back or rehome it. What a dick.

Ace56 · 09/09/2024 12:49

Just take the kitten back, if you know where he got it from. If not, take it to a shelter - kittens get snapped up very quickly!

If your DH seemingly has the right to go out and get one without anyone’s knowledge, then you have the right to return it without his knowledge.

Gymnopedie · 09/09/2024 12:49

He just needs love/kindness and someone to look after him.

Yes DH. And as YOU decided to bring him home without any discussion that someone needs to be YOU. Not sitting on your phone with headphones in. Not going away for days at a time. Don't expect us to do it.

Appleblum · 09/09/2024 12:49

What! Some of the posts on here are mental! It's perfectly reasonable for someone to not want a pet!

Your DH is so selfish and irresponsible. I bet he knew you would end up caring for the kitten because you couldn't bear to let it suffer (who could?)

SamPoodle123 · 09/09/2024 12:48

Geez, what a strange reaction from your older son? It is a pet and its not like he is asked to take care of it. I can understand if you are upset, as your dh went against your wishes and you are the other adult in the house, but think your ds is being a bit dramatic. It is not like your husband is making him share the room with the cat.

That being said, having pets is a wonderful joy and of course the first week or so it takes some adjustments. You might find you come to like having a pet. My mother was dead set against getting a dog. It took me years of begging. Until my father finally agreed if I achieved top marks we could get a dog (something that never happened in the past!). Well, I guess I wanted that dog very much, because I achieved top marks and my parents let me get a dog. My mother wanted the dog kept in a large cage in the garage when it first arrived. Next day she said the dog could have its cage in the kitchen instead. By the night time, she suggested we bring the cage up to her room to sleep there and once the dog was potty trained, she slept with my mom every night in the bed and my mom loved the dog so much. And gone went the cage.

We also had two cats and they were lovely, but slept mostly with me.

LisaD1 · 09/09/2024 12:46

Your DH is a selfish prick. What kind of moron does this?

the poor kitten too.

and he’s wrong about just letting it in the garden, it will likely bolt and have no idea where home is.

I’m an animal lover, we have loads of them, I often bring home outdoor animals unannounce but nobody cares as it’s me who look after them but a family pet that nobody else wants is bang out of order. I’d be putting the kitten back in its carrier next to the husbands packed bags!

EasySkankin · 09/09/2024 12:46

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 09/09/2024 11:24

Not everyone loves cats. They are lovely animals but it doesn't make people irrational if they don't like them. Some people don't like dogs - does that make them irrational?😳

I know not everyone loves cats. I think it is a mistake for a cat/animal lovers to marry those who don’t love them. It’s a deal-breaker for me.

I think OP and their DC have an extreme and irrational dislike. Most people who aren’t allergic are more mellow in their indifference/dislike of pets - and take the “Well if you want it so much, you have to look after it” approach to family members who want them.

DisabledDemon · 09/09/2024 12:46

Frankly, it's the kitten that I feel sorry for.

FranticFrankie · 09/09/2024 12:46

And I hope there’s some help available for your son, OP. Good luck

Lovefromjuliaxo · 09/09/2024 12:44

EasySkankin · 09/09/2024 07:22

I think your husband was unreasonable for marrying you in the first place. I would never agree ‘to death do us part’ with someone who didn’t love pets. It seems awful - the idea of a home without a cat. Maybe he is annoyed that you’ve passed your irrational dislike of cats onto your children and is hoping that your child has his frosty heart warmed up by the kitten?

I don’t thInk you are a compatible couple though, and he is being the unreasonable one.

You’re mental, some people don’t like pets for all sorts of reasons, and I say that as an animal lover with two dogs.