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AIBU?

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To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 09/09/2024 13:44

Well he cat is here now and only dh can return it, and presumably won't. I'd be reassuring your ds that it's unlike to impact him. Cats generally look out for themselves and don't bother people who don't bother them. Especially if it's to be a cat that goes outdoors. His reaction is pretty extreme and doesn't need encouraged! Your dh is of course unreasonable

ilovesooty · 09/09/2024 13:44

"Since you cannot look after the cat, I will be rehoming it"

LookItsMeAgain · 09/09/2024 13:41

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 12:01

This is the reply to my message to dh telling him I could not see the cat, was worried about the cold conservatory and missing the comfort of its mum, and that I had changed the milk for water -

Max is 13 weeks old.
He is under the sofa in the conservatory.
He is fine.
Cats go out at night (so not cold).
He just needs time to get used to his new surroundings.
Once he knows his environment he will sleep in the lounge.
You can let him into the garden when you get home (for a short period)..
He will like that.
He just needs love/kindness and someone to look after him.

I definitely won't be letting him out in the garden where there are plenty of gaps in the fence onto the outside path where all the dogs are.

My answer to that message was "I think you have some misunderstanding here. This is not my cat, this is your cat so all care for the cat falls to you. I will not be looking after the animal when you are not around. It is not my responsibility, it is yours. If you cannot look after your cat, you must rehome it."

VillageLife82 · 09/09/2024 13:33

Getting a pet should definitely be a family decision, but maybe your DH has wanted one for a while and has had to live without one all these years, so it's his turn?

What's not to love about a kitten? Plus, cats are so independent. Once he's going out, he'll likely nip in for food and a snooze and then be out again.

Remember also that regardless of how he came to be there, he's a sentient being who needs love and care and is not something to be ignored, discarded and treated as a problem.

I feel most sorry for the cat, not the owners.

Caramellie3 · 09/09/2024 13:31

I’d be fuming with dh particularly as your kids are not animal lovers. But at the same time I’d probably learn to love it. Maybe not dh though he needs to learn to communicate/listen!

chocorabbit · 09/09/2024 13:30

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 13:15

Not sure why some are questioning whether or not this is real?! I assure you, this is just one of a long list of things you probably wouldn't believe, so maybe I understand the question!

Having read back the reply from DH, I think he's describing himself perfectly...

Edited

You are just taking orders from him. As @Nanny0gg is saying what are YOU going to do? Give him an ultimatum, not "but this and the kitten that" a clear NO, I won't be doing this, I won't be cat sitting while you are away. Or rehome the kitten.

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 13:30

@OhMyGiddyAuntFanny I do like cats, and so do the kids, we just don't want one living in our house. A cat from over the road used to come in our house, mooch about, wind itself around our legs, have a scratch on the stair carpet and then go home. They loved that and still talk about him years after the family moved away. They just don't want to live with one forever, that's it, and that's ok.

OP posts:
thestudio · 09/09/2024 13:27

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 13:15

Not sure why some are questioning whether or not this is real?! I assure you, this is just one of a long list of things you probably wouldn't believe, so maybe I understand the question!

Having read back the reply from DH, I think he's describing himself perfectly...

Edited

Then OP, seriously - why are you with him? He's damaging you and your kids.

DockLeafDandelion · 09/09/2024 13:26

I can see how insane we all seem

Reeeally

OhMyGiddyAuntFanny · 09/09/2024 13:25

Clearly you don’t like cats and you have imposed this dislike on your children. It’s an adorable kitten that just needs to be loved and you and your children aren’t the type to give it that love. In fact their reaction is quite bizarre! It’s a poor defenceless kitten that will do no harm to anyone. You need to re-home the kitten as soon as possible. As for your DH - it was wrong of him to just bring the kitten home without discussing/agreeing with the family first. Poor kitten.

ilovesooty · 09/09/2024 13:25

So you've read your husband's reply. What is your planned course of action?

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2024 13:23

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 13:15

Not sure why some are questioning whether or not this is real?! I assure you, this is just one of a long list of things you probably wouldn't believe, so maybe I understand the question!

Having read back the reply from DH, I think he's describing himself perfectly...

Edited

But what are YOU going to do?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 09/09/2024 13:23

Everything else aside even if there were no other issues he's being a completely irresponsible pet owner. You can't just dump a kitten in the house and leave for work the next day leaving it alone. He's not capable of looking after a cat properly if he thinks this is an okay way to treat a new kitten. It's little and scared and in a new place with none of its litter mates or mum and he just leaves it there and goes to work. It says a lot about him that he thinks it's ok to do this. The kitten needs to be rehomed for its own sake to someone who will actually care for it.

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2024 13:23

Oxforddictionary12 · 09/09/2024 12:52

I suspect this is an fictitious thread. Probably because I cannot understand the family's highly negative attitude to cats. But for arguments sake, no one should get a pet without the support of the rest of the family. Any adoption process via a rescue shelter would ensure that all family members had met the animal first too.

My father and my older sister absolutely loathed cats

Many people do as they are such efficient bird killers

Guess who my two always headed for...

BlackShuck3 · 09/09/2024 13:21

We want to hear in great detail how he responds when he knows he's solely responsible for the death of this poor innocent creature.

Unsubtleturtle · 09/09/2024 13:19

Right then, theres your solution- Do as he says (not really). 'Let it out' in the garden to slip through the fense / run away /be eaten by a hunting bird. But really take it to the shelter for its own sake asap. You were just following the 'cat expert's' advice of course. He can't be angry at you for following his advice. Do anything to get that poor kitten into a shelter to be rehomed. He can blunder about looking for the lost kitten and then get bored with the idea as he clearly already is. Hopefully won't bring another animal home again. Then get on with divorce, everyone in this situation sounds so unhappy.

Reugny · 09/09/2024 13:18

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 13:15

Not sure why some are questioning whether or not this is real?! I assure you, this is just one of a long list of things you probably wouldn't believe, so maybe I understand the question!

Having read back the reply from DH, I think he's describing himself perfectly...

Edited

Start probing people if they know anyone who wants a kitten as I know cats and dogs that have been rehomed in less than a week that way.

Your DH clearly has no time for it and the rest of you don't want it.

longdistanceclaraclara · 09/09/2024 13:17

I know nothing about cats. Is it vaccinated / chipped / insured / when do they get neutered?

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and your husband is quite the arse for springing this on you.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 09/09/2024 13:16

He hasn't even thought of the immunisation it would need before going outside.
You poor thing op, wrestling this situation with a total lose cannon and everything else on your plate.
Much sympathy.

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 13:15

Not sure why some are questioning whether or not this is real?! I assure you, this is just one of a long list of things you probably wouldn't believe, so maybe I understand the question!

Having read back the reply from DH, I think he's describing himself perfectly...

OP posts:
BlackShuck3 · 09/09/2024 13:14

hoarahloux · 09/09/2024 12:03

"Oh no DH, I let Max into the garden like you suggested and he immediately went through a hole in the fence. I can't find him anywhere."

Put the poor thing in its carrier and take it to a rescue.

Never speak of it again.

Poor cat. This isn't fair on it or on you and your children. DH is an arse.

This.
And when you've done that wrestle the husband into a sack take him to the river and drown him (only joking😇💗)

Goldbar · 09/09/2024 13:13

Some crazy responses here. I love cats. Always have. There are various reasons why I don't want to share my home with one right now. And I certainly don't want the effort and inconvenience of looking after a tiny kitten right now. Maybe in a few years but not right now. If my DH brought one home without discussing it and dumped it on me and went to work, I'd be speechless at his stupidity.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 09/09/2024 13:12

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 12:01

This is the reply to my message to dh telling him I could not see the cat, was worried about the cold conservatory and missing the comfort of its mum, and that I had changed the milk for water -

Max is 13 weeks old.
He is under the sofa in the conservatory.
He is fine.
Cats go out at night (so not cold).
He just needs time to get used to his new surroundings.
Once he knows his environment he will sleep in the lounge.
You can let him into the garden when you get home (for a short period)..
He will like that.
He just needs love/kindness and someone to look after him.

I definitely won't be letting him out in the garden where there are plenty of gaps in the fence onto the outside path where all the dogs are.

Your husband is a muppet but it sounds like you already know that.

Tell the muppet that you let the cat out and it hasn’t come back. But take it to a safe rescue centre instead so that it can be rehomed.

Reugny · 09/09/2024 13:12

ilovesooty · 09/09/2024 13:08

Next Door doesn't permit the rehoming of animals. They can end up as dog bait.

One of our cats is rehomed to us via nextdoor.

Though the person we got the cat from was a loose acquaintance.

So it can be done but you have to be careful. (Cat not kitten.)

I actually know lots of people who have acquired pets that they have rehomed though loose acquaintances.

hepsitemiz · 09/09/2024 13:12

hoarahloux · 09/09/2024 12:03

"Oh no DH, I let Max into the garden like you suggested and he immediately went through a hole in the fence. I can't find him anywhere."

Put the poor thing in its carrier and take it to a rescue.

Never speak of it again.

Poor cat. This isn't fair on it or on you and your children. DH is an arse.

Genius! Do this, OP… do this!