Exhausted by phone battle with DD12

I started self harming around that age. It was the early eighties so no Internet. In my case, it was premenstrual dysphoric disorder, although at the time no one had thought of that either. Is it linked to her menstrual cycle?

A simple search on Google and you tube brought up loads of information on how to block stuff or limit usage on your child's iPhone. That's what you need to do.

OP As well as keeping pushing school (email, so you’ve got a written record) you should also find be aware that kids YouTube isn’t safe or filtered - it’s whatever content creators tag as being for kids. Some of it is very much not OK, but presented in a child friendly way.

Equally, not having TikTok (or any other video sharing app) doesn’t mean she’s unable to access the videos via links eg sent by WhatsApp. Qustudio will block it, but just the iPhone controls won’t.

Qustudio is a pain to set up, but it will web filter (which it sounds like you need, given the self harm), the iPhone controls aren’t able to do that.

I’d suggest setting aside an evening to work out what you’re going to do to protect her online, then discuss it with her and give some room for negotiation eg on time limits, and only then impose controls on her phone. If she’s not up for that, then it will have to be a brick phone.

Apple has screen time - but she has to have her own Apple ID & with the correct age.

I set limits & certain apps set for 1 hour a day , & phone switches off at 10 etc. She can still phone/text me in an emergency.

I was quite lucky as with my second child friendship group the parents all quite similar, some them had the Nokia type phones and SM at appropriate age - other than what’s app. Trickier with the older one as they all had Snapchat etc but I said nope - she is now 21 and shares very little - so having structure in place has worked!

You seem very focused on her body changing, going through puberty etc. This is normal for her age. Why do you seem to think it is not?

Are you somehow relaying this to her?

These things are not in the parenting manual advised as babies.

I don't think her starting her period at 11 has anything to do with this OP, that is the average age and my dd started even sooner.

But, at the end of the day you are the parent and it is your job to be teaching her. She is still a child and will have many lessons ahead of her that she may not like. You cannot be walking on eggshells just because she doesn't like things. Life is hard at times and now you need to show her that she cannot just always get things her way. Like I said, parenting is not always a walk in the park.

It is your job to raise her to be a fully functioning, coping adult when that time comes.

Pp have given plenty of advice for apps and other ideas to help you. What we can't help you with, is actioning these. She will push you well into her teens if you let her. Addictions can turn serious. Please nip this in the bud now OP.

Take a look at Qustodio - parental control app that allow you to limit screen time, block websites and monitor usage. If she watches you tube take a really close look at what’s she’s actually watching. Lots of content that looks ok but on closer examination is disturbing. Also read all messages sent / received on the phone. Good luck. It’s not easy.

Yes, that's often a problem with dance, and PE.
The art therapy sounds great. Would she go to a gallery with you?

I’m not abusing you at all. But everyone is going to say the same thing obviously (limit her use) and the only reason you didn’t do that in the first place is because you didn’t understand how. So the solution seems obvious - find out how!

No, she will have been influenced by the internet in her phone. I self harmed when younger because of internet influence (at the time it was personal blogs, but now she will be hyped by Tiktok, WhatsApp groups, etc).

OP - get rid of the smartphone and get a dumb phone. She is too young for the iPhone.

And look up the grassroots organisation Smartphone Free Childhood.

Does she have friends from primary school?

I hope that counselling helps. Girls have it tough with early periods. It's a shame she doesn't have hobbies though. I wonder if there's something she can engage with as the counselling progresses? Sport, craft, anything?

This sounds terrible. Sympathies OP. I hope you find the advice useful.

Phones are stealing childhoods. I think giving the phone an “accident” is not a bad idea. Or just take it for one week.

You have more control over your daughter’s phone use today than you will ever have - as every day she gets older you’ll have decreased control and influence. So do it today.

Rip the band aid off. See how she feels after 7 days without it. Better, lighter??

Maybe watch this with her (two teens do the same experiment - a week without their phones): https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m0022n0f/panorama-can-we-live-without-our-phones

And read this: https://smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk/

How long has she had the phone? Did her getting it coincide with the self harm and truancy?

It’s really easy to find out how to set up limits on the phone. Just google it instead of asking here!

Ok, that's interesting. You've tried to engage but the school haven't been helpful - I'm sorry to hear that, that's a whole level of frustration, isn't it?.
What a shame that the Pastoral Head hasn't been helpful. I wonder if some of the suggestions for external agencies would help? It's so painful when a child goes through anything like this, you have my sympathy.
Has she seen the GP?
The phones advice on here is good, though.

If you want to take her phone, I think you need to own that decision. Are you too scared to enforce other decisions and boundaries? I'm not having a dig btw, I know it reads bluntly, sorry.

I would come down hard on this, she is only 12.
I would be taking that smart phone from her until she is maybe 14 and give her a Nokia brick to just call and text.
Definitely sounds like she is addicted to it. Is she using social media?

Access to a phone is a privilege and reward and only given after school work and after school activities (sports etc and household jobs) are completed. An hour a day is than enough screen time.

It sounds like your daughter is going through a turbulent time and is under a lot of stress. Giving up her hobbies suggests some kind of depression. She is using the phone to distract herself from things she can’t change or deal with, it’s like a coping mechanism, or a self soothing strategy. Arguing about the phone is going to make the relationship with your daughter worse.