Teenagers joining in with adult meals with guests

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I have 2 teenagers, boy and girl. They are welcome to eat with us but otherwise they want to go off and do their own thing however much they like our friends or know them well. I find it weird when teenagers like hanging out with their parents friends. It's being socially unaware and the parents should not be encouraging it.

I used to enjoy being part of dinner parties as a teen - at our house, or my dad’s friend’s houses.
We used to enjoy a chat and joke with the adults, often we’d sort the music out, help with food and drinks etc.

I agree. Mine used to sit with us for dinner all the time from babyhood in high chair, it was no different if we had guests. We also had friends who came for meals and brought their children.

If you go out to a restaurant for a meal, that is different. You don't usually take your teenage children and teens generally want to do their own thing with their friends anyway.

I think if it’s at their house then definitely YABU to expect their kids to disappear from a group setting. You don’t have any need or right to turn the conversation to mature topics in someone else’s home. It’s different if you and a friend want to step outside or in another room to talk about something private for a bit, but that’s on you to leave the main communal space.

For outings it’s fine to express preferences and at your house you can extend specific adults or family invites. My husband and I communicate pretty directly with our friends and that’s the established norm for the various groups when it comes to planning. If we want to have an adults-only evening we will say exactly that when making plans, and if we want to do a family gathering we say that. It’s the same as making plans with just my girlfriends vs inviting their partners as well.

“James and I could use a grownups’ night out. Are you and Tim free for dinner next Saturday night?” Or if an invite doesn’t specify… “oh I’ve been wanting to try that place too. Were you thinking kids or couples or just the girls?” If you start specifying in invites and asking directly in response to invites from these friends, that will establish this as something that gets agreed on during the planning stage.

Teen joining the conversation at their home, fine.

Teen joining when you are out for dinner, absolutely fucking not.

Hmm. I don't think it's appropriate all the time, but I do think it's quite nice they want to be around their mum, and feel comfortable with you to be around you.

My teenage DD doesn't want to be in company of many of my friends, except a few.
Her boyfriends family are more of a kids are scarce vibe, and I find that a little unsettling.

DDs boyfriend is much more nervous when it comes to being around adults.

Each woman in our book club takes it in turn to host. We met through our children so we all have them of various ages. None of them really want to join in with us, in the same way I don't want to hang out with my sons' friends.
If the host's children are around then we'll usually see them at some point, coming in, going out, coming to the lounge, swooping in for nibbles, and they might stop for a bit of a chat, but it would be really strange and completely change the dynamic if they sat with us and joined in.

For dinner parties it's usually made clear whether children will be around or not.

I cannot for a second think that my 15 yo would want to come with to one of my friend's houses for book club.

Not wanting to have kids around for an adult event doesn't mean you don't love your children, or enjoy their company or whatever, it just means you enjoy spending time with your own friends. I think that's healthy.

@SaffronsMadAboutMe I've also read this exact thread before with the exact same OP comments.

I agree OP. It changes the dynamic when anyone 'extra' is in a group of friends, and especially teens who will not be interested in the same topics and who you will not want to tell personal info to. Surely you can't talk about your kids very openly and neither can the hosts. You would have to change the topics of conversation to make them appropriate for the age. That's how I feel, anyway.

It could still be enjoyable if the teens were mature and joined in, but it's a different vibe for sure.

All this performative puzzlement about why you might not want to talk freely in front of kids just makes people look limited and boring, not gracious and sophisticated as they probably imagine.

Obviously it is good for teens to experience adult socialising. obviously it is part of the role of the parent and surrounding adults to facilitate that some of the time. And you can even enjoy it. But it's not the same as just hanging out with your friends unless your friends are boring and judgemental and set a very fake dynamic, in which case, I am sorry for you.

My sister is one of those people who has always had her kids around her and thinks there is no requirement for any additional sophistication than that which can be achieved in their presence, which is extremely limiting

Politics and work are not for teenagers' ears? They need to hear about those things.
Mutual friends - ok if you're really slagging them off or discussing their secrets I suppose.

At home I think it really depends on what the evening / adults in question are like. The PP was talking about proper discourse etc. Well they all sounds very Margo and Jerry from the good life - lovely but not what my friends are like when we meet 🤣 For me it’s a chance to let my hair down, be me not ‘mum’ To say things I wouldn’t say around my kids. To share personal stories or problems or memories with friends. Lots of things I wouldn’t want friends kids hearing about! It’s not that they haven’t heard worse. It’s not about that.

We all have a slightly different side of ourselves we preset to different people. Particularly when it comes to talking to a child / taking to an adult friend. I think it would be pretty strange for someone to act exactly the same with a 15 year old and an adult friend.

OP I agree it’s strange but a diffficiot one. If it were me, I would have a gentle chat with my friend and next time it’s arranged to go out I would say it would be lovely to go out just the adults if that’s ok.

I think it’s bad manners of your friend to invite anyone - even her own daughter to a social event that want meant for her.

I agree with this although maybe the friend thought the invitation was for the family, not just the couple?

That shows why clarity is important - ‘We’d like to invite you and Dougie to dinner on Friday…the kids will be out (implying adult only)…would your darling Clarissa and Hugo like to join us?

We haven’t actually engineered it but it usually works out that kids join us for the meal and disappear after dessert to do their own thing/watch tv/whatever. I do think it is important to eat as a family and for children (especially old children and teenagers) to learn how to interact socially with adults.

Actually my teens do tend to hang around for the pre-food chat, the meal and conversation and then peel off after dessert. Especially if I put an old record on that’s not their taste. That’s when we can talk about sensitive things / topics not for their ears!

Yes I’d just say in that case is it ok if we bring ours.

That will orobably stop them asking them as they probably feel the same way you do!

Oh wait, I would t bring my son to someone else's house unless he has been specifically invited, I may have read wrongly

I would feel bad but behind my polite smile I would be thinking “please sod off”

Poor etiquette? Really? Is this the early 1900's. Should they be with the nanny and taken up the back stairs to bed??
If you come to my house for a dinner party then you will expect to eat with my child (albeit he's 20 now). From the age of about 17 he really didn't want to be there but at 15, if you accept an invitation to my home where I'm making you a free meal (and you are my friend) then my son is getting fed too!

I would expect teens to disappear, but they do have a habit of taking over the conversation.

I think it’s bad manners of your friend to invite anyone - even her own daughter to a social event that want meant for her.

I call in sick and skip it. Pointless when you could hang out with your own teens.

It might sound contrary but at least I'm honest. I would welcome teenagers and even young children. I enjoy their company.