Teenagers joining in with adult meals with guests

This is the one I remember www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4787987-to-really-not-want-teenagers-at-the-table?page=1

YANBU.

The dinner invite. You’re leaving your teens at home, friends teens know yours at school, of course this changes the dynamics of post dinner conversation! Teens can be included but sod off after they’ve eaten.

The restaurant trip where it should have just been the two of you. I’d be tempted to cancel. It is poor etiquette imo. It will again change the dynamics of what you can discuss, unless this is why your friend is doing this?

On the plus side, you are obviously well liked by these teens 😆

I am also a believer that it changes the dynamics and conversation, and would be unhappy with the teenagers being included on a night out - especially without it at least being discussed first.
Only advice - don’t make much effort with them this time! Don’t ask them about themselves or ask for their opinions. Think of general topics you feel interested in, such as something in the news, politics, books, films, travel.
Plus how do you usually split the bill when eating out with friends. Don’t offer to split the bill per couple. Maybe when it’s time for the bill, ask casually “What are we doing about the bill tonight?”

how odd I honestly thought this post was going to be about ‘rude teens’ staying in their room when we have guests over, aibu to expect them to join in with dinner and conversation. Growing up I have fond memories of my parents having their friends over (some who had children and brought them, some who didn’t) and having dinner together. As a teen sometimes I would. Going out myself - maybe my parents timed it this way sometimes I have no idea but I definitely was there others including dinners out shock. I’m still friendly with some of these people now and we may go for dinner with them if I was back visiting my home town.
edit to add my mum and dad definitely had adult nights on their own but not so much as a couple until I was off doing my own thing

Fine to eat with you but I would expect them to make their excuses so I can enjoy my friends company.

If you are right and everyone thinks its fine to say adults only at some social occasions, then this is a simple misunderstanding and not worthy of a thread.

I’m quite certain I’ve read this exact OP before

I don’t think they are, but I do think you’ve misinterpreted some comments to mean that.

@AGoingConcern some people are arguing that there is no occasion where teenagers should not be included.

I'd really hate it too so would pull out. Sorry Jane, I love everyone's kids but was looking forward to some adult time, so will come next time. Have a great time.

When we have friends over for dinner if our teens are at home they will join for food, have a chat then politely excuse themselves. Both for their benefit but also to allow us to have conversation with our friends without them.

An acquaintance always includes her teenage DD in every social occasion and conversation. Including discussing partner swapping involving parents from the DD’s school which I thought was very inappropriate. The DD also shared some opinions she’d heard about the XW of one of her dad’s friends who she’d never met but who the XH and new wife like to complain about when they’ve had a few drinks. Just not what I want to hear from a 15yo tbh. I think she should be socialising with people of her own age not gossiping about the sex lives of adults.

I don’t think anyone is arguing that it’s not ok or rude for adults to plan adults-only time. That’s fine!

But what OP asked is whether people thought it’s inherently rude for teens to be included in conversation or asked to stay at the table with company. Other posters are sharing their opinion that it’s not weird or rude for teens to be included.

Both of these scenarios are perfectly fine and normal. The problem here is that OP and her friends aren’t on the same page about which of these occasions they’re having. It’s not an etiquette breach, it’s a communication problem.

It's not "othering" for god's sake. Adults should be able to have time on their own without children, not every aspect of life has to include them. Yes on those occasions they should eat earlier or go out, OP is talking about mid to late teens.
I'm assuming that when your teenage children invite their friends round and they cook pizza or whatever, you sit right there with them all evening and join in their conversation about who fancies who, or what so and so did with such and such etc etc, ignoring the fact that they and their friends think you're weird for doing that and really you should make yourself scarce for a few hours.

The "cool parents" with the inter generational mixing...
until 15 year old Tarquin tells India he heard his parents and their friends discussing how India's dad is shagging his personal assistant.
What a fabulous "dimension" to add.
Children and teenagers have no place at adult only events.

This wouldn't bother me but my teen DD has mental health difficulties and is probably more reliant on family members for social interaction than many other teens would be. I wouldn't take her to a meal out with friends but wouldn't stop her joining a meal at home. I would have extended the invite to friends DC too if I knew my DD would be at the meal.

@Tomorrowsanuthrday you are talking about it from a teenagers point of view. I totally understand why you had no problem with it. But as I said, I do not want my DCs schoolmates knowing lots of personal info about me or my family. it is just not appropriate.
I am absolutely fine with teenagers around if it is a quiz, singing kind of do like you describe. But not if it is a group of adults sitting around talking.

They would have done but if the gathering was in my house I and my siblings were welcome to join them. We did go back and forward to our rooms but we were always around in the house or joining in. I didn't accompany my parents to friends houses but as far as I'm aware children & teens were also around during visits.

YANBU!

@Tomorrowsanuthrday so there were times they met up without you?

Not the case at all.My parents only had lifelong mostly professional friends and there were many. Ultimately they were mostly like family. I'm sure they had meaningful and no doubt probably boring discussions when I wasn't around but mostly I remember it as fun times.

I'd assume the teen should be more than welcome to eat meals in her own home. In my family/friendship group kids of all ages join us at meals if they want to. They're more than capable of holding and contributing to interesting conversation. It sounds like you actively dislike this particular kid?
Do you expect teenagers to eat their turkey dinosaurs at the little table at 5pm, then all the adults can have a proper meal and conversation at 8pm once the kids are packed off to their rooms?
It sounds pretty old fashioned and 'othering' to be honest.

Our teenagers wouldn’t want to have dinner with us and our friends! We sometimes pay DD to cook and serve dinner to us, a mutually very acceptable arrangement!

@Tomorrowsanuthrday that sounds more like families getting together - quizzes, music singing - than close friends meeting up. Its fine, but the conversation is superficial.
Or maybe some people simply do not have friends they talk to about anything meaningful?

I like (most of) my friends’ dc, I’m interested in what they have to say and I think it’s really healthy for teens to participate in adult conversations. So, I’d be fine with this and the teen could always make their excuses and leave if they’re bored.