Teenagers joining in with adult meals with guests

You are not unreasonable to want to go out to dinner without the teenagers. You are unreasonable to think that when the teenagers were in their own home, they should have been made to leave the table at a certain point after dinner. If they were permitted to eat with everyone else, it’s rude to think they should be made to leave when other people are still there.

There's clearly a big divide between those parents who think their kids are their "mates" and should be exposed to everything that adults discuss.

And the parents who actually want a separate social life from their kids and don't want them sat around whilst they are chatting to their friends!

I'm intrigued by the first ones as I can't see how they would ever have time away from their kids if they think they should be at every meal / social gathering!

I think yanbu about the restaurant. It is impolite to just invite extra people along to a planned meal.

With regard to dinner at your friends' homes, I think yabu. Teenagers shouldn't have to make themselves scarce in their own homes. That sounds like a modern version of the Victorian "children should be seen but not heard" thinking. I see nothing wrong with them joining in the conversation if they want to.

If I wanted to talk about a specific issue that was personal and private, I wouldn't really do this at a dinner party in any case - I would be more likely to arrange a 1:1 meeting with my friend rather than pour out my heart over dinner. I wouldn't generally want to discuss those things with my friends' partners around in any case.

As for general dinner conversation, there isn't really much that I would need to avoid in front of teenagers. I don't tend to talk to my friends about sex in any case, and I don't gossip about my kids. Wouldn't generally have an issue discussing work, health, politics, ageing parents etc. But I'm generally quite open about stuff and I don't view young people as a separate species as some do. As long as they are reasonably polite and sociable, I'm quite happy to hang out with my friends' kids - they're hugely important to my friends, so I'm glad to get to know them and actually quite flattered if they would prefer to hang out with me for an evening instead of endlessly scrolling through social media etc!

Does everything have to be a learning experience for the kids though?? There are family meals etc for that. Op is talking about socialising with her friends and a night away from her own teens

@axolotlfloof have you considered that your friends might feel they can't leave their child home alone, and they are too old for/won't accept a babysitter? I can think of various reasons why parents don't want to leave a teen alone at home on an evening, so it might be that your friends are trying to see you and also look after their child

Why?

In that case going out for a drink might be better

It’s not necessarily the need to ‘confide’ in anything. Just that someone wants to spend time with their chosen friends - not their friends and their offspring. Do some people really not ever see friends without their children being included?

I want to talk to my friends

I don't mind a quick chat with their dc but not there the whole time

It was similar, not word for word. Going on the number of people who think this is ok - it’s clearly a common issue.

Me too! Word for word.

my kids love an adult get together 😬

I’ve socialised a lot in Holland and it was always a mixed age group which I enjoyed. If you want to talk about something sensitive, arrange a different time and make clear you want to “confide” or whatever

So how about the ones that don't find it 'normal and nice;?

If I arranged to go out for dinner with friends I wouldn't expect their kids to tag along.

I hope people who do this split the bill fairly

@SwingTheMonkey that does tend to happen in my family. I'm not saying it's fantastic for everyone, but it seems normal and nice to me.

They're going out...

Do you hang out with his friends too?

Unless by ‘adult meals’ you mean eating sushi off each other naked bodies, what’s the problem? You are going to their family home.

But why would you think he’d be welcome at an adult get together in a restaurant?

Im amazed there are people who don’t socialise without their children. Or who think it’s ok to bring along a child to an adults meal in a restaurant. I wonder if they are the same people who would bring their partner along to a girls night out?

I didn’t use the word allowed?

I would take DS to a meal as in public we aren't going to discuss anything he can't hear. When at home he usually joins us for food and then goes to play something less cringe than sitting with us.

I love my friend's teens. Beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful souls. When I go round and the conversation gets a bit ..well...not what a teen might want to hear (usually when we've all had a few drinks) they smile sweetly and politely go off to their rooms where I am sure much cringeing and discussion of middle aged misbehaving goes on!! 😂

Nobody said she should immediately leave.

Teenagers spending whole entire evenings with the friends of their parents and going out to dinner with them is totally different from what my family does.

We have our own friends and our own pastimes. If I arrange to go out to eat with one or a group of my friends I don't take my teenagers and if I have friends to my home, I would expect my teenagers and my husband to all be eating together but I would also expect them to drift off afterwards because they have their own interests to pursue.

I'm interested to know whether it's just the mother that you expect to share all of her friends and social life with her children. Or whether in your family nobody does anything without the other people.

“Allowed” is where I stumble. Teenager might feel the need to make themselves scarce after a family dinner, parents might be asked if they could facilitate a teenage get together in their home and make themselves scarce. “Allowed” only comes into it if the parent is being asked if kids can have a party etc.