To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

I don’t believe I am.

OP, surely you knew how this thread would go, stepmothers on MN are all evil unless they love their stepchildren as their own, throw everything onto the altar of step parenting, step children can do no wrong because they are traumstised, preferably you should not have children of your own at all in case your step children get traumatised some more and feel replaced, etc etc.

one exception- if you are used as free childcare. In this case, LTB.

For what it’s worth, I think you did absolutely nothing wrong. People who think you can’t rant to your close friends in private (about anything!) are insane or don’t actually have proper friends. In my “circle of trust” there are literally no off limits topics and no one is as contained as you’ve been in your language. The whole point is being able to say anything at all and not be judged.

I, however, would find it incredibly difficult to get over, firstly, DH reading messages on my phone and, secondly, the guilt tripping afterwards. I would also be questioning his level of empathy and emotional intelligence if he doesn’t appreciate the challenges inherent in step parenting. That makes it doubly difficult for you while he is indulging his divorced Dad guilt. That’s on him to resolve not on you to walk on eggshells and censor your private messages.

@EmeraldA129 you seem to be making things up.

In my book, they are bad!

It’s not two messages though, sounds like your DH is upset as he thought you loved his kids as part of your family, but now sees you don’t think of them in that way. It’s odd that that didn’t come up before he became your DH though.

I'm a stepparent and I'm not surprised your husband is upset I do love the children and indeed grandchildren as my own though

You're allowed to vent and empathetically agree with friends in a private chat.
YANBU.

For all the OTT back lash you have received from some women and your husband I wish you’d have said something worth the drama. I kinda wish you had said his kids get on my tits or words to that effect, least the reaction would match the crime 🤦🏼‍♀️

It's a pretty vile thing to read about your children, from such a close member of their family.

I wouldn’t be happy in that kind of relationship

Me neither. Her husband makes accusations without giving any details and reads her private messages.

I think this is all moot because he read YOUR private messages.

But I would be interested in hearing who does most of the clearing up after his kids.

If that’s for me, it was referenced in general, the checking phones, dad feeling kids aren’t treated equally etc all doesn’t add to up to something great (in my opinion - I wouldn’t be happy in that kind of relationship). Not that I’d be jumping to divorce but I’d be having big conversations around the relationship.

As a reminder, PP have actually said they would divorce their spouse for this.

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

Your opinion that she can say what she likes about his kids

Pretty sure I didn't say that.

We have different ideas about how we speak about/to our children and that’s fine. We don’t have to convince each other. The OP and her husband have different ideas and they need to work it out if they’re planning to stay together. she asked about his point of view and I offered some thoughts. Your opinion that she can say what she likes about his kids is unlikely to lead to marital harmony but she will have that group to give out to about him should they divorce so that’s a bonus!

The OP has said it's a group of her closest friends. So yes, it's talking with close friends.

Saying teenagers are annoyingly messy isn't exactly bitching.

But it’s about his children. And it wasn’t talking honestly with a good friend - it was bitching in a group app. There’s a big difference.

It's what is important to him. It's important to the OP that she can talk honestly with her friends.

And that’s fine for you to make that decision - we each get to decide what’s okay for our children. But the OPs husband feels differently and that’s what important in their marriage.

I know my parents adore my kids and I would still be a bit miffed/upset if they did that

Whereas I wouldn't care. If my kids had annoyed my mum because they were messy and she said so to her friends that's just normal.

Excellent point

i think you said you had kids yourself? Try to imagine someone like a grandparent discussing them negatively with a group in written format. I know my parents adore my kids and I would still be a bit miffed/upset if they did that although I wouldn’t mind them saying to me they are a bit untidy or whatever. I think the “step” part of it and the invasion of privacy has muddied the waters. You are entitled to speak freely to your friends about whatever you wish - he is entitled to be upset and annoyed. Is this the hill you want to die on? I can say what I like about your kids?!

No but what she said - and the broader context in which she said it - was objectifying of the children and hurtful. If the children had read it most likely it would hurt, so it’s not surprising it hurt a loving parent to read it. Anyway it’s all been covered in the thread, can’t be arsed to argue with you about this as I know your views.

Has she done anything to hurt or upset the SC?

Have you changed your passcode?