To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

But why is he pissed off? You can't force love. She loves him, she loves her kids. She isn't abusing his kids she just prefers her own? In a way you probably prefer some people to other people for whatever reason? Why do you love your partner more than your friends partner? Should you be made to love them the same because your friend does?

I can imagine it was hurtful for him to read. 😕

Well, you have the patience of a Saint as far as this post goes! Jeez, I just do get why people can't see that because SC have their own mother the relationship with a step Mum is very different. It's a dynamic which goes both ways and entirely understandable that you, and most SMs, don't love them like bio children. You sound like you are doing a great job with your SC. I wish your husband appreciated both your challenges as a SM and your right to privacy.

Well yeah it wouldn't be an ideal situation 😂 The point I was trying to make is that, whilst OP keeps saying it wasn't a direct criticism of her actual step-children, it's really easy to see how it can be interpreted like that. In the example I gave, she'd surely feel that the 'only a saint could' comment was a criticism specifically of her.

I love MY kids, they are the most important thing ever to exist and I would move heaven and hell for them... most other peoples sproglets make me want to scream.

I relate very strongly 😂

Yep.

I always wanted kids, its a deep burning desire in the core of me... but I hate children lol.

I love MY kids, they are the most important thing ever to exist and I would move heaven and hell for them... most other peoples sproglets make me want to scream.

Although as I get older I sometimes think it might be other parents I hate more than kids... like the 'gentle' parent who does fuck all while her demon child runs riot is likely the bigger issue than the kid itself.

But then again snotty/sticky/diseased toddlers of other people trying to kiss/touch you are never 'cute' no matter how much I like their parents so maybe it is the kids.

I will give it that sleeping/staring big eyed little newborns are pretty sweet and cockle warming though.

It make sense to not be as close to your stepchildren as to your own children. First off, the stepchildren already have a mom and a dad and don't need another. Secondly, as a step-parent you enter into their lives at a much later stage. Many step-parents do not even meet their step-children until they are several years old and often already in their teens. Ofcourse the bond a step-parent has will be different and less close than a main caretaker (such as a bio-parent).

I also fine it mildly abusive that he is denying you the ability to speak freely with your friends.

Same.

I also fine it mildly abusive that he is denying you the ability to speak freely with your friends.

This.

Do his children have a mother or are you their mother in absence?

It's too wildly different things and its true you will always love your own more even if you are caring and 'fair'.

My step-mams where NOT my mam, not even close and I do not 'love' them. In fact they aren't even proper family they are 'in laws'. I liked them and was closer to them that my actual father (they made effort, he did not) but it was like an 'aunt' who married your uncle and is cool to see occasionally not anything near a 'mam'.

My 'step' Dad raised me as a dad figure in absence of my bio-father who made little to no effort my whole life. I would call him my dad as he is the closest thing to a dad I had but I'm also under no illusions that my siblings (his bio kids) are still different to me relationship wise.

Suppose he's pissed off you don't love his kids. Can relate.

You have nothing to apologize for. Your husband on the other hand should apologize for reading your private messages.

I would put a lock on your phone are set your notifications to not show the content on the lock screen. That we he wouldn't see his children's names popping up either and giving him even less of an excuse to be nosy.

It sucks when your partner violates your trust like this.

Your husband is the definition of play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I also fine it mildly abusive that he is denying you the ability to speak freely with your friends.

I have said waaaaaay worse things to my friends about my own (very lovely overall) DC. Personally i would never involve a SD in my life until my kids are 18 as I want them to be loved the way DH and I do (ibvs i would have no control over whether DH would hypothetically take a 2nd wife).

I speak as a mother and a stepmother, by the way.

what difference does it make if they are your own children

It makes all the difference. As a mother (generally speaking), you feel a maternal love towards your own children that enables you to tolerate much more in terms of the difficult aspects of parenting, because that unconditional love you have for your own overrides the rest. It's always there, and it's the glue that holds you together as a mother and allows you to dig deep on even the worst of days. You don't tend to have that for someone else's children. Hence the shitty behaviour can feel harder to tolerate and will grate more.

OP’s partner feels the same as you. You both expect the step parent to love your child unconditionally. So how would you feel if your partner was speaking negatively about your DC in a group chat?

I agree he shouldn't be reading your messages but you have said "must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't" and "It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

I don't know if you have children but what difference does it make if they are your own children, like some said what about adoptive parents. Im not saying you don't love them but I get his point.

Different if you said it verbally in private to a friend. But to say it so casually to a group

Yes - to a group of friends. I don't know how other people's friendship groups work, but in mine we say what we think and feel without the need for censorship because, well, where else can you vent if not your closest mates?! OP didn't walk into a room of randoms and declare how she felt towards her step kids, ffs 😂

She did say it in private - to HER friends on HER group chat, that her husband had no business snooping in. If this were reversed OP would be (rightly) called out on snooping in her husband's phone in the first place.

It is in my view at best intrusive and at worst controlling to say a partner should not have the freedom to express their feelings to their own friends in a private chat.

Privacy and secrecy aren't the same thing.

In what way? Can you explain?

Glad someone else noticed 😂

This is such a weird comparison I don't even know where to start 😂

A man saying he's not sure he can love his current wife in the same way he loves his first one is obviously a fucking red flag isn't it. If he felt that way he probably shouldn't have left his first one 🤦🏼‍♀️

Maternal love is a very different concept and I find it hard to believe anyone truly can't see the difference. A mother loves her own children in a very different way to her stepchildren (generally speaking) and that is OK and normal, imo. You can't force feelings, maternal love is very strong and very different.

All I'm reading is a lot of cold, heartless people. Shame on you

Ask the kids do they want you to be with them how their mum would be or how you are?
chances are they don’t want or need a mum in mums place so that in itself puts you in a position of it being harder because you have to parent without being the parent. Your partner is an idiot if he doesn’t see that, besides the point of reading your messages, he’s bloody lucky it wasn’t about him. People never hear good of themselves, and serves him right.