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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

793 replies

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 19:44

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Copperoliverbear · 10/09/2024 00:11

He shouldn't be reading your phone but I can see why he's upset knowing you feel like that about his children

Pantaloons99 · 09/09/2024 23:56

I've re read as much as my brain can handle at this time of night 😬. There's quite a bit happening here, beyond this one issue which is why it may be difficult for OP to genuinely own this. I absolutely still agree that this is inappropriate and hurtful.

The issue here may just be different expectations, different values. For example, some wives may discuss their sex lives on a group chat. For others it's an absolute no no disrespectful move.

I wouldn't be happy about anyone going through my phone. That still doesn't prevent OP from owning what's happened here.

For me, if I were husband , I'd see it as disrespectful to me and my children, a little embarraasing and probably giving an insight into thinking I wasn't aware my partner had.

Babyandfurbabymum · 09/09/2024 23:49

PrimalLass · 09/09/2024 23:42

Yes - she said that she's tried to raise it with him before and he doesn't want to hear it.

I'm shocked that so many are washing over the fact that he read not only her private messages but her friends' too. If I found out someone's husband had read my messages I would be furious.

I agree with you. It's bang out of order most people on here are siding with him! If my OH had sneeked a look at MY phone, even digging into Whatsapp Groups I'd be shocked. i reckon he had an inkling his kids had been playing up and wanted to check the comments 😁

Babyandfurbabymum · 09/09/2024 23:44

Pantaloons99 · 09/09/2024 23:36

@Babyandfurbabymum the fact he actually responded the way he did is actually a really good thing in my eyes. He's reacting appropriately.

Unlike so many men we shred on here for not giving a shit.

He may be a dick in other aspects of their life / as a parent but we only know about this particular issue and his response. His response is completely understandable and I'm glad he has actually expressed it! That's more balls than some of the deadbeats who'd ignore it.

I agree with you, but..... If he had resolved it the way you would have liked, she wouldn't be posting on here would she?

Babyandfurbabymum · 09/09/2024 23:42

DearDenimEagle · 09/09/2024 23:31

If he thinks twice, it will be to keep checking for more references to home life. He found something of note. He will check for more

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put a security code on that phone!

PrimalLass · 09/09/2024 23:42

Yes - she said that she's tried to raise it with him before and he doesn't want to hear it.

I'm shocked that so many are washing over the fact that he read not only her private messages but her friends' too. If I found out someone's husband had read my messages I would be furious.

Pantaloons99 · 09/09/2024 23:40

@Babyandfurbabymum I don't think I could be a step mum for many reasons. I wouldn't want to take that additional responsibility on myself. You don't need to be a stepmum to understand why the way this was done is hurtful. It's obviously hurtful! Context is everything here.
Yes I'm very real.

If I've missed additional information in this thread regards what OP is being subjected to, I'll concede.

Babyandfurbabymum · 09/09/2024 23:40

lightsandtunnels · 08/09/2024 19:49

Your responses are clearly very unfavourable about his children - it reads as if you don't like them. Do you? You say you do a lot for them and put them first at times over yourself etc etc but you don't actually say that you like them .
Obviously he shouldn't be reading your messages but I can totally see why he is pissed off at what you said. It must have been unpleasant for him to read. I would be very upset if I read this from my DH about my DS.

I wouldn't. I would see it as my partner having some struggles that they don't feel comfortable confiding in me about step-parenting. why is everyone so down on the OP? She obviously cares enough to reach out here and feels bad. some people on here are too judgemental!!

Babyandfurbabymum · 09/09/2024 23:36

Pantaloons99 · 09/09/2024 23:30

The intent is very clear. Husband is just responding naturally to that. It wouldn't take much for OP to address this and take ownership for the obvious and understandable hurt caused.

When people double down so very hard on something so blindingly clear, that takes so little to resolve, it absolutely screams of failure to take accountability and immaturity.

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Are you for real? I doubt you have step children. He should take account of how she has been made to feel!

Pantaloons99 · 09/09/2024 23:36

@Babyandfurbabymum the fact he actually responded the way he did is actually a really good thing in my eyes. He's reacting appropriately.

Unlike so many men we shred on here for not giving a shit.

He may be a dick in other aspects of their life / as a parent but we only know about this particular issue and his response. His response is completely understandable and I'm glad he has actually expressed it! That's more balls than some of the deadbeats who'd ignore it.

Babyandfurbabymum · 09/09/2024 23:33

Pantaloons99 · 09/09/2024 23:20

@Mumof2namechange has articulated this situation as clear as day. Posters are just completely disingenuous in their oversimplification of how this scenario played out.

If OP didn't have an inkling that it was bitchy, the intent was bitchy, the setting was not really ok, that husband might be valid in his feelings on this; she wouldn't be in here seeking validation over this point.

Oh well he needs to grow a pair and get over it! Sounds like he was expecting her to act like his offspring's birth mother, which she isn't.

DearDenimEagle · 09/09/2024 23:31

Suzuki70 · 08/09/2024 19:48

You're correct that it's a private conversation and perhaps he will think twice next time.

You might get a hard time as stepmums always do on here but I can't get past him reading the messages to be honest, regardless of the content.

If he thinks twice, it will be to keep checking for more references to home life. He found something of note. He will check for more

Pantaloons99 · 09/09/2024 23:30

PrimalLass · 09/09/2024 23:26

Indeed. Lots of people making things up the OP hasn't done or said.

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The intent is very clear. Husband is just responding naturally to that. It wouldn't take much for OP to address this and take ownership for the obvious and understandable hurt caused.

When people double down so very hard on something so blindingly clear, that takes so little to resolve, it absolutely screams of failure to take accountability and immaturity.

PrimalLass · 09/09/2024 23:30

No of coutse she doesn't need to love them like her own. But I think she needs to reassure her dh that she doesn't always find them "grating" or require saint-like patience or possibly agrees they are "random strangers" whatever he has rightly or wrongfully interpreted.

She probably has.

PrimalLass · 09/09/2024 23:29

I have an English Lit degree.

Mumof2namechange · 09/09/2024 23:29

PrimalLass · 09/09/2024 23:23

Would you lie and tell your husband that you love his children as much as your own? What's the point? Better to talk through his expectations - no?

There's a wide gulf between "loving children like your own" and bitching scathingly about them on a group chat. Come on now. No of coutse she doesn't need to love them like her own. But I think she needs to reassure her dh that she doesn't always find them "grating" or require saint-like patience or possibly agrees they are "random strangers" whatever he has rightly or wrongfully interpreted.

Because you and others might be determined to put the best possible spin on op's comments, but her dh has been troubled by them. He's no doubt at least partially misinterpreted them.

It's up to op to reassure him, or, like I said, she can choose not to.

She's chosen not to, and this is how he's reacted, and that's the situation she finds herself in, and that's what she's brought to AIBU table for us to advise her about

MeTooOverHere · 09/09/2024 23:27

Mumof2namechange · 09/09/2024 23:14

The difference in tone is:

In the first example, she said a strongly emphatic positive thing (I love the bones of them, I'd die for them) followed by a BUT then a bland negative thing (they push my buttons and wind me up). The overall impression is positive.

In the second example, she said a brief, bland positive thing (they're good kids) followed by a BUT then an emphatic/sarcastic negative thing (you'd have to be a saint etc). The overall impression is bitchy.

This isn't a birth mum vs stepmum comparison, it's a not bitchy vs bitchy tone comparison. You don't need an English lit degree to see the difference.

People are bending over backwards to make out op said nothing untoward but at the end of the day, she said some bitchy things about those kids and their dad saw. She's choosing not to apologise for what she said (non-apology: sorry you're hurt but I stand by what I said) and her dh has been troubled by it.

As I said, it's her dh she has to reassure, not us. Even if the few commenters who are quoting me, eventually convince me that actually what op said is grand, that won't help op

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Prob I do need an English lit degree. I don't have one and I already gave you my interp. Bare summary of reality.

I have science degrees and over 20 years working as a scientist. I also write quite a bit and the whole emphatic/bland thing went over my head. You are right, having it pointed out to me, but I still stand by what I said.

Maybe DH has a lit degree and OP doesn't?

PrimalLass · 09/09/2024 23:26

Pantaloons99 · 09/09/2024 23:25

It's like talking to a brick wall watching this thread.

Indeed. Lots of people making things up the OP hasn't done or said.

PrimalLass · 09/09/2024 23:26

Why hasn't she bonded with them then? Can't bare the thought of bringing up somebody else's stroppy teenagers!

You are making things up again. You can bond with children without loving them in the same way as your own.

Pantaloons99 · 09/09/2024 23:25

It's like talking to a brick wall watching this thread.

PrimalLass · 09/09/2024 23:23

Would you lie and tell your husband that you love his children as much as your own? What's the point? Better to talk through his expectations - no?

Mumof2namechange · 09/09/2024 23:22

It would be so easy for op to say to dh "oh I didn't really mean it, I got carried away as everyone was venting/I'd just had a bad day etc". Then move on to address the snooping issue.

It's puzzling why she doesn't say that. She chose to stand by what she said. It's seriously escalating the conflict and her dh's concerns. He probably now wonders if she really does resent them, etc

PrimalLass · 09/09/2024 23:21

Dh does, that's the point.

If someone chooses to take offence that isn't intended, that's up to them.

Pantaloons99 · 09/09/2024 23:20

@Mumof2namechange has articulated this situation as clear as day. Posters are just completely disingenuous in their oversimplification of how this scenario played out.

If OP didn't have an inkling that it was bitchy, the intent was bitchy, the setting was not really ok, that husband might be valid in his feelings on this; she wouldn't be in here seeking validation over this point.

Babyandfurbabymum · 09/09/2024 23:19

Tandora · 09/09/2024 22:21

his kids sound as though they are probably not sweetness and light!

Where did you get this from? 😳

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Why hasn't she bonded with them then? Can't bare the thought of bringing up somebody else's stroppy teenagers! I'm lucky as my stepdaughter was 4 when she met me and we have a special bond. But my DH was very supportive