To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

Only because it is done by a male, obviously.

So does he not believe you have a right to privacy? He feels fully justified in reading your conversation? This would be a complete non-issue if he hadn’t taken it upon himself to snoop. You have a right to vent in a safe environment, as seems like it must be impossible to do so with him, given his reaction.

I would be upset reading that my partner thought that about my kids. I don't think he is overreacting.

He is wrong, curiosity killed the cat, you are 100% entitled to your private thoughts and conversations with friends.

I don't think this is a big deal at all- and he's being well OTT -some women will love step children like their own, some will care and look after them but not feel the same as they do about their own kids and some will feel perfectly ok with chat and the odd negative comments whether they are step kids or their own kids-

I always belive in honesty between partners on this sort of thing. However there's been many posts about stepdads and his wider family feeling differently about step vs biological, which results in them being called for everything. There was a thread recently were the SIL was insisting that without her first children going, the OP and PIL wouldn't be seeing their biologically related grandchildren and everyone agreed. You can love a child as much as your child, but it's fine if you don't.

Sometimes when you snoop, you see things you might not like.

I get why he feels a bit upset, but you are sharing with your friends how you feel about a situation and it’s ok to feel how you do. You haven’t said anything awful about them in reality, but he might be a bit shocked as he maybe naively thought you loved them like your own.

He has no right to go reading your messages

😂😂😂I never though I’d read on MN that someone is angry about a partner reading messages.

There was definitely one supposedly from a woman who saw her husband’s friends moaning about stepkids in their WhatsApp chat and was annoyed that her husband didn’t step in to argue with them. Almost identical. 🤔

Anyway. My answer in either case is that a) don’t read your partner’s private messages and b) don’t expect them to love your children like their own, because they are not their own.

Reading other's messages is like wearing other's underpants. Gross and no reasonable person should do it. As a step parent, I can understand how you feel but I wouldn't dream of voicing it to others. Because I do care about my partner and my SD and I don't want either of them to be hurt by seeing it or hearing it through the grapevine. These are my private feelings and I do my best for them to not seep into daily life. So yes, I felt uncomfortable reading your messages and I can absolutely see why your partner thought it was hurtful and inappropriate.

What about them?

You can love your adopted kids, you can love your step kids.

But very few people who have given birth to and raised a child, tend to say that the love is 100% the same.

I do work with someone who says this, but she adopted at 6 months.

Not sure if that makes a difference.

Of course you don't love them the same way their mother does. They have a mother!

You told a group of people that it would take a saint to love his kids. Implying that they must be unpleasant if only saints could love them.

I'd be pretty upset if someone made comments like that about my kids in a group chat. That wouldn't have stayed confidential whether he read your messages or not.

His concerns are obviously valid.

So no dad can ever truly love a child because they didn't give birth to them?

That's a bit of a generalisation, what about adoptive parents?

If you said it to him, or to the kids he would have a right to be upset, but you had personal feelings that you discussed with your friends in private, you weren't even being awful about them, just talking about the situation in general.

You're allowed private thoughts, and you're allowed to discuss those in private.

He took that option away from you and is using his snooping as a stick to beat you with.

I don't think you're wrong to feel that way, or to discuss with friends in private, but I don't think I'd ever put that in writing in a group chat. It was bound to be hurtful if either your husband or the stepchildren saw it. For goodness sake keep your messages private and your screen locked as a minimum, if you are going to write this kind of thing.

Also there are people who love non biological children as their own - adopted or those born via donor eggs etc, "even" step children too in many cases. It's a pretty stupid thing to say to be honest

It is unrealistic of him to expect the OP to love his children as if they were her own. They aren’t.

Reading her messages is unforgivable.

Pretty sure the messages in question were the same.

No you aren’t. Your sentiments are very honest and I don’t see how anyone with step kids would disagree with the fact it can be very hard.

I remember having conversations with friends about our own kids and one saying she love her kids but doesn’t always like them.

while it’s something you might not be proud of, or say to everyone, it’s a truth you’d share with like minded people.

and where these comments were made is important- it was a private conversation with close friends. You weren’t saying this in front of the step kids - or your husband.

Having said that, I can imagine he found it quite hurtful. We all take criticism of our own kids to heart, don’t we?

but the elephant in the room is the fact he was looking through your texts- it’s really out of order.