To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

Well you are where you are, but if you want to repair things, going in with he is overreacting is not going to get you where you want to be.
Ultimately you are defensive and possibly violated and maybe embarrassed (fill in accordingly)
And he is upset and hurt and it sounds like it's playing into existing insecurities he has.
It is tough and both your feelings are valid.

The whole phone thing is really a triviality in comparison and I would say let him learn his lesson (or otherwise)

So I would start by addressing both of your feelings and validating each other, and then move on to addressing any insecurities you both have.
If you both try to convince yourselves you are right and other is wrong, it won't be good for either of you.

I must admit I wondered that about adoptive parents, being as I was an adopted child.

Some people do genuinely love stepchildren as much as their own, maybe in a slightty different way, or the love grows as they get to know each other better, but it's still love and is often very special.

However, op, as you know, your husband was very wrong to read details of your private conversation with friends.

What was his excuse for doing so? The only time we ever hear of either partner doing that is if they suspect infidelity.

The stepchildren issue is irrelevant - rather, why the hell does he think it's OK to read messages on your phone? There is a much bigger issue here, which is about privacy and respect.

Also adoption is very very different. You make a choice to have those children be it via adoption, surrogacy or whatever. With stepchildren, you chose the partner, which yes does mean the kids are part of that package too but you didn't specifically jump through hoops to get those children and love them before you met them (like my adoptive parents tell me they did me)

Whenever anyone uses the word ‘but’ I think about Dr Phil’s take on that word.

“BUT is a powerful word. It means forget everything I just said, I'm now going to tell you what I really mean."

No idea, some do, some don’t, maybe start a thread on biological maternal love vs insert whatever

Forgot to add you missed the important bit of ‘as their own’, if you’re going to come and me, at least read what I wrote.

I'm not surprised he's upset. Why was he looking through your phone though?

Yanbu, you were being truthful in a private conversation.

I could never love someone else's children like my own and neither would I want to. I would rather be single than take on any one else's children and I really can't see how anyone would think of their own child the same as someone else's child. I'm sure many would agree. I have friends who have step kids and feel the exact same as you op.

He's probably a bit shocked to read what he's been feeling for a while.

I guess the level you're supposed to achieve is never enough when you're a step-parent, unless you genuinely feel it and love them with everything you have.

I don't think you can switch that on and off and it's perhaps not your fault if you can't feel that level.

of course that's the level he'd like but how often does it happen, in reality?

I'm not sure who is right or wrong. Are his expectations too high? Or should you try and love them more? It's very hard to choose here.

Just another reason I'll never be in a blended family.

Also I suspect the overall tone of the conversation was pretty ugly if no one pulled the friend up on the "random strangers" (wtf!) comment.

Even if what you wrote wasn't that bad, you were still part of a group slagging stepchildren off (or so it seems).

Well its a shame that this is how you feel… no matter how rare it is for a step parent to truly love a step child, still, it’s no wonder that your husband is gutted that you don’t love his children as much as he does 🤷‍♀️ it must be very sad for a parent to see that.

(my stepdad truly loved me as his own so it is possible)

I think this is a good point.. Does DH expect the DSC to love you like their own mother?

You can never treat a step child the same as your own… I personally think and he shouldn’t have been snooping!

There's a lot going on here tbh.

He shouldn't have read your messages BUT I can understand the curiosity after seeing his DC's names.

As a detached outsider you didn't say anything overly terrible, but at the same time I would be gutted to read anyone in my kids' lives write about them like that. "It's hard, they're good kids but...". It's actually quite negative in sentiment.

Adding that on top of him already feeling like you don't treat his kids right, I can understand why he's upset. Even though he shouldn't have looked, and you're not technically wrong.

It's feelings, not facts. If that makes any sense.

I’d be annoyed about him reading the messages.

god of my husband read mine there are sometimes rants to friends about him annoying me / not doing enough around the house / with the kids etc - it’s me just having a stressful evening or whatever and needing to vent to someone

I’m entitled to talk to my friends about whatever I want

He shouldn't have read your messages but you're allowed to feel how you feel.

I'm not a step parent, but I couldn't imagine that I could love another child like I do my own. I adore my nieces and am very maternal towards them but it's still not the same. I do think there are people that could love the same, and that's great.

I think in the case of adoption, you've chosen to adopt, the dc are with you full time and your role is to parent them. People don't choose to become step parents in the same way.

So, is he saying he expects you to love DSC the same as your own DC?

If so he’s crazy.

Hopefully this will all blow over though.

I don't think yabu because it's how you feel (and in truth I couldn't be a step parent, so the good ones deserve awards tbh), but regardless he shouldn't have gone into your phone. He can sulk all he likes I think a sensible discussion about the realities of step parenting would be worthwhile. The bio-parent in these set ups almost always shield themselves from the realities by sheer dedication to a land of make-believe in which their partner is as dedicated to their kid as they are.

I can see both sides.

He shouldn’t have read your messages, there’s no excuse for that, but he did and he saw unsavoury things written about his children.

I don’t think you’re wrong for saying you don’t love them like you love your own, but I do see why him seeing you say nothing when your friend referred to his children as if they are “strangers” in YOUR home pissed him off. They’re not strangers, and it’s a family home. Maybe you didn’t feel the need to pull your friend up on her comment, but I can understand why he took your silence as agreement with that statement.

Tough one. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong as such, but I also know I’d be upset if my partner had said the same thing about my children to their friends.

Have you both spoke calmly about it all since he read them?

I'd be annoyed at the snooping clearly you need Face ID!!

I get why he's peeved he wants you to love his kids as much as he does.but he needs to get that your experience isn't the same as his

Flame me now but unlike the rest of the saintly people if my kids names popped up on a phone message I'd be intrigued

it’s human nature to be protective and defensive about your kids

ask him if he loves your mum as much as he loves his own

but I would apologise about the cleaning up comment .it’s not great that you have less tolerance for part of your family because you didn’t give birth to them

tell him not to snoop at your phone or you will put a password on it