To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

I don't think they're terrible at all OP, just common sense really, although I can see how as a parent he would be a little hurt to read them. In his head he's probably thought of you all as one big family - which of course you are, but that doesn't mean you can magic up feelings that most parents feel only for their own children.

I'd apologise that it hurt him but say you weren't speaking badly about them and it was a private conversation between yourself and your friends where you were trying to show understanding for another's predicament, and it was not meant for others' eyes.

What a selfish, entitled and frankly horrible remarks.
So step parents can never reach out for support or guidance? Like parents
never moan or struggle? Hope you've never passed a single comment of your saintly spawn.

Wow

@Usercyzabc did you mean to quote me? I'm confused but then I've had a wine so...

I can't believe your mostly agreeing to what OP said , what if this was reverse .. your all be saying LTB .. and put your children first ...what you said is really unpleasant and unkind I'd be thinking twice if someone said that about my children .. what if you divorced , how would you expect a man to care and view your children .. he shouldn't have looked , but he has become his children names were on the message

Confusing too I imagine, sounds like you are creating a lovely stable environment with good boundaries, and no pressure on SC to view you as a substitute parent.

@Usercyzabc I see people all the time posting all over fb about other peoples kids about how they've had a lovely family day etc and such and such is the best step parent. The best ones are those who don't wish their kids dads a happy Father's Day but write one for their partner who isn't the dad. What are they trying to prove 😂 sorry but it's all for show

I think of it this way... if you broke up, he could decide from tomorrow that you never see your SC again. Ever. No discussion, no Court process, nothing. You'd be insane to let yourself feel the same about SC as BC in this case. Because imagine if your partner had the right to remove your children from you with no notice and no hope of ever seeing them again? It would be barbaric.

That's not the same with adoptive children, they are yours.

I think what you wrote is fair and honest but it's just a difficult situation and it's sad he read it. I love my stepchild dearly, he doesn't grate on me, he's a wonderful person, and I'd do pretty much anything for him, but do I love him as much as my own DS? No. DH has said he loves both the same (his DS and my DS, his SDS) but he's been a dad to mine since he was 7 and I'm not sure it's true. I appreciate the sentiment hugely but think it's better untested.

You have nothing to be sorry for.

Even the most stalwart of parents sound off about their own children when they get stressed, and it's entirely reasonable to talk about the difficulties of children that aren't your own, without being slaughtered for it as is so often the case on Mumsnet. Kids are very rarely little angels, your husband would do well to remember that.

He's overreacting, and please put a PIN or facial recognition on your phone because now he's probably going to be snooping left right and centre. You need to have a conversation with him about that, he was out of order.

Nothing about what you said in the group chat was unfair, you were being honest and talking about things in a space where you thought it was safe to do so. It's not like you were slagging them off. Some folks commenting here need to get over themselves.

This is far to reasonable for Mumsnet 😊

Imagine if your step children had been snooping on your phone.

Would've served them right.

Would it "be different"if it was about your joint kids? Or can you express your opinions about the difficulties you might have with them freely? Does he not see that him censuring your communications about relationship with them illustrates your point!

Honestly think this obsession with other people's kids is getting out of hand. Was talking to a friend about it the other day, people trying to parent other peoples kids because they're with their mum/dad. Unless these kids don't have their mum/dad or live full time with the additional person it's hard to feel the same. And generally these kids don't want an extra mum/dad.

My partner has a son from a previous relationship. I'm nice to him, play with him etc but I'm not his mum. I have zero say over him (rightly so). I know my place. He also isn't looking for another mum, he has one. I don't get to make any decisions regarding him etc and I prioritise my own child.

Your partner is unreasonable to think you have to love his kid like your own. As long as you're not nasty and you are welcoming then what more can he ask. It's hard to be a step parent and even more complicated when you're trying to parent a child who ain't yours to be parented and doesn't need an extra parent. That being said if some families are a little blended unit and happy then that's fine too but it doesn't mean it's right for everyone.

Reconsidering your marriage? Really?

It's not like she said she hates thier guts ffs.

I'd be extremely upset if I read messages like that about my DS and would be seriously reconsidering my marriage.
I think when you have step children it's better not to write anything about them anywhere or say anything that might be repeated. It feels like a betrayal.
Fine to feel that way but not fine to say it.
He should not have been in your phone though.
Imagine if your step children had been snooping on your phone.

Put a lock on your phone! Has he read your messages before? That you're aware of anyway.

@PointToItOnThePage so it’s stupid for me to say that I agreed with you that you can’t love your step children as your own as you didn’t birth them.

Ok I take back my defence of your position as the fact you think it’s possible means you really don’t like your step kids, your husband is still an arse though.

He shouldn't have been reading your messages. If he doesn't like what he's found, that's what he gets for snooping into a private conversation.

I don't have stepkids but I know I wouldn't love them as I love my bio kids if I did. If DH and I were to divorce and I remarried and he had kids, I'd accept them and do my best for them, but they wouldn't be mine. I don't want more kids. I'd be marrying for the man, and while I'd be a good step-parent as much as I could, they wouldn't be mine.

Nor would I expect another man to love my children the way I do. As long as he was good and fair to them, treated them well and was friendly and generally liked them, I'd be happy. They've got one dad, they wouldn't need another one.

Great if some people can do this. Maybe it's easier if the children are babies and they grow up around the step-parent. I don't know.

He shouldn’t be reading your messages. You go prying you often see things you rather wouldn’t. I can see why he’s a bit hurt reading it, but nothing you said was that bad. I’m sure you’re not pretending to love them like your own so he can’t be surprised. I’d be setting up a new password and not letting him near my phone. Huge breach of privacy

Exactly.

He definitely shouldn't have read the messages and I don't think your feelings are unreasonable, exactly. But you wouldn't have said those words about his children to his face for a reason, so I'm not surprised he's upset, and nor should you be.

I also suspect that the general tone of the group conversation was fairly nasty about stepkids, whether you contributed to the nastier bits or not, and that will have hurt him a lot.

He'll never understand it, because he isn't a step parent.

No it doesn't, it reads like she is trying hard and she's human just like everyone else. Stop villainising her.

He shouldn't have been snooping.
He doesn't understand stepparenting so needs to wind his neck in.