To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

I think your DH is being really unfair here. It’s unforgivable to have snooped on your phone. I think most stepparents feel as you do - fond of our stepkids but also the reality is they aren’t your kids and so their behaviour and presence grates.

When people say "love them as your own" they often mean cough up your earnings and fund their lifestyle or put yourself last and do the parenting their mum and dad can't be arsed to do

I guess some people forget that stepkids are innocent wee souls with watery eyes and quivering lips and must never hear anything negative no matter what they say or do because they come from a BROKEN home.

Op's own DC are innocent too, what a shame thier dad doesn't treat thier mother with respect.

I think perhaps the reason he's reacting this way is that he was already feeling you treat them worse than your dc.
I've been in the situation where I had a suspicion about something, but kept telling myself that I was seeing things that weren't there, and of course they didn't feel that way, I was just paranoid etc. When something happened that confirmed that my suspicions weren't just correct but it was worse than I thought, it upset me far more because I'd been telling myself I trusted these people and this couldn't be right.

I think you need to talk and listen to each other. Tell him you feel violated looking at your messages. Yes, tell him that you, along with most other step parents don't feel the same way. I think maybe a small apology and explanation about the messages. But he should also be apologising to you for reading your messages.
And you also need to listen if he feels you treat his children differently. There may be very good reasons, but people are very good at justifying to themselves, and it may be he also has a point there.

And? Maybe they don't want her to love them?

YANBU that he shouldnt have read uour messages, but what you said is awful.

You don't love his kids. That's the top and tail of it.

Stepmums really can't win on here. They must love the children as though they were their own but also butt out and not get involved in decisions about their upbringing because it's not their place.

YANBU OP. He shouldn't have read your messages, and what you said is truthful and not unexpected. He needs to get over himself.

Then they'll know they need to start cleaning their shit and start behaving better.

Apparently they’d deserve it, would be “twats” and “pretty stupid” according to a couple of riled up posters on this thread

Again they can love their step parents.
They can even love them as much or more than their Dad.

But I'd hope they had the sense to understand that their step mum is human with her own relationships and while she mightve done a bang up job being someone in their lives that she doesn't hold the unique love reserved for those who she felt kick her and birthed and raised

I don't think that any of you should be putting thoughts like that in writing. What if the kids saw it?

You are never going to win with this stuff. I’m assuming they have their own biological mother? Assuming they have - then you are a care giver, not their mother? Do you administer care to them? You say you do. Then to my mind you are doing a great job. If you are to be their mother then you need to apply for adoption and I’m guessing their actual mother would have an issue with that.

what if you divorced , how would you expect a man to care and view your children

I would never expect any other adult to feel the same about our dc as dh and I do. It's completely unrealistic.

If you're a parent living with a partner and tell yourself that they feel the same about your dc as you do, or that they feel the same about your dc as they do about their own - well, it might be a comforting thing to tell yourself but it's highly unlikely to be true.

Exactly

This is all your personal opinion, you have no idea how the teenagers feel. They may actually have love for the step parent (crazy to imagine, I know. It’s much better when everyone hates each other)

Pahaha! Oh give it a break with the hyperbole.

The only problem is the dishonest husband.

Hah, no, I was replying to the OP who you had replied to, so it’s messed up the tagging because of the quoting. Thats hurt my head. Sorry!

Thanks for reminding me, I’ve not had a wine since lunch, must get one.

A teenager who thinks a step parent holds the same love for them as their own kids would be pretty stupid and I'd be concerned for their lack of critical thinking.

She hasn't said there's no love. Just that it doesn't compare to her babies. Which it won't.

They have a mum. They're her babies. Not OP.

I'd apologise that it hurt him

Like fuck would I apologise to him after he'd been through my phone. It's perfectly fine to vent about your stepkids just as it is to vent about your own kids. It was a private chat ffs.

The only one who need apologise is the husband.

Innocent children from a broken home would have read that they weren’t loved by their step parent…you think that’s a deserving punishment for wanting to see why you were being discussed on someone’s phone? This site is nuts.

All the while proving that they are in fact twats 🤣

Not wow, what they'd have read would be the least of their worries after I'd be done tearing them a new arsehole for reading an adults messages.

The contents would never have a chance to be discussed because I'd never let the conversation get past their audacity.

Why wow? They would've disrespected the OPs privacy and read some not bad messages about the mess they leave .

Me too. I think about that every time.

@Usercyzabc there's lots of complication with partners little boy as his mum isn't easy. Life would be much easier if he was with us full time because then it would be less confusing and I could set my own boundaries but I also don't wish for her not to be around because that's not what's best for him and he does love her.
I'm just someone he sees at his dad's. If he wants to play or cuddle fine. If he doesn't speak much (mums always in his ear) that's fine too. He isn't rude to me and I'm not rude to him. I put no pressure on him and he does what he feels comfortable. That being said he can be difficult and I wouldn't have a moan to my friends, I moan about my own son and nephew... I don't moan because he isn't my son .. Mumsnet is crazy 😂

I think people who have kids and have separated from the other parent have unreasonable expectations of how other people should feel about their kids... I'm sorry but your kid is your world but they won't be everyone else's and that is reality. You could split with your partner tomorrow and have no access to these children