To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

edit

Going through your phone js not okay if it's a boundary you have set so that is another issue. However if I had read these messages I would be upset. My partner is step dad to my children and says he loves them as his own. We also have a dd together and he is clear he feels the same towards her as the others. So perhaps the problem is that you think the way you do?

I didn't say she was wicked or malicious.

My opinion is that the OP's response was not favourable about her SCs. You don't have to agree with me.

Do not enter into further conversation with him about his kids

I would firmly tell him you haven't forgiven his disgusting violation and the complete loss of trust and that at prest you won't be performing any duties to his children. You'll be the kind fun friend who lives here.
So 100% of their care and needs is on him.
All cleaning, feeding, transporting

How utterly stupid.

She's taken on a life in which his kids will be present and he will be prioritising them at times. That's it. Neither legally, nor morally does she have parental responsibility for the children. They should not (and presumably do not) love her like they love their own mother. She is under no obligation to love them like she loves her own children. Beyond treating them kindly and being welcoming to them, she has no responsibilities to them.

Slating your own kids is clearly different, it's like being self deprecating.

"Oh my Dc, he can be so annoying it does my head in"
Is clearly different to
"Oh my cousin's dc, he's so annoying it dpes my head in"

The first is normal. The second is bitchy. If you can't tell the difference, you don't understand basic social etiquette

You're failure to understand parental responsibility is the issue there.
Once you've educated yourself you'll understand your error. It's rather basic.

Why can't she say it on a private and secure conversation with her own friends?

I don't need to I do it in person to the people I need to, I slate my own kids in every known fashion.

The response to the messages are irrelevant really.

For him to go through your messages like that is all kinds of wrong.

No it's not

What, if anything, do you think she has taken on?

No, have you actually read what you quoted of me?

I said you don't have to love anyone's kids as much as your own. But don't go slating them on a group chat.

Do you slate your cousin's kids on a group chat? Maybe stop doing that

No she hasn't. At all.
You're wrong.

How dare he read your messages and then berate you for the feelings you privately shared with your friends! I take it he is not a stepparent and has no ideas of the sacrifices you're making. I'd be tempted to nacho for a bit.

She has taken on parental responsibilities for those kids. You haven't done so for your cousins.

I have 3 children.
My cousin has 3 children.
We've known them all since their pregnancy.

Do you think I should love her children as I love my own?

Come on now. We gripe about our own kids but no one would say

"Anyone who could love X as much as Y would be a saint".

It's scornful and contemptuous.

And there is nothing wrong with what she said.

She didn't have to sugar coat her feelings or make them more palatable because that's not her audience .

He's violated her. Not the other way around

Guess it's clear to see why the step kids are hard work if he's their role model

She doesn't have to put up and shut up. But the tone of her statements about them was scornful and contemptuous.

She didn't say the exact words "I do love them, just not as much as my own"

She said anyone who could love them as much as their own would be "a saint". Really quite strongly scornful choice of word.

Once contempt is present in a relationship, there's no coming back from it generally

I think that it was wrong of him to look at your phone and you are justified about being upset. It was, separately, also wrong of you to talk about your step kids in that manner and he is justified about being upset. I don't think either affects the other, they both need to be approached on their own terms. My personal view is that the tone of the conversation was unpleasant and, while it is entirely valid for you to feel the way you do, there is no reason to talk about it in that fashion. Beyond that, I think a lot depends on your relationship and how good and respectful he is towards you generally, and how well you fulfil your parental responsibilities generally.

*Do I have to delete mine?
Or is it OK because I'm their bio mum?
Is it OK for me to complain about them being messy and probably all the things OP has
Said?

I would ask if my DH should divorce me but he told me our 5 year old was being a twat after she was in bed last night.
*
Oh, in that case I'll keep the messages and if DP moans at me I'll say that I'm just treating them like my own given that I would be allowed to moan about my own DC to my friends without some posters acting as if the world is ending.

This is so true.
The trouble is, the biological parent just cannot countenance that someone else doesn't have unconditional love for their children.