To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

I 100% agree - if my partner was bad mouthing my kids to his friends, that would simply be the end of our relationship.

slagging off step kids, in which you named and shamed his DC

This is ridiculous. She didn't slag them off or shame them.

Actually I wasn’t talking about OP I meant in general you don’t have to give birth to a child to love them as your own. Adoption being the obvious example.
I quite understand that a step parent won’t ( always) love a sc in the same way as a biological child and nor will the child love the SP in the same way as their bio parent ( everyone is different though)
I wasn’t about to pounce on anyone btw.

You can’t have it both ways.

Yes it was a private conversation and YANBU to be angry that he snooped and saw it.

But, YABVU to minimise and try and dictate his reaction to what you said and what you agreed to with your silence in that conversation that was slagging off step kids, in which you named and shamed his DC.

You know when someone says horrible things their defence is “You weren’t ever meant to find out, and I was just being honest. I have nothing to apologise for,…” it’s very earth shattering and makes you reconsider your relationship with someone so lacking in empathy and so willing to denigrate your children behind your back.

If step-parenting is hard for you, these are the kinds of things you should be airing with a therapist, not on a group chat with friends that he and his DC may have to interact with one day.

“…Unless these kids don't have their mum/dad or live full time with the additional person it's hard to feel the same. And generally these kids don't want an extra mum/dad…”

This. I never, ever presumed to be “another parent”. They had a good mum. I was a great parent to my own son from my first marriage. I was THRILLED to marry a man who was a loving and responsible dad but it all went belly up because me and my son were a perceived threat to his youngest daughter. Perceived. She needed support and we tried but between 2008 and 2017, I was made thoroughly miserable and ostracised to the point where I’d have done anything to make it better. This only made her dislike me more.

Slating your own kids is clearly different, it's like being self deprecating.

"Oh my Dc, he can be so annoying it does my head in"
Is clearly different to
"Oh my cousin's dc, he's so annoying it dpes my head in"

The first is normal. The second is bitchy. If you can't tell the difference, you don't understand basic social etiquette*

Wait, but if OP is expected to love them as her own then it's all the same, right?!
*

I’d say it’s more about not liking the children, maybe if she liked/loved them it would be less of an issue.

You told me saying you can’t love your step children as their own mother does, is a stupid thing to say, yet here you are saying just that. I don’t get it.

I would too, I’d reconsider the relationship, I’m not sure I could come back from it if I read my husband wrote that about mine,

Why exactly? Nothing she's said is unreasonable.

Or conversely, why choose a partner who already has kids if you can’t handle it?

Whilst he shouldn't have read it, and YANBU to feel that way, it's obviously going to hurt to hear that about your kids.

I don't like to hear anyone talk badly about my kids, it's not nice. Unfortunately, I think this is just an awkward situation that you both need to just move on from.

If my partner ‘made it obvious’ to my older son that he preferred ‘our’ son, he’d be out on his ear!!!

OP can’t, so that makes her situation a little challenging.

There is a difference to having a biological bond with your children vs step children, and I’m not referring to extreme circumstances where there is an issue with the mother and the relationship she has with her child before you pounce.

Disagree - if it’s been brought up as an issue, it’s clearly significant to the OP’s partner..,

Or as is often the case.
He's just another bio parent who lives in fantasy and had unrealistic expectations regarding blended families.

Many bio parents should just stay single for everyone's sake

I really wish people would stop repeating "stepmothers always get a hard time on here" straight off the bat. In reality they definitely don't always get a hard time, if they're the OP people are usually sympathetic as is the case here. Saying this automatically dismisses any constructive criticism stepmothers may get and creates derisiveness. A few stepmothers then don't take and fair feedback on back but hide behind the victim-status of being a stepmother, or go on about there being a stigma. But then perhaps they are type to always play the victim anyway...

OP - I can understand it'd be hard for your DH to read that, and I personally think you should have challenged your friend on the "random strangers" comment. But you are entitled to your thoughts, they were not mean-spirited and your DH invaded your privacy.

Shit talking his kids to friends. No idea why he’s annoyed.

Surely the issue is more that OP’s partner has questioned her relationship with his children, he then sees his children’s names pop up on her phone and reads these messages - clearly there’s an issue - in my view if you’re not able to at least act like you love your stepchildren then why choose a man who already has kids?

I would be very upset too, reading that about my children.

From experience and threads when a Step parent address unwanted behaviours from the sc she instantly gets accused of hating the children 🤦🏼‍♀️ could be as simple as she’s said oh I don’t like when Ben leaves his piss on the toilet seat it’s disgusting and the dad is like it’s not disgusting is a mistake so on and so forth. As an example. Could be her raising an opinion makes him think she has a problem with his kids

I had 3 step kids. They were all teens when DH (now Ex) got together.

Eldest daughter was lovely. Middle (son) was indifferent (that was fine- he barely spoke to his dad, never mind me). Youngest at 15, was relentless in her hostility. It went on for years. First two years after we married, she just ignored me or was plain rude. If dad held my hand or brought me a small bunch of flowers, she went into such a low mood, or just went home to mum. She then refused contact. That went on for 6 years.

ExDH knew it wasn’t me. Nothing I did was right/acceptable. It was dreadful and I ended up on antidepressants and having counselling.

What I’m saying is, you can never ever criticise or be seen to express anything negative about your steps. ExDH had enormous guilt about the end of his marriage to their mother even though she had had an affair. I came along years later and inherited a total toxic mess.

We’re divorced now.

Best thing.

Agree 👍