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AIBU?

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To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

793 replies

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 19:44

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

OP posts:
PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 22:50

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 22:46

You wouldn’t be able to say ‘tidy your room’ to a stepchild? Ummmm

Surely you can understand that actually no, not everyone can?

My husband often gets more defensive of my step children than I feel he would be if I were to say the same thing to our own children. So it leaves you in the position of feeling like can I say anything or not.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 22:50

@ToBeDetermined you are missing the 'like their own' part.

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 22:49

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 22:46

I can answer from my own perspective but for me it's a variety of reasons, partly because you don't always feel you can be the one to pull them up on things as sharply, because you might be fighting against things that the actual parents aren't as bothered about instilling in their children I.e. chores or tidying up after themselves, and yes rightly or wrongly in your opinion, I do think we just have naturally more patience when it comes to our own children, there is an unconditional love there that helps get through those irritations.

So why did you chose a man with kids? I had two children - one with my partner, one with my ex - I made it crystal clear to my partner that my child comes first and if he couldn’t handle it, he’d need to meet someone else - what if you split up with your partner and then your kids become step kids to someone else? Would you be happy with someone talking about your kids in this way?

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 22:49

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 08/09/2024 22:45

People would divorce over discovering adults love their own kids more than those that are not?

Guess that's why some have so many children by multiple partners.

No critical thinking or common sense.

Best to stay single in that case.

This.

ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 22:48

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 22:38

slagging off step kids, in which you named and shamed his DC

This is ridiculous. She didn't slag them off or shame them.

If someone said about my kids:

”'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't"

So child X and child Y these are their names mind you - let’s imagine Nigel and Jessica to make this seem a little less impersonal. Reading between the lines.

Nigel and Jessica are hard work. I don’t think anyone other than a Saint could love Nigel and Jessica other than their bio mum. I certainly can’t.

Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 22:48

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 22:44

7 years

How old are all the children, as if the step children are older and young teenagers, it’s going to get a little more frustrating than it already sounds.

If yours are older and through the teenage years and more annoying and messy than yours then it’s also going to get messy.

Sounds like you really do need to have a conversation about how to manage this dynamic, and your DHs breach of trust which is a separate matter.

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 22:47

You wouldn’t be able to say ‘tidy your room’ to a stepchild?

To my own I'd say 'your room is a shit pit and there's probably something growing in there'. Different.

You seem very triggered.

Oakcupboard · 08/09/2024 22:46

I didn’t vote because I can see both sides.

I would feel exactly the same towards step children as you OP. However I’m not a step parent and would never choose to be because se of that. I am dubious of people who say they love a step child as their own - because I couldn’t. But that could be a me problem.

on the other hand if I read that about my child I would end the relationship - which would make a hypocrite I know, but I’d feel wounded. And wouldn’t want the person around my child.

and he was very wrong for reading your messages in the first place.

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 22:46

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 22:44

Why? I’m genuinely intrigued by this - why would a step child being messy be more annoying than your own child being messy?

I can answer from my own perspective but for me it's a variety of reasons, partly because you don't always feel you can be the one to pull them up on things as sharply, because you might be fighting against things that the actual parents aren't as bothered about instilling in their children I.e. chores or tidying up after themselves, and yes rightly or wrongly in your opinion, I do think we just have naturally more patience when it comes to our own children, there is an unconditional love there that helps get through those irritations.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 22:46

The over reactions on here from people who go would break up a marriage for this are insane.

And yes I was a step child.

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 22:46

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 22:45

For one thing - with my own teens I can bitch ABOUT them TO them about the state of their rooms and the mess they leave. It wouldn't be as easy to do that with step children.

You wouldn’t be able to say ‘tidy your room’ to a stepchild? Ummmm

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 08/09/2024 22:45

People would divorce over discovering adults love their own kids more than those that are not?

Guess that's why some have so many children by multiple partners.

No critical thinking or common sense.

Best to stay single in that case.

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 22:45

For one thing - with my own teens I can bitch ABOUT them TO them about the state of their rooms and the mess they leave. It wouldn't be as easy to do that with step children.

Bringitonnowibeg · 08/09/2024 22:44

I think you need to fix things with your husband there and not defend your actions to total strangers online 🫣
For me this would be the end.
There are clearly issues already if your husband is aware how you already treat them.
Then your own children will potentially eventually be in the position your step children are in.

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 22:44

Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 22:44

How long have you been married?

7 years

OP posts:
Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 22:44

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 22:43

Because it just is.

Why? I’m genuinely intrigued by this - why would a step child being messy be more annoying than your own child being messy?

Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 22:44

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 22:42

.I have already said in my previous responses that I have apologised that DH was hurt by the messages already. I am angry he read through my phone as I do feel I am entitled to be, but I have already apologised that he had been hurt.

I have said in my replies I'm not sure there would be any use in me apologising for the wording of the messages as it would be false. If he wants me to apologise and say no of course I love DSC like my own, that would be a lie so it doesn't feel right to do that nor would it help surely.

I have also said I agree we clearly need to have a talk about expectations.

How long have you been married?

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 22:43

Because it just is.

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 22:42

.I have already said in my previous responses that I have apologised that DH was hurt by the messages already. I am angry he read through my phone as I do feel I am entitled to be, but I have already apologised that he had been hurt.

I have said in my replies I'm not sure there would be any use in me apologising for the wording of the messages as it would be false. If he wants me to apologise and say no of course I love DSC like my own, that would be a lie so it doesn't feel right to do that nor would it help surely.

I have also said I agree we clearly need to have a talk about expectations.

OP posts:
Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 22:42

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 22:42

Yes it is - kids are messy, unless you resented your stepchild why is that worse than when your bio child is messy?

Where did OP say that?

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 22:42

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 22:40

I 100% agree - if my partner was bad mouthing my kids to his friends, that would simply be the end of our relationship.

Saying that teenagers are messy and it's even harder when they aren't your own isn't bad mouthing them.

Yes it is - kids are messy, unless you resented your stepchild why is that worse than when your bio child is messy?

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 22:41

Also - if my partner’s friend had referred to my child (so my partner’s step-child) as a ‘random stranger in the house’, I would be absolutely livid and would be questioning what else has been said, not in messages

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 22:40

I 100% agree - if my partner was bad mouthing my kids to his friends, that would simply be the end of our relationship.

Saying that teenagers are messy and it's even harder when they aren't your own isn't bad mouthing them.

Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 22:39

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 22:36

Excuse me? I never said anything like that. Please read back. I was responding to a poster saying what I said in the chat I.e loving like your own makes them a saint- was a stupid thing to say. I responded and said it wasn't a stupid thing to say because I imagine it's how the majority of SPs feel.

Oh, them I hang my head in shame, I misunderstood. I agreed with you initially then got annoyed as I must have got that wrong in that case. Your husband has unreasonable expectations especially considering your time with them is limited too

RedHotWings · 08/09/2024 22:38

ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 22:36

You can’t have it both ways.

Yes it was a private conversation and YANBU to be angry that he snooped and saw it.

But, YABVU to minimise and try and dictate his reaction to what you said and what you agreed to with your silence in that conversation that was slagging off step kids, in which you named and shamed his DC.

You know when someone says horrible things their defence is “You weren’t ever meant to find out, and I was just being honest. I have nothing to apologise for,…” it’s very earth shattering and makes you reconsider your relationship with someone so lacking in empathy and so willing to denigrate your children behind your back.

If step-parenting is hard for you, these are the kinds of things you should be airing with a therapist, not on a group chat with friends that he and his DC may have to interact with one day.

Yes, a point I also made and has been ignored. The OP is, intentionally or not, framing the debate in such a manner that support her underlying beliefs

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