To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

I can see both sides here. @PointToItOnThePage didn't say anything particularly dreadful in her messages to her friends, but I can see how her husband might still find them hurtful - and they both have valid feelings. I do agree that he should not have read her messages - I think she had a reasonable expectation that they would be private - but now he has read them, they need to deal with the whole thing.

I would say they need to sit down and have a calm, open conversation about it all - the childrens' behaviour, the OP's feelings about that behaviour, how it can be managed going forward, the unacceptability of reading of private messages and both parties' need for safe spaces in which to discuss things, and the feelings of hurt that OP's husband has.

I am not sure that this conversation would be easy - or even possible right now, given the strength of feelings on both sides - I wonder if there is a neutral friend who could act as mediator.

Another possibility would be if both of them wrote down how they are feeling, and why, then they read these in private, and discuss them when they both feel ready.

I’m in agreement with you, I feel that the recommendation of a therapist is ridiculous

I'm not sure if you are agreeing or disagreeing with me @emmaloo14

Why are we even mentioning therapists and support groups insinuating that the OP has ‘issues’ she needs to talk through? 😂 She was just sharing her perfectly valid thoughts and feelings with a friend who was asking for advice- its called contributing honestly to a conversation.

Really? Part of therapy is talking through issues and it sounds like the original poster has the opportunity to speak openly and honestly with her friends which will save her money as let’s be honest the waiting list to access therapy on the NHS is ridiculously long. Whilst for some people the orginal posters views my be unpalatable, unfortunately feelings need to negotiated and explored and this was her safe space to do it and her husband breached her safe space.

This has given me a good giggle this morning 😅 whatever next will be suggested on here? Lord… i think some need to log off and spend a bit of time in reality.

All the stepparents I know in real life (including me) feel similar to OP. They think the kids are good kids and think a lot of them, but they do not love them as their own. I think that's much more the norm.

Also the idea of a support group is madness for other reasons, when you consider that a support group for stepparents is likely to consist of, well stepparents, who are experiencing similar challenges and can vent and relate to one another. OP has a ready made support group at her finger tips for free in the form of friends who are also stepparents - so why would she go looking for another one full of strangers 😂

Also, imagine how her husband is likely to feel when she pops off to her weekly "support group" to cope with his kids if this is he reacts to a few honest and totally valid messages on a private group chat. I'm sure he'd be very supportive of OP's attendance at said group....

This site is wild 😂

It’s only on MN that step parents or adoptive parents couldn’t possibly love these kids as “their own.” All the SPs I know in real life clearly do.

He was wrong to snoop through your messages though. Although you clearly weren’t going to be honest with him if he’d asked!!

This

Wow that's fiction isn't it.

Her mate didn't ask "how's it going?"

If you bothered to read the OP you'd see the context was thus:

*The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

OP wasn't asked how it was going with her stepkids at all. She was contributing to a conversation about another friend's stepparenting challenges and doing what friends do - offering support and validation on the basis of her own experience.

Exactly! 😂 speak to a therapist ? The therapist would be like…. 🥴🥴

The idea that anytime you want to rant about parenting you need a therapist or a support group - I'm sorry but what🤦🏼‍♀️ 🤣🤣

OP is sharing normal and usual thoughts and feelings as a stepparent with her friends on a private group chat. She hasn't posted it on Facebook or published it in the local newspaper 😂

I'd also argue she'd be wasting money and a therapist's time. Her feelings are 100% normal and typical of many stepparents (including myself) as this thread has shown. The fact that stepparenting is a fucking tough gig at times is no revelation and wouldn't be to a therapist either. Just like if I booked a therapist to say "there are times when I find parenting my kids really fucking hard". Yeah, no shit? Who doesn't. Doesn't mean I need therapy. By that assessment half this site need it too as many of them post parenting challenges. This is simply a stepparenting challenge but the same principles apply.

If I had stepkids someone asked me 'how is it going,' I wouldn't immediately launch in with 'it's hard, I definitely don't love them like my own.'

It's not so much the sentiment but the fact that you shared it in the group, immediately in response to a general 'how's it going.' Makes it seem like you really don't like them.

Some people shouldn't be step parents if that's the first thing that comes to mind.

But shouldn’t the original poster have a safe space to rant.

Of course she should. God the number of times I've messaged friends saying words to the effect that I'm done with parenting today, pass me the wine, etc. Christ on really bad days I've even said jokey things like "is it frowned upon to leave your kid in the supermarket and just walk away from them? Asking for a friend" etc. Oh we also rant about our husbands too, the horror! And unsurprisingly we also share all the lovely moments of being a wife and mother too because there are loads of those, and life is about balance and taking the shit times with the good. Good friends are there for both.

But according to some I need to pay a therapist £90 a hour next time I just want to scream "arghhhhh wtf pass me the wine!!" at my friends on a group chat. All for the therapist to likely say "your feelings are totally normal and valid as a parent". My mates can say that for free 😄🤣

Therapist or group support?? Im sorry what?! 😂

Even if he did do that, even if he maliciously and intentionally undertook an outrageous breach of her privacy (which is not what the op said), that would be entirely separate to question of the rights and wrong of what the OP did.

He purposely opened it and read other people's messages.

The accidental part was seeing his kids names pop up on the screen.
He didn’t purposely dig out her phone, open messages and search by his kids names.

Well most people wouldn't go to a therapist if they have friends to talk to instead. But you do you.

Presumably those normal people rant to their friends about their self-righteous concepts of what is and is not normal, without regard to the impact on others.

No, most normal people rant to their friends if they need to rather than hiring a therapist.

1. This is about children not adults. 2. The appropriate safe place would have been with a therapist or support group.

But shouldn’t the original poster have a safe space to rant. Sometime people have feels that other people find unfavourable but I don’t think the original poster can be called out for how she is feeling. Sometime my husband is a dick and I wil rant to my friends as this is my safe space and I would be furious that he has invaded my privacy as sometimes people just need to rant x

Exactly that. Lots of step parents know their spouses would feel the same way if they said how they really felt about their own stepchildren. The lack of honesty, which would risk the relationship, is one of the reasons why so many children end up in toxic step families.