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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

793 replies

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 19:44

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:22

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:21

I also feel like it might have been different if say you’d messaged your mum or sister and said you found it difficult or whatever but in a GROUP is just a massive invasion of privacy - your friends will probably tell their partners or people they know. I think naming someone the children is particularly intrusive.

I highly doubt it was that stimulating that they will be informing everyone they know that I said I find step parenting hard and don't love them as my own.

OP posts:
Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 23:22

@Just4thisthreadtoday

Why?

This is OPs very issue… and this topic has been done to death on here already.

Original poster
PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:21

Tandora · 08/09/2024 23:16

You again are making it personal to the children which my original message absolutely was not

How on earth do you expect such a think not to sound personal? What if your step kids saw it?

I’d be very upset if I saw my partner casually slagging off my children in a WhatsApp group chat, and comparing them to his biological child.

Show quote history

I was not saying the children themselves are personally so unlovable that only a saint could love them as PP was implying and you and other posters absolutely know that.

And there is a huge difference between saying that ^ and saying you can't love stepchildren like your own

OP posts:
Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:21

I also feel like it might have been different if say you’d messaged your mum or sister and said you found it difficult or whatever but in a GROUP is just a massive invasion of privacy - your friends will probably tell their partners or people they know. I think naming someone the children is particularly intrusive.

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 23:21

Would you be upset if he was criticising his biological child to friends?

ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:20

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 23:16

  • That’s how I read: “X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy.”

Well maybe it isn't. So what? Who is she allowed to say it to?

A therapist.
Gossiping on a group chat is wrong.

LBFseBrom · 08/09/2024 23:20

Point said: We all need to vent away from our spouses sometimes surely? Just because you're married doesn't mean you may never need or want to speak to another person privately.

I agree, it is important to be able to offload privately but this was a conversation with a group of friends, not A friend. People don't keep confidences, they will repeat what you say, even if you don't say much, and take things out of context.

I can imagine one of them saying, "Point manages to put up with those kids", or similar, which sounds like his children are a chore. That could get back to your husband.

Next time you need to talk, find someone totally neutral and confidential.

You can't help how you feel and you obviously like your stepchildren but be careful of your husband's feelings. He was of course wrong to go through your phone but you have explained he saw the children's names which prompted him and is understandable.

Let's hope this smooths over soon. Good luck.

Tandora · 08/09/2024 23:19

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 23:18

I’d be very upset if I saw my partner casually slagging off my children in a WhatsApp group chat, and comparing them to his biological child.

Then you aren't expecting him to treat them as his own - unless you expect him never to criticise his biological child either.

This makes no sense

Teanbiscuits33 · 08/09/2024 23:18

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:08

I didn't say the kids weren't easy. I said IT isn't easy as in step parenting isn't easy. The only thing I said about the kids personally was that they were good kids.

Show quote history

But if you found the kids easy to deal with, you would also find step parenting them easy, would you not? The fact you find step parenting difficult says you find it difficult because of the children?

No one expects a step parent to love the children as deeply as their own kids, but it does read as if you’d prefer them not to be there. It just does, whether you meant it to sound that way or not.

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 23:18

I’d be very upset if I saw my partner casually slagging off my children in a WhatsApp group chat, and comparing them to his biological child.

Then you aren't expecting him to treat them as his own - unless you expect him never to criticise his biological child either.

ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:18

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:15

Clearly that is what you have chosen to believe I wrote but no. That isn't what I said.

The only reason I mentioned the children's names was precisely to say they are good children.

The children being good doesn't mean step parenting is all sunshine though in general there are aspects of it that aren't easy that have absolutely nothing to do with the children themselves.

But stop completely rewording what I said.

Show quote history

“X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy.”

From your OP. Verbatim.
X and Y are good BUT it (stepparenting them) is not easy

And we know that the part before the BUT doesn’t count, don’t we?

ScrollingLeaves · 08/09/2024 23:17

I think it was a private message he should never have looked at. He must be very upset though now that he has.

He would have had a hope/fantasy that you did love your stepchildren as though they were your own. That is unrealistic but understandable.

If I were you, I’d try to reassure him I do love them very, very much even if I am sometimes exasperated with them, and say I was downplaying my own happy set up so as not to make my friend feel bad.

Just4thisthreadtoday · 08/09/2024 23:17

Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 19:51

There is no way you can love them as your own as you didn’t give birth to them. If anything him thinking that undermines the bond they share with their own mother in my view but I digress.

You’re doing great if you get on with them, and there is nothing awful about what you said, you’re entitled to those feelings.

YNBU and your husband is an arse for reading your messages.

@Usercyzabc

There is no way you can love them as your own as you didn’t give birth to them

have you ANY idea how offensive that is??

honestly, some people

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 23:16
  • That’s how I read: “X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy.”

Well maybe it isn't. So what? Who is she allowed to say it to?

banality101 · 08/09/2024 23:16

Are step parents supposed to pretend that step parenting is easy?

Why step parenting? We don't have to pretend parenting is easy. Or work. Or house work. Or any other family members. Or friendships.

Lovethat · 08/09/2024 23:16

You're entitled to your opinion. You weren't rude about your sc, you didn't call them names etc. tbh I'm sure your dh has said worse about his dc, but because they are your sc, you can be seen to be saying anything negative.

Of course it's normal and natural that you treat them differently to your own dc, most people do. But different doesn't mean abuse or neglect, it's just different.

As for the snooping, it's not great but if I saw my dc name in a group chat I might be inclined to look, or I'd certainly as about it.

Tandora · 08/09/2024 23:16

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:07

Oh come off it. You again are making it personal to the children which my original message absolutely was not. I did not say the children themselves were so unlovable that only a saint could love THEM. You absolutely know that.

I was saying step parents, in general, to any stepchildren, not just "Nigel and Jessica personally", are saints if they can love like their own.

I at no point implied or said that "Nigel and Jessica" we so hideous that only their birth mother or a saint could love them. Give over.

Show quote history

You again are making it personal to the children which my original message absolutely was not

How on earth do you expect such a think not to sound personal? What if your step kids saw it?

I’d be very upset if I saw my partner casually slagging off my children in a WhatsApp group chat, and comparing them to his biological child.

Original poster
PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:16

ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:15

There’s only a whisker of a difference.

Show quote history

There is a huge gulf of a difference and you know it.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 23:15

Well, that’s bizarre, your kids behave in the same way and you find one more annoying than the other?

I didn't say that.

ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:15

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:10

That's not what I said for goodness sake.

Show quote history

There’s only a whisker of a difference.

Original poster
PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:15

ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:12

“It” refers to how Step-parenting those two kids in particular isn’t easy. You were not talking about step parenting in a general way because in the same breath, you brought the children into it by name.

Show quote history

Clearly that is what you have chosen to believe I wrote but no. That isn't what I said.

The only reason I mentioned the children's names was precisely to say they are good children.

The children being good doesn't mean step parenting is all sunshine though in general there are aspects of it that aren't easy that have absolutely nothing to do with the children themselves.

But stop completely rewording what I said.

OP posts:
ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:14

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 23:11

How would you feel if your husband texted a mate and said “Banality is not easy. It would take a Saint to put up with Banality’s shit, because I certainly can’t” ?

She didn't say the kids aren't easy.

That’s how I read:
“X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy.”

she is saying step-parenting X and Y specifically is not easy.

GivingitToGod · 08/09/2024 23:14

Hi OP, I can see why your husband is upset. U posted that u find it hard to understand that anyone can love their SC like their own and u feel different when SC leave a mess compared to your own. Even if u felt that, u shouldn't have shared those messages with your friends. After all, u are talking about your husband's children ( and teenagers bring unique challenges). If your child was a SC and step parent had made similar comments about your child, I'm sure u would be very hurt. In reality, there are times when it's hard to love your own children, emotions are complex.
The contents of your messages should never have been shared in a group.
Whether your husband should have chosen to read those messages is another matter

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 23:13

And if my DP had said that about my DC I would honestly think 'yeah, fair'.

If DP said it about me in a moment of annoyance I'd think it was fair too. I've certainly moaned about him to my mates!

Psychologymam · 08/09/2024 23:12

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 19:51

He said it was because he saw a message pop up on my screen that said the children's names.

My friend did message to ask how I got on with X & Y (their names), so that could well be the case but still I don't think it's an excuse.

I responded after that message with the above as in my OP and then later on he wanted to see what it had been about so read them.

Apparently he's worried for a while that I treat our DC together better and this cements it. Again from my POV I disagree, our DC are young, DSC are teens. No point comparing imo. Their needs are entirely different.

Show quote history

That’s probably the elephant in the room - that he feels some of his children aren’t treated equally. He shouldn’t have looked at your phone. Its obviously not a surprise to him that you don’t love them/they grate on you if he already had questions around this but I imagine it’s hard to hear someone you love doesn’t love your children in the same way. I don’t think you will ever love them in the way he may want you to and I don’t think it’s something you should have to aspire to but it sounds like a bigger conversation around equitable treatment (and privacy!!) is needed. He probably may also want you to not discuss his kids with others - I would feel pretty protective of them in that scenario!

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