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AIBU?

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To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

793 replies

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 19:44

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

OP posts:
ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:35

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 23:32

@ToBeDetermined Maybe you just aren't in that sort of very close friends group chats. Class mums chat - no; besties who are like my family and know everything - yes.

Oh, I have close friends and we have group chats.
I’m just not in a toxic friendship group where nothing is private and people are backstabbed on the regular.

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:34

ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:33

Tbf, I think the problem is you being overly offensive in what you say about his kids and then accusing him of being overly defensive of his kids.

The only a Saint could love them like their own, I certainly couldn’t was particularly offensive. Implies they are far from good kids.

Are we doing this again? I didn't say only a saint could love them. Please just stop.

OP posts:
PearlSeal · 08/09/2024 23:34

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:31

It also tends to be wildly exaggerated - I wouldn’t be surprised if rumours start with ‘OP hates x and y’ , that’s why I’d never write anything like that in a group chat!!

Well thats a bit extreme 😅

Teanbiscuits33 · 08/09/2024 23:34

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:25

No... as I've said already there are loads of aspects of step parenting that can still be hard even if the kids are good kids. Why wouldn't there be? Do you think the only potential issues involved is whether or not the kids are nice?

I've already discussed a big one here already, the fact my husband is imo overly defensive of things they do or what I say.

No, but if you have issues with how your DH disciplines the kids to the point it’s affecting you enough to vent on a group chat (which I think is your right to have an outlet) then perhaps you should have a chat with your DH? He shouldn’t have read your messages, but now that he has I can see why it would offend him even if he doesn’t expect you to love them the same. I have a step parent, we always got on so well and I’d be really upset if I read something like that, as I’m sure would my bio parents.

Tandora · 08/09/2024 23:33

PearlSeal · 08/09/2024 23:30

Oh come on she was hardly slagging off. She admitted that her step children are good kids but that its just not easy.

It’s the comparison element. she said they were difficult and more annoying because they are step kids.

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:33

Tandora · 08/09/2024 23:28

i agree the difference in wording matters . One is worse.
But what you said is still personal and still hurtful.

What do you think your step children would have thought if they saw the messages?

It's not just worse, it's entirely different. That's why it's so frustrating. There's a huge huge difference in saying what I said in my OP and saying "Nigel and Rebecca are so awful only a saint could love them" you can't just write that here and then act as though it's only minimally different to what I said. It's completely different to the point of being irrelevant.

I don't know how they'd feel, but they dont know about it.

I'm sure they likely feel the same way I.e. don't love me like their mother. They probably find some parts of having a step parent hard.

OP posts:
HauntedbyMagpies · 08/09/2024 23:33

Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 19:51

There is no way you can love them as your own as you didn’t give birth to them. If anything him thinking that undermines the bond they share with their own mother in my view but I digress.

You’re doing great if you get on with them, and there is nothing awful about what you said, you’re entitled to those feelings.

YNBU and your husband is an arse for reading your messages.

Nonsense! My Goddaughter was raised by a man who very much loved her as his own and treated her identically to how he treated his own. Millions of stepparents do.

banality101 · 08/09/2024 23:33

@Lizzie67384 every message you have written on this thread has been ridiculously dramatic to the point of hysteria.

ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:33

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:25

No... as I've said already there are loads of aspects of step parenting that can still be hard even if the kids are good kids. Why wouldn't there be? Do you think the only potential issues involved is whether or not the kids are nice?

I've already discussed a big one here already, the fact my husband is imo overly defensive of things they do or what I say.

Tbf, I think the problem is you being overly offensive in what you say about his kids and then accusing him of being overly defensive of his kids.

The only a Saint could love them like their own, I certainly couldn’t was particularly offensive. Implies they are far from good kids.

HauntedbyMagpies · 08/09/2024 23:32

Sorry but I'm with your DH. If I'd married someone who said they couldn't love my DD like their own then I'd genuinely divorce them immediately. I wouldn't hate or resent them for it but I would only marry someone who did love her as his own. That's the benchmark for me. The thought of marrying someone who didn't and openly admitted they couldn't do, is frankly chilling to me..

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 23:32

@ToBeDetermined Maybe you just aren't in that sort of very close friends group chats. Class mums chat - no; besties who are like my family and know everything - yes.

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:31

FlyGuy · 08/09/2024 23:26

Sadly that's true. And if someone involved is a little bit famous, then there's gossiping on websites too.

It also tends to be wildly exaggerated - I wouldn’t be surprised if rumours start with ‘OP hates x and y’ , that’s why I’d never write anything like that in a group chat!!

PearlSeal · 08/09/2024 23:30

Oh come on she was hardly slagging off. She admitted that her step children are good kids but that its just not easy.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 08/09/2024 23:30

You are absolutely entitled to love your DSC as a STEPMOTHER, and not a mother.

They have come into your life fully formed. They probably don't see you as their mother.

ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:28

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 23:22

Gossiping on a group chat is wrong.

Gossiping on a group chat to your friends is normal. Thank god I have one to gossip with as it saves my sanity and improves my life ten-fold.

Slagging off specific children on a group chat is not normal, it is toxic.

Tandora · 08/09/2024 23:28

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:26

I fundamentally disagree with you that the difference in those two wordings "doesn't matter".

We'll just have to agree to disagree.

i agree the difference in wording matters . One is worse.
But what you said is still personal and still hurtful.

What do you think your step children would have thought if they saw the messages?

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:26

Tandora · 08/09/2024 23:25

It doesn’t matter. They are stjll people and what you said is still personal

I fundamentally disagree with you that the difference in those two wordings "doesn't matter".

We'll just have to agree to disagree.

OP posts:
FlyGuy · 08/09/2024 23:26

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:24

Oh you’d be surprised - I hear all sorts of random things being discussed at the school gates, people love a gossip!

Sadly that's true. And if someone involved is a little bit famous, then there's gossiping on websites too.

SleepPrettyDarling · 08/09/2024 23:26

DinosaurMunch · 08/09/2024 19:56

I don't think you're wrong to feel that way, or to discuss with friends in private, but I don't think I'd ever put that in writing in a group chat. It was bound to be hurtful if either your husband or the stepchildren saw it. For goodness sake keep your messages private and your screen locked as a minimum, if you are going to write this kind of thing.

Also there are people who love non biological children as their own - adopted or those born via donor eggs etc, "even" step children too in many cases. It's a pretty stupid thing to say to be honest

I couldn’t agree with this more. A private chat with a friend is one thing. Committing it in text to a group chat is something else. Talk to a therapist, talk to a close friend or sibling privately. Group chat? Inappropriate and disloyal.

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:25

Teanbiscuits33 · 08/09/2024 23:18

But if you found the kids easy to deal with, you would also find step parenting them easy, would you not? The fact you find step parenting difficult says you find it difficult because of the children?

No one expects a step parent to love the children as deeply as their own kids, but it does read as if you’d prefer them not to be there. It just does, whether you meant it to sound that way or not.

No... as I've said already there are loads of aspects of step parenting that can still be hard even if the kids are good kids. Why wouldn't there be? Do you think the only potential issues involved is whether or not the kids are nice?

I've already discussed a big one here already, the fact my husband is imo overly defensive of things they do or what I say.

OP posts:
Tandora · 08/09/2024 23:25

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:21

I was not saying the children themselves are personally so unlovable that only a saint could love them as PP was implying and you and other posters absolutely know that.

And there is a huge difference between saying that ^ and saying you can't love stepchildren like your own

It doesn’t matter. They are stjll people and what you said is still personal

PearlSeal · 08/09/2024 23:25

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:22

I highly doubt it was that stimulating that they will be informing everyone they know that I said I find step parenting hard and don't love them as my own.

Take no notice. You are well within your rights to discuss your thoughts and feelings with your friends.

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:24

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:22

I highly doubt it was that stimulating that they will be informing everyone they know that I said I find step parenting hard and don't love them as my own.

Oh you’d be surprised - I hear all sorts of random things being discussed at the school gates, people love a gossip!

FlyGuy · 08/09/2024 23:23

I think "It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy." is a perfectly reasonable statement. Of course step-parenting is hard, anyone who says otherwise is just showing off, lying or not giving it a good crack and not doing much. Hell, parenting without the step part isn't easy either.

The hurtful bit imo is the next sentence you added OP of "I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't". It's the 'I certainly couldn't' that would hurt me to read if I was your husband. There's a difference between saying 'I don't' and 'certainly couldn't'. The second is a bit provocative. But I can understand why you don't and can see both your and your DH's point of view here.

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 23:22

Gossiping on a group chat is wrong.

Gossiping on a group chat to your friends is normal. Thank god I have one to gossip with as it saves my sanity and improves my life ten-fold.

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