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AIBU?

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To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

793 replies

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 19:44

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:45

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:44

No I'm not. And leaked to who anyway? There are 3 people not inc me in this chat all very close friends but from completely different towns (childhood friends).

Who are all these people they are supposedly going to tell to the point it reaches the ears of my stepchildren they met once at our wedding 7 years ago.

No I'm not worried about it being "leaked".

Well you didn’t specify who the group chat was with, if it was with, for example, parents of children in the same town/same age, it could quite easily get back to the SC or their mother

Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 23:44

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:44

Also adoptive parents…

This has been covered…extensively.

Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 23:44

HauntedbyMagpies · 08/09/2024 23:43

@Usercyzabc I'm not talking about maternal bonds! I'm responding to your comment about how nobody can ever love a StepDC like their own because they didn't give birth to them! Well plenty of Stepdads do!

Ok!

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:44

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:40

Are you worried about it being leaked out of the group chat?

No I'm not. And leaked to who anyway? There are 3 people not inc me in this chat all very close friends but from completely different towns (childhood friends).

Who are all these people they are supposedly going to tell to the point it reaches the ears of my stepchildren they met once at our wedding 7 years ago.

No I'm not worried about it being "leaked".

OP posts:
Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:44

HauntedbyMagpies · 08/09/2024 23:43

@Usercyzabc I'm not talking about maternal bonds! I'm responding to your comment about how nobody can ever love a StepDC like their own because they didn't give birth to them! Well plenty of Stepdads do!

Also adoptive parents…

HauntedbyMagpies · 08/09/2024 23:43

@Usercyzabc I'm not talking about maternal bonds! I'm responding to your comment about how nobody can ever love a StepDC like their own because they didn't give birth to them! Well plenty of Stepdads do!

Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 23:43

ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:42

Ok, Heather

Who is Heather?

Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 23:42

Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 23:40

What does that have to do with maternal bonds?

I’ll add to this, that it seems the OP feels bad enough without trying to make her feel worse because she doesn’t feel the same towards her stepchildren. Nothing untoward in that at all, at least she gives enough of a shit to come on here and ask about it.

ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:42

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 23:37

Oh, I have close friends and we have group chats.
I’m just not in a toxic friendship group where nothing is private and people are backstabbed on the regular.

I'm sorry you feel like you can't talk about things or people that you find tricky with your good friends.

Ok, Heather

Tandora · 08/09/2024 23:42

Survivingnotthriving24 · 08/09/2024 23:37

I think people are being deliberately obtuse. I adore my niece, I would walk through fire for that kid, I take care of her on a regular basis, make meals, take her out to fun places, change nappies and clothes etc. I can say without a shadow of doubt though that I don't love her as much or in the same way as I do my own children, it's just a different love that's not quite as intense. If she's having a difficult day it's harder to manage the tantrums than it is with my own, when she's a tiny tornado ripping apart my house I can have days where I'm just looking forward to her going home.
I imagine it's exactly what being a step parent feels like, I'm responsible for her in that time, I love her, I'll do my best to make sure she has everything she needs but I'll happily wave her off at the end of the day.

Yeh but if you wrote casually in a group chat to friends that you find - say - babysitting your niece difficult and they’re extra annoying when they aren’t your own kid, and anyone who could love their niece like their own would be a saint - if you wrote this and your sibling saw it about their child, how do you think they’d feel about that?

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 23:42

You're twisting what @ToBeDetermined said and faking concern.

Yes it's called tit for tat. Well spotted.

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:40

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:39

I'm not sure how to answer that. I don't know how they'd feel. Maybe they'd be hurt, maybe they wouldn't give a shit, I do not know. But again, they don't know about it and I didn't say it to their face so us speculating about how they'd feel is not really relevant.

Are you worried about it being leaked out of the group chat?

Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 23:40

HauntedbyMagpies · 08/09/2024 23:33

Nonsense! My Goddaughter was raised by a man who very much loved her as his own and treated her identically to how he treated his own. Millions of stepparents do.

What does that have to do with maternal bonds?

FlyGuy · 08/09/2024 23:40

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 23:37

Oh, I have close friends and we have group chats.
I’m just not in a toxic friendship group where nothing is private and people are backstabbed on the regular.

I'm sorry you feel like you can't talk about things or people that you find tricky with your good friends.

You're twisting what @ToBeDetermined said and faking concern.

She also was talking specifically about text group chats. Perhaps she does talk about things or people she finds tricky with her good friends but IN PERSON. Which is an entirely sensible strategy.

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:40

ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:39

You did
I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't"

This^ means that you think the only person who can love them (X and Y) like their own is a saint, ergo only a saint can love them (X and Y) like their own.

I’ll stop now. But only because it seems you unwilling to acknowledge the meaning and power of your words.

As I said I get why your DH is upset. YABVU to minimise this.

Edited

I'm honestly not going over this again.

OP posts:
Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:39

banality101 · 08/09/2024 23:38

I'm not bitter at all. I've already said that I don't expect my DP to love my DC as his own. I think that would be ridiculous, because he isn't his kid. And that's a DP who spends a lot more time with my DC than most step mums do, making it even more difficult for them.

I don’t expect my partner to love my child as much as the child we have together BUT I do expect him to not make it obvious that he loves our younger child more and not to talk about his stepchild in a group chat with his friends

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:39

Tandora · 08/09/2024 23:35

I'm sure they likely feel the same way I.e. don't love me like their mother. They probably find some parts of having a step parent hard.

im sure they would.

But how do you think they would feel if they read those messages about themselves - said casually on a WhatsApp chat to your friends?

Can you put yourself in their shoes?

Edited

I'm not sure how to answer that. I don't know how they'd feel. Maybe they'd be hurt, maybe they wouldn't give a shit, I do not know. But again, they don't know about it and I didn't say it to their face so us speculating about how they'd feel is not really relevant.

OP posts:
ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:39

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:34

Are we doing this again? I didn't say only a saint could love them. Please just stop.

You did
I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't"

This^ means that you think the only person who can love them (X and Y) like their own is a saint, ergo only a saint can love them (X and Y) like their own.

I’ll stop now. But only because it seems you unwilling to acknowledge the meaning and power of your words.

As I said I get why your DH is upset. YABVU to minimise this.

lightand · 08/09/2024 23:39

Personally I think the first message is fair enough.

The second message[I am not in your position], not as much.

banality101 · 08/09/2024 23:38

I'm not bitter at all. I've already said that I don't expect my DP to love my DC as his own. I think that would be ridiculous, because he isn't his kid. And that's a DP who spends a lot more time with my DC than most step mums do, making it even more difficult for them.

Survivingnotthriving24 · 08/09/2024 23:37

I think people are being deliberately obtuse. I adore my niece, I would walk through fire for that kid, I take care of her on a regular basis, make meals, take her out to fun places, change nappies and clothes etc. I can say without a shadow of doubt though that I don't love her as much or in the same way as I do my own children, it's just a different love that's not quite as intense. If she's having a difficult day it's harder to manage the tantrums than it is with my own, when she's a tiny tornado ripping apart my house I can have days where I'm just looking forward to her going home.
I imagine it's exactly what being a step parent feels like, I'm responsible for her in that time, I love her, I'll do my best to make sure she has everything she needs but I'll happily wave her off at the end of the day.

PrimalLass · 08/09/2024 23:37

Oh, I have close friends and we have group chats.
I’m just not in a toxic friendship group where nothing is private and people are backstabbed on the regular.

I'm sorry you feel like you can't talk about things or people that you find tricky with your good friends.

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:36

Teanbiscuits33 · 08/09/2024 23:34

No, but if you have issues with how your DH disciplines the kids to the point it’s affecting you enough to vent on a group chat (which I think is your right to have an outlet) then perhaps you should have a chat with your DH? He shouldn’t have read your messages, but now that he has I can see why it would offend him even if he doesn’t expect you to love them the same. I have a step parent, we always got on so well and I’d be really upset if I read something like that, as I’m sure would my bio parents.

I wasn't actually the one venting. I added two very brief responses to a wider chat about another friend struggling a lot with her teenager SC basically just agreeing it isn't easy. I wasn't ranting and raving about the step kids or how shit it all is. It wasn't even my situation that was being primarily discussed.

OP posts:
Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:35

banality101 · 08/09/2024 23:33

@Lizzie67384 every message you have written on this thread has been ridiculously dramatic to the point of hysteria.

That’s so weird! I was just going to write that every message you’ve written was very cold to the point of bitterness xx

Tandora · 08/09/2024 23:35

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:33

It's not just worse, it's entirely different. That's why it's so frustrating. There's a huge huge difference in saying what I said in my OP and saying "Nigel and Rebecca are so awful only a saint could love them" you can't just write that here and then act as though it's only minimally different to what I said. It's completely different to the point of being irrelevant.

I don't know how they'd feel, but they dont know about it.

I'm sure they likely feel the same way I.e. don't love me like their mother. They probably find some parts of having a step parent hard.

I'm sure they likely feel the same way I.e. don't love me like their mother. They probably find some parts of having a step parent hard.

im sure they would.

But how do you think they would feel if they read those messages about themselves - said casually on a WhatsApp chat to your friends?

Can you put yourself in their shoes?