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AIBU?

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To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

793 replies

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 19:44

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

OP posts:
ManchesterLu · 09/09/2024 00:01

Being a step mother is HARD. I should know. You can care for children, enjoy their company, get on with them perfectly well, but STILL not feel like they're your own. And yes, the annoying things that kids do definitely gets more annoying when you don't have that maternal love to balance it out. It's just life, and the reality of many people's situations. Also, I assume these children have GOT a mother. It's important you care about them and welcome them into your home, but they don't want or need another mother!

But I can also see your DH's side, and wouldn't liked to have read the messages - even though I think they're perfectly reasonable.

FlyGuy · 09/09/2024 00:01

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:58

I can understand why someone who isn't and never has been a step parent may not be able to understand / get their heads round the dynamics.

I, as a step parent, can understand why it's not strangers in my house, but if I'd literally never experienced any aspect of it, I can see why you'd think it might be strange/not be able to picture it.

I've defended up to now but you're talking the piss by defending your friend here. Is she thick? Most people would know that your husband's children are hardly 'random strangers' and that calling them 'random' is dismissive. Even if she was just being flippant, she was being a dick with that.

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 00:00

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:59

You’re absolutely right, I can not understand how a stepmother could liken their stepchildren to ‘random strangers in the house’

Yes. Which I did not.

OP posts:
Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 00:00

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:59

You’re absolutely right, I can not understand how a stepmother could liken their stepchildren to ‘random strangers in the house’

OP didn’t say that…

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:59

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:58

I can understand why someone who isn't and never has been a step parent may not be able to understand / get their heads round the dynamics.

I, as a step parent, can understand why it's not strangers in my house, but if I'd literally never experienced any aspect of it, I can see why you'd think it might be strange/not be able to picture it.

You’re absolutely right, I can not understand how a stepmother could liken their stepchildren to ‘random strangers in the house’

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:58

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:56

Not really, I’m just not naive enough to think everything you say is always kept private, it sounds like quite a toxic chat anyway given your friend referred to stepchildren as ‘random strangers in the house’ 😃😃😃

Edited

I can understand why someone who isn't and never has been a step parent may not be able to understand / get their heads round the dynamics.

I, as a step parent, can understand why it's not strangers in my house, but if I'd literally never experienced any aspect of it, I can see why you'd think it might be strange/not be able to picture it.

OP posts:
ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:58

phoenixrosehere · 08/09/2024 23:48

I didn’t read it that way.

I read it as the OP speaking about stepparents who can love their stepchildren, the same as their own children.

OP knows what they meant, you saying they meant otherwise is your own issue.

So if someone says something offensive, but didn’t intend or realise they were being offensive, it’s all the listeners issue?

FlyGuy · 08/09/2024 23:57

Yeah, I'd definitely have pulled up the friend on the random strangers in the house part.

Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 23:56

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:53

But I didn’t say that it’s impossible to love a child that you haven’t birthed as much as child you have birthed - I wouldnt EXPECT my partner to love his stepchild as much as his bio child but by no means do I think it’s impossible - adoptive parents do it, grandparents who raise children as their own do it, stepparents do it etc etc

I didn't say you did, what are you doing?

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:56

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:54

Right... and I'm saying no I don't and have never worried about my friends "leaking" what I say to them. Not very good friends if that's what you have to consider anytime you say something to them. Especially something as brief as this.

Not really, I’m just not naive enough to think everything you say is always kept private, it sounds like quite a toxic chat anyway given your friend referred to stepchildren as ‘random strangers in the house’ 😃😃😃

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:54

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:48

That’s great? But the thread is about what you said in a group chat about your step children…

Right... and I'm saying no I don't and have never worried about my friends "leaking" what I say to them. Not very good friends if that's what you have to consider anytime you say something to them. Especially something as brief as this.

OP posts:
Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:53

Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 23:51

You yourself say this : I don’t expect my partner to love my child as much as the child we have together BUT I do expect him to not make it obvious that he loves our younger child more and not to talk about his stepchild in a group chat with his friends

Can’t have it all ways, and don’t misquote me either please

But I didn’t say that it’s impossible to love a child that you haven’t birthed as much as child you have birthed - I wouldnt EXPECT my partner to love his stepchild as much as his bio child but by no means do I think it’s impossible - adoptive parents do it, grandparents who raise children as their own do it, stepparents do it etc etc

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:53

ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:49

I hope you don’t stonewall your DH like this.

I'm just sick of you completely twisting what was said. There is zero point rehashing it. You're insistent that I am calling the children unlovable. I, and practically everyone else here, can see that I did not.

There is literally no point in keeping up the back and forth when you are insistent on misquoting me so badly.

OP posts:
PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:51

Tandora · 08/09/2024 23:46

It is relevant, because if you can see how it could be hurtful to them you can surely see how it could be hurtful to your husband.
It was a type of betrayal - boundary cross if you like - and he saw it. You should be more careful.

I have already said that I have apologised to H that he was hurt by the comments.

I don't think that is the same as saying I should never have said them in the first place because I feel it's honest AND a private conversation he had no right to read in the first place.

I am sorry he's hurt, I'm not sorry that I spoke privately to friends about a situation that does affect my life (and incredibly briefly at that).

OP posts:
Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 23:51

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:46

Well your comment said you can’t love children as much if you didn’t give birth to them, which is obviously quite offensive to quite a lot of people!

You yourself say this : I don’t expect my partner to love my child as much as the child we have together BUT I do expect him to not make it obvious that he loves our younger child more and not to talk about his stepchild in a group chat with his friends

Can’t have it all ways, and don’t misquote me either please

PearlSeal · 08/09/2024 23:49

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:40

Are you worried about it being leaked out of the group chat?

Why would you say that? OP has done nothing wrong in supporting her friend over a group chat and sharing her thoughts and opinions on a subject that she can relate to. Yes this means her husband is upset, but why snoop through her phone? Im sorry you don’t seem to have any experience of trustworthy friends you can share things with

ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:49

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:40

I'm honestly not going over this again.

I hope you don’t stonewall your DH like this.

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:48

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:47

There are plenty of things I tell close friends, much more exciting than this whole thing, I don't spend the time panicking they are going to tell everyone they come across.

That’s great? But the thread is about what you said in a group chat about your step children…

Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 23:48

@Lizzie67384 Are you sure that’s what I said?

FlyGuy · 08/09/2024 23:48

Comedycook · 08/09/2024 19:50

This post sounds familiar... wasn't there one like this yesterday or am I imagining it?

Do you know what happened to that other post?

phoenixrosehere · 08/09/2024 23:48

ToBeDetermined · 08/09/2024 23:39

You did
I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't"

This^ means that you think the only person who can love them (X and Y) like their own is a saint, ergo only a saint can love them (X and Y) like their own.

I’ll stop now. But only because it seems you unwilling to acknowledge the meaning and power of your words.

As I said I get why your DH is upset. YABVU to minimise this.

Edited

I didn’t read it that way.

I read it as the OP speaking about stepparents who can love their stepchildren, the same as their own children.

OP knows what they meant, you saying they meant otherwise is your own issue.

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:47

Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:45

Well you didn’t specify who the group chat was with, if it was with, for example, parents of children in the same town/same age, it could quite easily get back to the SC or their mother

There are plenty of things I tell close friends, much more exciting than this whole thing, I don't spend the time panicking they are going to tell everyone they come across.

OP posts:
Lizzie67384 · 08/09/2024 23:46

Usercyzabc · 08/09/2024 23:44

This has been covered…extensively.

Well your comment said you can’t love children as much if you didn’t give birth to them, which is obviously quite offensive to quite a lot of people!

Tandora · 08/09/2024 23:46

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:39

I'm not sure how to answer that. I don't know how they'd feel. Maybe they'd be hurt, maybe they wouldn't give a shit, I do not know. But again, they don't know about it and I didn't say it to their face so us speculating about how they'd feel is not really relevant.

It is relevant, because if you can see how it could be hurtful to them you can surely see how it could be hurtful to your husband.
It was a type of betrayal - boundary cross if you like - and he saw it. You should be more careful.

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:46

Alas I'm not famous either so highly unlikely to reach the cover of OK magazine.

OP posts:
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