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AIBU?

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To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

793 replies

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 19:44

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 00:19

FlyGuy · 09/09/2024 00:18

Er, they're a close friend, of course people care what their close friends think Hmm

And the OP clearly cares what strangers think otherwise she wouldn't have started this AIBU.

OP cares that’s she’s upset her DH which is why she’s here, not about the shitty opinion of her friend.

ToBeDetermined · 09/09/2024 00:18

Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 00:16

True, but it’s not her responsibility to police the opinions of others, who cares what they think

Disagreement between equals is not policing. Policing requires apparent authority.

Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 00:18

ToBeDetermined · 09/09/2024 00:17

She has control in how she responds.

See above

FlyGuy · 09/09/2024 00:18

Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 00:16

True, but it’s not her responsibility to police the opinions of others, who cares what they think

Er, they're a close friend, of course people care what their close friends think Hmm

And the OP clearly cares what strangers think otherwise she wouldn't have started this AIBU.

ToBeDetermined · 09/09/2024 00:17

Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 00:11

It may be a surprise to you but OP has no control over what other people write

She has control in how she responds.

Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 00:16

FlyGuy · 09/09/2024 00:14

The OP has has control over what she does in response to what other people write though, which is one of the reasons why her DH is upset (and it's the only part of it where I agree with him).

True, but it’s not her responsibility to police the opinions of others, who cares what they think

FlyGuy · 09/09/2024 00:14

Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 00:11

It may be a surprise to you but OP has no control over what other people write

The OP has has control over what she does in response to what other people write though, which is one of the reasons why her DH is upset (and it's the only part of it where I agree with him).

Lizzie67384 · 09/09/2024 00:14

Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 00:11

It may be a surprise to you but OP has no control over what other people write

Oh my gosh!! I am VERY surprised by that, you learn something new every day!!

Tumbleweed101 · 09/09/2024 00:14

I can understand why he, as their parent, might feel upset by those comments. I imagine you want a new partner to care for your children as much as you do. However, I never wanted to be a step parent or have a step parent for my own children because it is emotionally complicated and it will be a divide because someone's children are always more important than anyone else in their lives (or should be).

Lizzie67384 · 09/09/2024 00:13

PearlSeal · 09/09/2024 00:11

Then why mention it?

Because OP brought it up in a comment and I suggested that the group chat sounded toxic - which I stand by, I can’t imagine any of my close friends saying a comment like that in a group chat.

FlyGuy · 09/09/2024 00:13

PearlSeal · 09/09/2024 00:09

Thats hardly OP’s fault that her friend wished to take that view….

But it is the OP's decision (I don't think fault is the right word) to not pick her close friend up on talking so dismissively about people the OP cares about. The friend was rude and thoughtless, and clearly thought her friends wouldn't mind. And as no one said anything to her, she was probably justified in thinking it wasn't problematic for her to say it.

Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 00:11

Lizzie67384 · 09/09/2024 00:07

Oh yes, you’re quite right, I think it’s normal to refer to your stepchildren as ‘random strangers in the house’, as OP’s friend did

It may be a surprise to you but OP has no control over what other people write

PearlSeal · 09/09/2024 00:11

Lizzie67384 · 09/09/2024 00:10

I’m not suggesting it is?

Then why mention it?

PrimalLass · 09/09/2024 00:10

Flowery57 · 09/09/2024 00:09

I think it is wrong to discuss your step children and your (mostly negative) feelings towards them on a WhatsApp chat with others who may know them. This is not a private conversation by any means. Imagine if the children read the messages or heard the content through another member of the WhatsApp group? I think you have been over sharing.

They don’t know them. RTFT.

Lizzie67384 · 09/09/2024 00:10

PearlSeal · 09/09/2024 00:09

Thats hardly OP’s fault that her friend wished to take that view….

I’m not suggesting it is?

PearlSeal · 09/09/2024 00:09

Lizzie67384 · 09/09/2024 00:07

Oh yes, you’re quite right, I think it’s normal to refer to your stepchildren as ‘random strangers in the house’, as OP’s friend did

Thats hardly OP’s fault that her friend wished to take that view….

Flowery57 · 09/09/2024 00:09

I think it is wrong to discuss your step children and your (mostly negative) feelings towards them on a WhatsApp chat with others who may know them. This is not a private conversation by any means. Imagine if the children read the messages or heard the content through another member of the WhatsApp group? I think you have been over sharing.

ToBeDetermined · 09/09/2024 00:09

99%? 🥹
Oh dear, and that is based on what? Adding the YABU votes to the YANBU votes, with a minus 1% for little old me?

Lizzie67384 · 09/09/2024 00:07

PearlSeal · 09/09/2024 00:03

@PointToItOnThePage I would really take no notice of @Lizzie67384. Seems to make it her life mission to make people feel as bad as they possibly can about a situation 🙄

Oh yes, you’re quite right, I think it’s normal to refer to your stepchildren as ‘random strangers in the house’, as OP’s friend did

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 00:06

And yet 99% of PPs did not think that's what it was saying.

Again. I was not saying only a saint could love "Nigel and Rebecca".

You can keep "explaining" it to me if you like but I didn't say that.

OP posts:
ToBeDetermined · 09/09/2024 00:04

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:53

I'm just sick of you completely twisting what was said. There is zero point rehashing it. You're insistent that I am calling the children unlovable. I, and practically everyone else here, can see that I did not.

There is literally no point in keeping up the back and forth when you are insistent on misquoting me so badly.

I’ve cut and pasted what you said and then explained how you come across.

Tandora · 09/09/2024 00:03

PointToItOnThePage · 08/09/2024 23:51

I have already said that I have apologised to H that he was hurt by the comments.

I don't think that is the same as saying I should never have said them in the first place because I feel it's honest AND a private conversation he had no right to read in the first place.

I am sorry he's hurt, I'm not sorry that I spoke privately to friends about a situation that does affect my life (and incredibly briefly at that).

I agree he didn’t have the right to read the messages- that was an invasion of your privacy. But if he saw his kids names, I can understand why he did, and lo and behold you were saying something hurtful about them.

I agree that you should be able to share your private and honest thoughts with close friends.

However in your AIBU you seemed to be suggesting that your husband was being unreasonable and over dramatic for being upset? I don’t think that’s fair. What you said was hurtful - to him, and could have been very hurtful to the kids if they had seen it and damaging to your relationships.

It may take some time for him to process and rationalise this, so maybe just give it a bit of breathing space.

PearlSeal · 09/09/2024 00:03

@PointToItOnThePage I would really take no notice of @Lizzie67384. Seems to make it her life mission to make people feel as bad as they possibly can about a situation 🙄

Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 00:02

Lizzie67384 · 09/09/2024 00:01

The friend did - in the group chat

Yes, I’ve rtft

Lizzie67384 · 09/09/2024 00:01

Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 00:00

OP didn’t say that…

The friend did - in the group chat

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