To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

@PointToItOnThePage I totally get you - don't understand why so many posters are insisting on misinterpreting what you said and flaming you for their misunderstanding, even after you've explained what you meant.

Your DH shouldn't have read your messages and shouldn't be so sensitive about your comments, especially given all the effort and attention you clearly give his DC at the expense of yourself and no doubt your own DC sometimes.
Would he have intruded on your personal conversation if he'd seen your own DC names? I bet he wouldn't - and why? Because he feels more protective over your SDC? Well that's not fair is it?
And would he be all wounded if you'd expressed annoyance/fatigue/whatever about your own DC? Probably not!
Because you're allowed to moan about your own DC but not your SDC?
It's always difficult raising SDC where you have some responsibility but not all, trying to assert your own parenting priorities without treading on the mums toes or confuse the poor SDC. You'll probably feel more protective over your own DC sometimes, and more protective over your SDC at other times.
My DC have the luxury of living full time with both parents, while my SDC has to manage 2 houses with 2 parenting styles- how difficult must that be growing up so I am extra attentive in lots of ways that my own DC don't need. In the other hand DC has been volatile and disruptive over the years and I've had to focus on my DC and let my husband and DC mother manage things, being on standby as needed by any of them.

You sound like you're doing a brilliant job and your DH should be grateful and just let you vent a tiny bit to your friends. Over the years your relationship with your SDC will evolve and as long as you keep doing what you're doing and be a steady influence then they'll all appreciate you. My relationship with SDC has always been like yours including through the most difficult teen years (often calming down my DH when he's been itching to kick off at SDC) and now SDC has come out the other side in all honesty it's now stronger than ever. I couldn't be more proud of the young man he's grown into- he's more stable and content with life than my DH now which for maybe 6/7/8 years did not look like it would ever be the case but having 3 parents including one more objective less emotionally charged one has probably benefited him.
So yes you're right you don't have the same love as your own DC but they probably love you differently to their own DPs too - it's not to say you don't love them and your role in their lives will still be hugely important.
DH needs to get real and appreciate what you do for them and for him and for his XW and just say thankyou, keep doing what you do!

I’m with him.

Listening and texting are two entirely different things and this was a private group chat between OP and her friends.

He shouldn't be reading his wife's private conversations.

I’m not surprised seeing that in writing gets a reaction from the DSC’s father. It must be hard to convince yourself that you’re a good dad when you only see your DC every other weekend. When you realise you’ve set up home with someone who finds your DC’s mere presence annoying it must be impossible to maintain the delusion.

So you’re saying that everyone has to agree with the OP, essentially?

Could you quote the comment in which you think I’ve been ‘unkind’?

Yes ive called you out for being unkind, ive not accused the poor OP of anything other than being human.

Well likewise - you’ve been accusatory in your comments!

Maybe im just fed up if seeing so many people jumping on OP’s threads to be unkind instead of just kindly giving their opinion then leaving it. You can give opinions without the accusatory tone you know.

And I think you’re being deliberately one sided, so guess we’re even 🤷‍♀️

The random strangers comment doesn’t even make sense - it’s not like you’d move into a house with a man, having never met his children before, now that would be toxic!

@ALLABOUTTHEWORDS makes a good point

i have no idea how someone with no step-children/ children would view the situation, but i do think you are being deliberately awkward to the OP

Step-parenting and parenting are both hard. Fact. So you're supposed to not even have a safe, private space with your friends to vent about that and any other stuff you have going on? It's just like talking about your own kids, they all drive you up the wall at some point. I'd go bloody mad if my private chat (and lifeline!) was snooped on.

ESH

He shouldn’t have read your messages.

You shouldn’t have talked about his children like that.

On balance, I think you are the more unreasonable one as you’re talking about kids.

Oh come on you can’t be serious! You think someone could compare a partner’s children to ‘random strangers in the house’ (and yes I think that comment is toxic)

If OP’s friend had no experience of children/step-children and being a step parent then no she probably would not understand that having step children is not the same as having random strangers walking about the house.

Making the general assumption that her friends group is “toxic” for one , where the probability that they are just a normal group of hard working women with life experiences with every right to ask each other for advice and opinions.

Can you quote which points you didn’t think were ‘kind’ and ‘human’ ?

Out of interest, did you think the friend’s comments were kind and human?

Difference in opinion, yes. There are ways of articulating differences of opinions though in a kind and human way, not this.

LOL

A good chunk of people here are absolutely off the charts insane. @PointToItOnThePage did nothing wrong. But Mumsnet has to go full throttle delulu whenever step parents appear. 🤪

But you did though.

You were referring to his kids.

If he was talking to his mates about how annoying having a partner is would you think he was generalising?

If he was a single man that would be fine sure but if not then he is aiming it at you. You said you understood the difficulties directly and twice. If I could have kids I certainly wouldn't take to anyone saying anything negative about them.
And I wouldn't have them slating them and hiding behind a generalisation which could only be aimed at my my kids.

See it from his perspective, if you're ever in the same room with him and these friends. How would you feel?

Surely if you post in a topic called ‘am I being unreasonable’ and literally ask people if they agree with you or not, you should expect some difference of opinion?!

And its still no excuse to some of the shitty replies she has had here. We are all human.

That’s spoken with a level head - not in an adrenaline-packed, panic-fuelled situation where the main concerns are fire, death and safety. And ensuring your offspring survives.

In an objective, ideal world scenario yours is obviously the right one - but human instinct isn’t always as altruistic.

A conversation with her friends is a safe space.