To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

By stating that there are different types of love, I’m ’banging on’, and agreeing that adopted children can be loved, cherished and nurtured, yet the maternal bonds with a ‘bio’ child are different. If it wasn’t the case, OP and other step parents, which is the actual context, would have no issue loving their step children as their own.

This is obviously triggering, so best to leave it at that.

@Lizzie67384 comprehension skills are fine. However you keep banging on about the same things and pushing your own views! And then arguing with those who don’t agree. Not everyone has to agree with you, and pushing your point like you have on here isn’t particularly helpful. Are you the OP in disguise?

Still this, it’s a totally different bonding experience, why deny that reality. Doesn’t mean there is no love obviously, but it’s a different type of love for those you literally share DNA with, or in the mothers case, the person has literally come out of your own body. It’s not being cruel or offensive to say this, it’s nature.

So, could you point out to us what you are actually trying to say?

This is just such harmful rubbish. Maybe this is how the world works for you, but it’s not the same for everyone. Some people don’t put the same importance on DNA or “coming out of your body”.

Surely you wouldn't know that though, as a fact, that you can’t love an adoptive child as much as a bio child? Unless you’ve adopted and also had your own child? You’re just asserting your own as if they are fact

Still this, it’s a totally different bonding experience, why deny that reality. Doesn’t mean there is no love obviously, but it’s a different type of love for those you literally share DNA with, or in the mothers case, the person has literally come out of your own body. It’s not being cruel or offensive to say this, it’s nature.

Doesn’t take away from the love adoptive parents have for their children either, as to state the obvious there are different ways of loving.

The point was that the DSC did not know, not the DH

Her husband knows what was said anyway about his children, so threatening the “lets hope they dont read munsnet” is not called for. Making the OP feel deliberately uneasy for having feelings that are completely valid as if shes done something absolutely awful.

Your point?
OP is quite comfortable in her assertion that the DSC won't find out that she doesn't love them like her own. However, given her DH could access the phone, what's to say theMN account isn't available to be read?

Oh come off it really??

Let's hope they don't read MN

Have you thought about how upsetting your comment might be for people who have been adopted?

I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

Speechless. I thought Cinderella was a fairy tale until I came onto MN and realised how awful people are about DSC. Indeed, MN should remove the 'D' from the list of abbreviations, because I have rarely seen a positive comment about step-kids.

Ok, your DH shouldn't read your private messages, but don't you think he may be gutted to know what you think of his kids? Or did you tell him that you couldn't love them like your own before you got together ?

I sincerely hope that all those who really do not love their step-children stop and think - What if anything happened to me and my children were suddenly the step-children of someone else? What if that woman had the same attitude to my kids as I have towards my DSC?

Oh and I love my DSS. But not like he was my child, because he ISN'T my child - he has a mum and dad who love him very much, and he's also got me who loves him too. As long as there is love, does it matter?

Agree with this. My DP and I each have a child - my DD lives with us, his DS lives with his mum. Both very close in age, early teens. My relationship with his DS is a little different to his with DD - because we live together he naturally has a bit more of a parental role, whereas I don't with DSS. Additionally my DD hasn't got her father in her life - she has never met him, and DSS has a mum and doesn't have that gap. We all have a really good relationship, the kids get along really well and we don't have any issues at all. It can be a real minefield I think but we have always listened to the kids and checked each step that they are happy. If we do for one we do for the other and we keep things equal and make sure they both feel an integral part of our family, as I'm always aware as DSS doesn't live with us he could feel left out. We try our best and it seems to be working!

It was the comparison that was hurtful. She wasn’t just moaning about her step kids , she was comparing them negatively to her own.

I honestly think it’s outrageous that people are saying the husband is wrong for feeling upset. The messages were upsetting. Husband is alowed his feelings as much as OP is allowed hers. If he’d read her messages moaning about him he’d probably feel the same! Yes he shouldn’t have read her messages - so OP can be cross about that, but he did read them and they were very hurtful!

OP, I really hope you are not taking the typical MN kicking to heart.

You were not wrong.
Your husband is disgusting to go looking at your private messages.

How controlling and creepy.
How happy are you in your relationship with him?
It is a huge red flag that he did this.
Perhaps if you weren't doing so much for HIS children you wouldn't feel this way.

That's the point. You are allowed the full range of human emotion about your own kids but get told off if you express frustration to your mates about step kids, who you care for without decision making ability or autonomy. Of course step kids are harder if you are involved with them because you are living with the consequences of someone elses' decisions ( around school choice, homework policy, screen time, what social media they should have, bedtimes, food, extra curriculars, sleepovers) - it isn't that the child is intrinsically annoying more that if you as a parent make a choice you regret it feels different to if the parent makes a choice and you as the step have to live with it.

Indeed

Teenage untidiness that they could well clear up after themselves or DH do it. OP obviously does alot for her DSC and husband here.

someone who finds your DC’s mere presence annoying it must be impossible to maintain the delusion.

By mere presence you mean teenage untidiness

Do you want to resolve the issue with your DH or do you want to be right? Your messages make it sound like the latter. You both have a perspective on this.

Your DH is worried you treat the children differently (to the point where he’d read your phone messages when he sees their names which is obviously not ok). But his concern (whether real or not) is quite serious and damaging for your relationship so you need to engage with it.

He needs to acknowledge that he has violated your privacy and also that your experience as a step parent is very different to his experience as parent to all his biological children.

You need to consider how those messages might have been upsetting for him to realise that’s how you felt about his children, possibly he had expectations that you would form deeper bonds than you have. No he shouldn’t have read them but the cat is out of the bag now and needs dealing with.

You haven’t said anything that isn’t true or fair or normal. But it must still be really hard to hear someone say that about their kids. It must feel like a gut punch. But then, you are entitled to a private conversation with friends and he has massively overstepped by reading it.

Thinking about it this morning, I think it's about the tone. Presumably he read the whole conversation, not just your comments, and it was obviously a pretty nasty chat if someone called stepchildren "random strangers in the house" and no one pulled them up on it.

You could have made your point differently, empathising which your friend but sticking up for your DSC. You could have said "it is hard at times. Obviously I'm not a parent to X and Y, and you do of course feel differently about your own. But they're really good kids and part of our family. DH and his kids are a package deal, obviously! We have our bumps in the road but it's been well worth it for me". Or something else more positive. Your messages read as if you tolerate your DSC, and imply you don't get anything positive out of your relationship with them. That would be so hard for a parent to read.