Page 11 | To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

PointToItOnThePage · 2024-09-08T18:44:58+00:00

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends. The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc... My response to the general conversation was: 'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't". And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere: "It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure". The above were my only responses during this conversation. I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime. I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible. WIBU?

Tandora · 09/09/2024 10:19

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:13

I don't know what else to say because I'm not sorry about what was said in the sense that I'm not going to lie and say "oh it was all rubbish, of course I love them like my own". I said what I said and, whether the messages could have been worded better, I do feel that way so surely it would just be false and unhelpful to apologise for that.

I am sorry he was hurt by them, and also that the messages came across to him harsher than I intended them. I don't want him to be hurt no, and I am sorry he was. But I can't act like I didn't mean it. It's there, I said it and I do feel that way.

Edit to add this is in response to MumOf2

Edited

I think to add to things you could offer that you will try to avoid making these kinds of comparisons in the future (in terms of your “love” etc) as they are not helpful/ potentially hurtful? For example, of course if you put a gun to my head and asked me if I love my own children more than my nieces then of course I do, but I don’t spend my time comparing and thinking about that, because it just feels icky and unnecessary? I love my niece, I love my kids, the relationships are different but if they needed me I’d do anything for any of them.
it sounds like your own kids are younger than your step kids? Teenagers are their whole own kettle of fish anyway and being step kids is obviously a factor too. Maybe just think of it as “different” rather than one being “more” or “less” of various negative and positive things? Maybe you could put it like this to your DH to smooth it over?

Original poster

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:18

Tandora · 09/09/2024 10:09

I do totally agree with you about this.

But I guess it’s sort of the same thing in a way as slagging off your partner to other people. Most of us try to protect that relationship to some extent , even when we have really negative or unflattering thoughts or feelings about them, because to talk shit about our partner can feel like a betrayal/ boundary cross/ violation of the loyalty we owe to each other. So I can see why your husband is hurt and angry that you wouldn’t extend that same loyalty to his children, than to write things so bluntly and casually like that in a group WhatsApp chat. On the other hand you did have a reasonable expectation of privacy so I can see it both sides.

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I do get that. But people moan about their partners all the time. It may not be ideal but there are hundreds and hundreds of threads on here alone that people probably wouldn't want their other half reading through. People do it all the time (moan about partners, kids, MILs etc.. ) with the expectation that is private and not going to be viewed by the person being discussed.

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Original poster

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:16

And I'm not saying it's all his fault for snooping, but I do think that is a violation and is something he also should he apologising for and that I do have a right to be angry about.

The messages being hurtful doesn't negate what he did by going through my phone.

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Original poster

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:13

I don't know what else to say because I'm not sorry about what was said in the sense that I'm not going to lie and say "oh it was all rubbish, of course I love them like my own". I said what I said and, whether the messages could have been worded better, I do feel that way so surely it would just be false and unhelpful to apologise for that.

I am sorry he was hurt by them, and also that the messages came across to him harsher than I intended them. I don't want him to be hurt no, and I am sorry he was. But I can't act like I didn't mean it. It's there, I said it and I do feel that way.

Edit to add this is in response to MumOf2

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Original poster

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:10

*He has been unhappy with how you treat his DC *

I think the problem I have with this is that he never really explains why or how i "obviously show I care more about my own DC". He never has an answer. And I do feel a lot of it is just separated dad guilt and defensiveness of DSC if I ever complain about anything.

I cannot treat children the same when I am not allowed to treat them the same. I've said previously in the thread he is far more defensive of DSC than he ever would be about our children. I understand that's because he is worried about my feelings toward them, i imagine a lot of parents worry about that when their partner is a step parent and then that leads to him becoming defensive when I try to have an opinion on things but it does make it very difficult to treat / care for them the same way when you're made to feel that actually that's not what he wants, he just wants me to never complain / have an opinion on anything unless it's positive. It's a very hard balance which is why I expressed that step parenting in general is not easy.

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Tandora · 09/09/2024 10:09

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:01

I think this whole "you have no right to discuss X Y Z with your friends" is bullshit tbh.

You can disagree with the wording or the tone of the messages and we can agree that it may be hurtful for DH to read but I absolutely should have a right to discuss something that is a huge part of my life with people close to me.

I do totally agree with you about this.

But I guess it’s sort of the same thing in a way as slagging off your partner to other people. Most of us try to protect that relationship to some extent , even when we have really negative or unflattering thoughts or feelings about them, because to talk shit about our partner can feel like a betrayal/ boundary cross/ violation of the loyalty we owe to each other. So I can see why your husband is hurt and angry that you wouldn’t extend that same loyalty to his children, than to write things so bluntly and casually like that in a group WhatsApp chat. On the other hand you did have a reasonable expectation of privacy so I can see it both sides.

Mumof2namechange · 09/09/2024 10:07

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:04

I have apologised, as I've said multiple times. He has not.

And the post quoted above was in response to someone literally asking me the question of whether I told DH or not that I couldn't love his children like my own. It's not misunderstanding or banging on to answer a question directed at you?

"I'm sorry you were hurt but it's your fault for snooping and I stand by what I said" is a politician's apology isn't it? You're not sorry are you, and dh knows it

Original poster

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:06

Your DH also has the right to feel how he wants about that - and to be upset at seeing you talk about his children like that (and as per many PPs, the whole tone of the conversation was clearly negative). He has been unhappy with how you treat his DC, and now he's read in black and white how you feel about them

And I have apologised that he was hurt by the messages. But I am also angry that he read them in the first place. I don't think one negates the other.

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Original poster

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:04

I have apologised, as I've said multiple times. He has not.

And the post quoted above was in response to someone literally asking me the question of whether I told DH or not that I couldn't love his children like my own. It's not misunderstanding or banging on to answer a question directed at you?

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BarbaraHoward · 09/09/2024 10:04

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:01

I think this whole "you have no right to discuss X Y Z with your friends" is bullshit tbh.

You can disagree with the wording or the tone of the messages and we can agree that it may be hurtful for DH to read but I absolutely should have a right to discuss something that is a huge part of my life with people close to me.

You absolutely, absolutely, absolutely have the right to say whatever you want in conversation with your friends.

Your DH also has the right to feel how he wants about that - and to be upset at seeing you talk about his children like that (and as per many PPs, the whole tone of the conversation was clearly negative). He has been unhappy with how you treat his DC, and now he's read in black and white how you feel about them.

It's not about right and wrong. He shouldn't have looked at your messages but he can't unsee it now and you haven't written anything nice about them.

Mumof2namechange · 09/09/2024 10:04

It's not just uniquely a stepmum thing. I'd be similarly aghast if I somehow found out, say, my mum or my MIL or a friend or a teacher was bitching scathingly about my kids on a group chat.

You were bitchy about the kids op. Just own it and apologise, job done, end of drama.

He was also very out of order for snooping and should apologise. But that doesn't negate how bitchy you were

Mumof2namechange · 09/09/2024 10:01

PP asked if I ever told DH before we married that I couldn't love his children like my own. No, he never asked me to and I have always treated them well so it's never come up. I wouldn't lie to him, now having children of my own and say I do love them the same, because I don't.

Op, I think you're really misunderstanding why your dh is upset.

He doesn't expect you to love his children like your own. That would be an unreasonable expectation.

He expects/wishes you not to bitch about them, by name, scathingly ("would need to be a saint" etc), on a group chat. That is a reasonable expectation. No one would be pleased to find out their kids are being bitched about scathingly on a group chat.

If you apologise for that, and he apologises for snooping, you'll both be grand.

No need to keep banging on about how it's impossible to love them as your own. Everyone, including your dh, already knows. It's not the point. It's not why he's angry, and it's not why 35% of us are saying YABU.

Original poster

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:01

I think this whole "you have no right to discuss X Y Z with your friends" is bullshit tbh.

You can disagree with the wording or the tone of the messages and we can agree that it may be hurtful for DH to read but I absolutely should have a right to discuss something that is a huge part of my life with people close to me.

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Original poster

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 09:57

Ethylred · 09/09/2024 09:53

Why the hell couldn't you keep your feelings to yourself? In your husband's position I would feel deeply betrayed. And then you minimize what you have done by claiming to try to be a good step parent.

Because I was talking privately with friends, not to his face. Have you never discussed private feelings with friends or do you keep everything to yourself?

If I'd said it to him then I would agree with the whole why didn't you just keep it to yourself. But I should be entitled to a space to speak freely with friends about my own feelings.

And I do try to be a good step parent, two brief messages privately sent to friends does not give you a full picture.

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Ethylred · 09/09/2024 09:53

Why the hell couldn't you keep your feelings to yourself? In your husband's position I would feel deeply betrayed. And then you minimize what you have done by claiming to try to be a good step parent.

HighBuddha · 09/09/2024 09:53

Isn’t it a bit cruel to expect you to love his children the same as your own, when they surely don’t have the same level of love for you as they do their biological mother? Not to say they don’t love you, and you them, but I feel you need a bit of emotional distance as otherwise it would be hurtful to be second-best to their mother, if you felt the love of a biological mother for them? And isn’t that completely normal and natural? I don’t think your husband is seeing things from your perspective at all. It’s really unreasonable of him.

harriethoyle · 09/09/2024 09:51

Imagine @PointToItOnThePage if you’d posted on here “my dsc don’t love me like they love their mother”. You would have had your arse handed to you on a plate and understandably so. The role of a SM is totally different to a DM. The relationship is totally different. The love is totally different. Anyone berating you for that honestly, mildly expressed view, is projecting their own issues and bitterness.

Tandora · 09/09/2024 09:48

Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 09:46

I have already said this is triggering for some, yet you want to keep pushing it.

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You asked a question and I answered it 🥴

Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 09:46

Tandora · 09/09/2024 09:41

The part where you universalise your own particular beliefs or experiences of the world in a way that is hurtful to others.

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I have already said this is triggering for some, yet you want to keep pushing it.

Tandora · 09/09/2024 09:41

Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 09:35

Which part don’t you understand?

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The part where you universalise your own particular beliefs or experiences of the world in a way that is hurtful to others.

Original poster

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 09:41

Morning,

I don't want to get into the whole adoption vs step children debate. I don't think it's helpful. I do think there are huge very obvious differences between adoption and step parenting but again, I dont think this is the place for it.

Me saying I couldn't love DSC like my own isn't even solely to do with biology although im sure no one can deny it plays its part. But there are all sorts of reasons why you would form stronger bonds and connections with a child who is completely yours (and I don't just mean biologically) and a child that is not and has their own very involved mother who they live with the majority of the week and who you met when they were already heading to secondary school.

PP asked if I ever told DH before we married that I couldn't love his children like my own. No, he never asked me to and I have always treated them well so it's never come up. I wouldn't lie to him, now having children of my own and say I do love them the same, because I don't. It's entirely different and I think most step parents get that. He's never asked me and I've never felt it needed spelling out because I consider it to be pretty normal. He is obviously viewing it as a parent to them all with that same love for all of them so it's hard for him to see it from my POV, and it's hard for me to see it from his when we don't share the same circumstances. It's tough.

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Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 09:38

PickleJelly · 09/09/2024 09:35

I think your husband was so wrong to read your messages. You are entitled to privacy and allowed to offload about anything in your life.

I don't think anything you wrote is wrong. I am not a step-parent but my DH is to my child. We try to be open about frustrations etc. I understand that he loves my child but it's not the same as our biological child together. The key thing here is that the children are not treated any differently. He adores them both, loves them both, cares for them both, however the type of love is understandably different. I think it's wrong for someone to expect it to be the same. As long as children are loved, adored and nurtured in the same way, then why does the type of love matter?

I think maybe you could have worded it slightly differently without the saint comment. I can understand why that might have stung to read. But he shouldn't have read it, so it's irrelevant really.

I also think you should give yourself some credit. You say you don't think you are a bad step parent, but I think if you are doing as I have said above, then I think you are saint. It takes a special type of person to be a good step parent. I am awe of my husband every day for being such a great parent, step parent and partner.
Your DH should be giving you the credit you deserve, it's a big job, with huge frustrations.

Well said.

Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 09:37

Lemonadelime · 09/09/2024 09:29

@Lizzie67384 comprehension skills are fine. However you keep banging on about the same things and pushing your own views! And then arguing with those who don’t agree. Not everyone has to agree with you, and pushing your point like you have on here isn’t particularly helpful. Are you the OP in disguise?

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Read that back to yourself, ‘not everyone has to agree with you’.

Usercyzabc · 09/09/2024 09:35

Lizzie67384 · 09/09/2024 09:29

Still this, it’s a totally different bonding experience, why deny that reality. Doesn’t mean there is no love obviously, but it’s a different type of love for those you literally share DNA with, or in the mothers case, the person has literally come out of your own body. It’s not being cruel or offensive to say this, it’s nature.

So, could you point out to us what you are actually trying to say?

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Which part don’t you understand?

PickleJelly · 09/09/2024 09:35

I think your husband was so wrong to read your messages. You are entitled to privacy and allowed to offload about anything in your life.

I don't think anything you wrote is wrong. I am not a step-parent but my DH is to my child. We try to be open about frustrations etc. I understand that he loves my child but it's not the same as our biological child together. The key thing here is that the children are not treated any differently. He adores them both, loves them both, cares for them both, however the type of love is understandably different. I think it's wrong for someone to expect it to be the same. As long as children are loved, adored and nurtured in the same way, then why does the type of love matter?

I think maybe you could have worded it slightly differently without the saint comment. I can understand why that might have stung to read. But he shouldn't have read it, so it's irrelevant really.

I also think you should give yourself some credit. You say you don't think you are a bad step parent, but I think if you are doing as I have said above, then I think you are saint. It takes a special type of person to be a good step parent. I am awe of my husband every day for being such a great parent, step parent and partner.
Your DH should be giving you the credit you deserve, it's a big job, with huge frustrations.