Page 10 | To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

PointToItOnThePage · 2024-09-08T18:44:58+00:00

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends. The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc... My response to the general conversation was: 'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't". And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere: "It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure". The above were my only responses during this conversation. I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime. I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible. WIBU?

PrimalLass · 09/09/2024 14:40

What a bellend to read someone's private messages and to have ridiculous expectations.

Tandora · 09/09/2024 14:35

Sceptical123 · 09/09/2024 14:25

He is obviously viewing it as a parent to them all with that same love for all of them so it's hard for him to see it from my POV,

I think this says it all. He expects you to view them the same way he does just bc you’re his wife. Wtf? What a bellend. Is he capable of understanding that ppl are individuals with their own unique set of circumstances which affect how they view the world? Sounds like an idiot not to be able to understand this. Or at least accept it. WHY would you view them the same? Sounds like bordering on the controlling.

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What a bellend

what a bellend to be hurt on behalf of his children. My god, mumsnet and step parenting. Beggars belief.

Sartre · 09/09/2024 14:35

Gosh. Difficult one because he obviously shouldn’t be reading your messages and I’m unsure why he did really. It isn’t as though he suspected you were cheating so looked through messages to another man, he’s decided to read through a chat with your friends which is odd behaviour.

I can see why he’s upset at your remarks though, especially with regards to deeming stepparents who actually love their stepchildren ‘saints’. I don’t think it’s difficult to love a child who isn’t biologically yours. You’re not related to your friends or partner but are very much capable of loving them so you could love your stepchildren if you chose to.

PrimalLass · 09/09/2024 14:29

No one would be pleased to find out their kids are being bitched about scathingly on a group chat.

They weren't exactly being bitched about, and if DP was talking about our kids in the same way I wouldn't care. Sometimes they are annoying and it's fine to say that.

Sceptical123 · 09/09/2024 14:25

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 09:41

Morning,

I don't want to get into the whole adoption vs step children debate. I don't think it's helpful. I do think there are huge very obvious differences between adoption and step parenting but again, I dont think this is the place for it.

Me saying I couldn't love DSC like my own isn't even solely to do with biology although im sure no one can deny it plays its part. But there are all sorts of reasons why you would form stronger bonds and connections with a child who is completely yours (and I don't just mean biologically) and a child that is not and has their own very involved mother who they live with the majority of the week and who you met when they were already heading to secondary school.

PP asked if I ever told DH before we married that I couldn't love his children like my own. No, he never asked me to and I have always treated them well so it's never come up. I wouldn't lie to him, now having children of my own and say I do love them the same, because I don't. It's entirely different and I think most step parents get that. He's never asked me and I've never felt it needed spelling out because I consider it to be pretty normal. He is obviously viewing it as a parent to them all with that same love for all of them so it's hard for him to see it from my POV, and it's hard for me to see it from his when we don't share the same circumstances. It's tough.

He is obviously viewing it as a parent to them all with that same love for all of them so it's hard for him to see it from my POV,

I think this says it all. He expects you to view them the same way he does just bc you’re his wife. Wtf? What a bellend. Is he capable of understanding that ppl are individuals with their own unique set of circumstances which affect how they view the world? Sounds like an idiot not to be able to understand this. Or at least accept it. WHY would you view them the same? Sounds like bordering on the controlling.

talawalawoo · 09/09/2024 12:24

*mirror

talawalawoo · 09/09/2024 12:24

FlyGuy · 08/09/2024 23:57

Yeah, I'd definitely have pulled up the friend on the random strangers in the house part.

Agree with this, why would you let that slide?

I don't really see the point of the thread, seems OP just wants an echo chamber to motto her views and not seem to take any of the other perspectives onboard.

Didimum · 09/09/2024 11:03

I don’t think he should have read your messages, as you’re entitled to your own space where you can speak freely.

I think he likely does know your feelings are valid deep down, but that doesn’t mean it’s not still hurtful to read.

He should take responsibility for that hurt, being the one that invaded your private conversation.

Marmiteontoastgirlie · 09/09/2024 11:01

OP reading some people’s interpretation of your message and your defence of it demonstrates that it could definitely be misunderstood as worse than you intended, especially in the context of others bitching about step children and especially if the reader (in this case your DH) is already primed to be worried about you not loving their kids.

I think the best approach forward is to expand on your apology a bit beyond a “I’m sorry if that hurt you” and perhaps offer some more reassurance along the lines of, “sorry it was typed out quickly and I can see how that could come across harsher than I intended. I love X & Y and enjoy being a great stepparent to them, but my love for them isn’t exactly the same” and perhaps a bit of “sorry it was harsh and only negative but I didn’t want to invalidate / annoy friends in the chat by saying positive things as that wasn’t what venting friend needed in that moment, but this doesn’t mean the majority of my feelings towards X & Y aren’t positive and loving - those two messages don’t encapsulate the full breadth of my feelings for them”.

Basically I think you might need to acknowledge the hurt and worry a bit and do some reassuring/context explaining.

I also wouldn’t get particularly worked up about him reading the message - I think making up for your messages trumps any anger you should be feeling around a “privacy breach” which is a pretty abstract/on principle issue vs the actual hurt/betrayal he will be feeling.

Rewis · 09/09/2024 10:57

Has your husband actually said which part he is upset about?

Tandora · 09/09/2024 10:52

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:49

I do agree. I often feel like he just doesn't get it because all the children are his and I'm sure that works both ways. It's hard to find a balance when neither of you are in the same situation and you both have different expectations based on your POV.

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He probably gets it “rationally” but emotionally it’s just too hard for him to accept, so he doesn’t want to hear/ think about it.

Tandora · 09/09/2024 10:51

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:47

Yes it does make sense from a privacy/security POV.

I guess I mean more that some PPs seem to imply that it's fine to talk face to face about this but not in a chat. And I don't really see the difference (aside from a security thing), whether he read the messages or eavesdropped an in person conversation surely doesn't make any difference.

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I think the two are sort of linked. So it might feel a little bit more hurtful that you felt comfortable enough to commit that to writing- where is permanent - iyswim. Otherwise it could just be something you said in the moment without thinking. But I agree he would have been upset if he heard you say it as well.

Original poster

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:49

Cinai2 · 09/09/2024 10:35

OP, I think this is a situation where you both just have to draw a line under it and move on. This is something where people without children or step children will never fully understand the other side, and vice versa. The replies in this thread seem to confirm this. I don’t think you’re unreasonable but your husband isn’t either.

I do agree. I often feel like he just doesn't get it because all the children are his and I'm sure that works both ways. It's hard to find a balance when neither of you are in the same situation and you both have different expectations based on your POV.

OP posts:

Original poster

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:47

Tandora · 09/09/2024 10:37

Things we write down are more permanent, so it’s a good principle to be more careful about them. It’s also harder to control who might access them. In general people , I think, are more careful about the words that they choose to commit “to paper”/ in writing , compared to what they might say spontaneously in person- which after all is gone , and easily forgotten, the very next second.

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Yes it does make sense from a privacy/security POV.

I guess I mean more that some PPs seem to imply that it's fine to talk face to face about this but not in a chat. And I don't really see the difference (aside from a security thing), whether he read the messages or eavesdropped an in person conversation surely doesn't make any difference.

OP posts:

Lizzie67384 · 09/09/2024 10:39

Tandora · 09/09/2024 10:37

Things we write down are more permanent, so it’s a good principle to be more careful about them. It’s also harder to control who might access them. In general people , I think, are more careful about the words that they choose to commit “to paper”/ in writing , compared to what they might say spontaneously in person- which after all is gone , and easily forgotten, the very next second.

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Yes,I remember once at work, my colleague asked me to help her with something, I sat down at the desk and her phone lit up in front of me - it was another colleague texting something really mean about a 3rd colleague of ours, I have my phone settings so you can’t read notification, you can only see the name

Tandora · 09/09/2024 10:37

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:28

Yes we all discuss or should do, our feelings but you wrote them down and he saw what you wrote

Does it make a difference? If I'd said it in person to my mum and he'd eavesdropped instead would that have been okay? Is it purely because it's written word that it's not okay to discuss? I'm not being argumentative with that, I'm curious because a few people have said now that it's fine to discuss in person with someone but not on text.

Things we write down are more permanent, so it’s a good principle to be more careful about them. It’s also harder to control who might access them. In general people , I think, are more careful about the words that they choose to commit “to paper”/ in writing , compared to what they might say spontaneously in person- which after all is gone , and easily forgotten, the very next second.

Cinai2 · 09/09/2024 10:35

OP, I think this is a situation where you both just have to draw a line under it and move on. This is something where people without children or step children will never fully understand the other side, and vice versa. The replies in this thread seem to confirm this. I don’t think you’re unreasonable but your husband isn’t either.

Mumof2namechange · 09/09/2024 10:34

"I'm sorry you were hurt but I stand by what I said" is really worse than no apology at all.

Do you actually want to patch this up with dh or are you doing a slow run up to breaking up with him?

Mumof2namechange · 09/09/2024 10:30

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:13

I don't know what else to say because I'm not sorry about what was said in the sense that I'm not going to lie and say "oh it was all rubbish, of course I love them like my own". I said what I said and, whether the messages could have been worded better, I do feel that way so surely it would just be false and unhelpful to apologise for that.

I am sorry he was hurt by them, and also that the messages came across to him harsher than I intended them. I don't want him to be hurt no, and I am sorry he was. But I can't act like I didn't mean it. It's there, I said it and I do feel that way.

Edit to add this is in response to MumOf2

Edited

No one needs you to love them like your own. You don't need to say that you do.

A better, and I think true, apology would be "sorry I shouldn't have bitched about them on a group chat. I get that my tone was pretty awful, I got carried away because everyone was saying bitchy things and I joined in, and I regret my choice of words". I think, reading your posts on this thread, you do feel this to some extent.

You can then demand a strong apology from dh about not snooping. And (as pp said) tighten up your phone privacy settings. The main one is preventing notifications appearing on the lock screen

Original poster

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:28

Yes we all discuss or should do, our feelings but you wrote them down and he saw what you wrote

Does it make a difference? If I'd said it in person to my mum and he'd eavesdropped instead would that have been okay? Is it purely because it's written word that it's not okay to discuss? I'm not being argumentative with that, I'm curious because a few people have said now that it's fine to discuss in person with someone but not on text.

OP posts:

Original poster

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 10:24

but i sure as fuck don't want to hear, let alone read it

Then don't read through his private messages? Sure he could just make sure he never discusses anything remotely negative with people close to him in case you go looking but by the same token, no one should be looking through private conversations either. I guess it just feels a bit half of this, half the other.

so obviously his kids aren't too bad

They aren't bad at all, which is what I said. But I still stand by the fact that step parenting is not easy regardless as to whether the kids are lovely.

OP posts:

Tandora · 09/09/2024 10:24

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 09/09/2024 10:23

You could ask this question of anyone who's commented on just about any subject from weightloss to conception.

We can't sanitize every reply to cover every possibility I'm afraid.

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Yeh but what she said is also rubbish.

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 09/09/2024 10:23

Goingncforthisone · 09/09/2024 08:46

Have you thought about how upsetting your comment might be for people who have been adopted?

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You could ask this question of anyone who's commented on just about any subject from weightloss to conception.

We can't sanitize every reply to cover every possibility I'm afraid.

Tandora · 09/09/2024 10:22

candycrush02 · 09/09/2024 10:20

Yes we all discuss or should do, our feelings but you wrote them down and he saw what you wrote.

I know my partner doesn't love my DD like i do, i wouldn't expect that but i sure as fuck don't want to hear, let alone read it.

Step parenting is f ing hard work.

I learnt a long time ago, never write down anything you wouldn't say to someones face & he needs to learn not to snoop.

Fwiw I think you need to reassure, you re still with him, so obviously his kids aren't too bad.

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I learnt a long time ago, never write down anything you wouldn't say to someones face & he needs to learn not to snoop

I second this!

candycrush02 · 09/09/2024 10:20

PointToItOnThePage · 09/09/2024 09:57

Because I was talking privately with friends, not to his face. Have you never discussed private feelings with friends or do you keep everything to yourself?

If I'd said it to him then I would agree with the whole why didn't you just keep it to yourself. But I should be entitled to a space to speak freely with friends about my own feelings.

And I do try to be a good step parent, two brief messages privately sent to friends does not give you a full picture.

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Yes we all discuss or should do, our feelings but you wrote them down and he saw what you wrote.

I know my partner doesn't love my DD like i do, i wouldn't expect that but i sure as fuck don't want to hear, let alone read it.

Step parenting is f ing hard work.

I learnt a long time ago, never write down anything you wouldn't say to someones face & he needs to learn not to snoop.

Fwiw I think you need to reassure, you re still with him, so obviously his kids aren't too bad.