To feel hurt about not being invited to party

I live in a village and from fairly early on joined in like you did OP. I’ve been here 13 years and I still don’t always get invited to stuff and it really depends who is having the get together. Some people on the committee I am on or my direct neighbours might invite me but friendly guy I speak to all the time with his dog or a neighbour four doors down might not. People have occasionally talked freely about so and so’s party in front of me that nobody thought to mention to me. It’s definitely normal I think. It doesn’t mean you aren’t part of the community or valued. Also as time goes by you will feel even more so as you are making the effort.

I have over 70 people in my immediate family ( parents, great aunts/uncles, aunts, uncles, cousins, children , grandchildren, siblings). My partner has around 30/40, and we're in our late 40's, most of them live within 30 miles of us and we see them regularly. We would find it very easy to get to 150 with just family and very close friends.

Sorry - I totally misread your post!! Bedtime for me

Which is why I asked how many live in the village. If there's 153 living there and 150 were invited then yes, you would feel shit. Chances are it's family and friends gathered along the way over the last 80 years so joining clubs and institutes wouldn't mean an invite.

There's a family on the road behind us, they moved in when she was pregnant with their first child, her second child has gone into year 13 this year and they are still referred to as the new family who live in Derek's place (name changed and Derek died, they bought his house)

Calm down. I know there are certain posters here that smell blood when an OP shows any sign of vulnerability, but settle down.

But the village doesn’t exist under a glass dome. I assume there were friends and family travelling from far and wide to attend such a landmark party.

OP is being a little over sensitive

But she could also throw a Christmas party and invite everyone in the village - then she might get some obligation invites.

I sympathise, OP. When women, in particular, move to a village they do all the things they believe will make them part of "the community" and it's dissapointing when you feel left out. Men don't seem as bothered to connect.

People may pass the time of day but generally adults aren't looking to make new friends and they don't give a second thought to whether anyone might be feeling a bit adrift.

Despite being a bit bruised by it, I'd keep doing what you're doing but also start asking a few couples over for a dinner party. It might be the start of some closer connections? Also, gives OP the opportunity to "interview" a few potential friends. Meamwhile, stay connected to other friends/family - even if it's just by phone/socials.
Good luck, OP!

I think it also depends on the size of the village. If there are 153 people living there, including you and DH and 150 invited to his party, I could see what you're miffed.

However, it could also be one of those villages where you move in, live there for 40 years and still be considered a blow in!

You said yourself it hard to male friends so maybe he doesn't consider you a friend so didn't invite you? It's nothing to be offended by, some people just aren't on the market for more new friends.

All of these rules around village incomers just sounds like an excuse to allow some people to be unkind and exclusionary simply because their great grandparents are buried in the local cemetery.

I don’t think the OP is unreasonable to feel hurt.

I think the main issue here is around having to get used to the fact that, in a village, if someone hires the village hall for a private party, everyone else in the village will know that it's happening and will know they're not invited. It stings a bit, but it's part of village life.

Whereas usually, in a town or city, you'd have no idea if some acquaintance from your quiz night is having a big party as they're not doing it right under your nose.

OP, it's quite likely that the man and his family ended up feeling pressured into inviting people from the village that he wouldn't have invited by choice, e.g. whoever holds the keys to the hall, the people who invited him to their birthday at the hall or helped him when he had a fall a few years ago, and so on.

That's a number easily reached by 80 if he has even a moderately large family. Say 3 children, their children's children, his siblings, nieces nephews plus their children etc. That's before adding long term friends, ex workmates.....

If my mum has an 80th party with just her siblings, their children and families and me and my siblings and families would be around 85 people.
If she adds her surviving cousins and family which I know she would, then she'd be at over 100.
The next people would be her school/uni friends that she's kept up with and she'd be around 115-120 invitees now.

The next set would probably be her tennis friends (and spouses) that she's known for 40 years and still plays with regularly. We're up to around 135-140 now.

Next 10 would be the group she's socialised regularly for the last 50 years. They're the mums (and husbands) who met when in hospital 50 years ago all having their first babies.

I think the last 5 would probably come from the committee she's been on for the last 30 years on and off. There's around 5 that have regularly served too over that time, and she wouldn't invite all the committee, just the ones she gets on well Nd socialised with outside the committee.

So you can see how someone can fill all 50 spaces with people who they socialise with regularly and have done for 30+ years. That wouldn't mean that she resented/didn't like the newcomer up the road, simply that they wouldn't be regarded in the top 150.
Hope that helps you realise that it isn't personal.

You've posted around 5 or 6 times because that poster said OPs opinion was wild. Did it really warrant you repeatedly saying you didn't like what they said. You'd be there forever picking apart each poster that says something that you don't agree with. That's not what AIBU is for.

Yes. You expressed an honest opinion. About something someone else wrote.

i am expressing an honest opinion on what you wrote.

That no one is obliged to meet any standards you that you have decided to try and impose.

It's not unkind or exclusionary to not invite an acquaintance to your party. It's quite normal to only invite actual friends and family, and maybe ex-colleagues or hobby buddies.

Please show me where I tried to police anything? I expressed an “honest opinion” that I felt the initial response was callous and then responded to the OP with my own thoughts on her post.

Reading these responses, I’m quite relieved I’ve never moved to a village. It sounds claustrophobic and isolating all at the same time. I only moved to my new home 2 years ago both sets of neighbours have invited me & my family over to their birthday parties, Christmas drinks, BBQs and other occasions. We’ve done the same. It’s quite a close knit community with people who’ve lived on our street and in the area for decades but they are very friendly.

All of these rules around village incomers just sounds like an excuse to allow some people to be unkind and exclusionary simply because their great grandparents are buried in the local cemetery.

I don’t think the OP is unreasonable to feel hurt.

But no posters here are obliged to post in a way that you feel isn’t rude or that you find acceptable.

If you think someone has been rude, report it.

The decision isn’t yours and trying to police what other people comment, is rude in itself.

Families can be large - especially for older people. 150 people can disappear quickly. Then long standing friends - adult kids of long standing friends, neighbours, neighbour’s kids, old work Colleagues.

OP doesn’t really know this man.

You have no clue if acquaintances are there.

Op is unlikely to know the depth of all his friendships. And it’s quite easy to reach 150.

No one has a right to an invite. And not getting an invite doesn’t mean Op isn’t part of the wider community. This wasn’t an event for those in the community’s it was a private party.

This guy has had 80 years to know 150 people. You’re a brand new friend to him, if that. Do you actually know him and call him a friend? Your OP calls him ‘a chap who lives near us’. I would think it surprising if our 80 year old next door neighbours invited us to a party.

Some people shouldn't really be commenting on an AIBU post if they can't handle someone using the word wild ffs.

No you come on. With 150 attendees it obviously wasn't an intimate party for very close friends and family. I bet quite a few people there fit into the acquaintance bracket and I can totally see why the op found this hurtful

How did that poster belittle anyone, they said it was wild, ok maybe a slight over reaction but an honest opinion on the situation. Isn't that what this site is for?

Thanks for giving your opinion on something I couldn't care less about.

Attempting to belittle someone who is feeling sad and vulnerable is not sharing an honest opinion, it was gratuitous bitchiness to get a reaction. Doubling down with the faux “but I was just being honest” is disingenuous.