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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have booked this holiday without telling ex?

32 replies

lurchersforever · 08/09/2024 18:57

We have been apart around 12 years and they are with me around 80% of the time. Ex has taken them on holiday say 3 times in all that time and only once in the summer holidays. He pays the bare minimum CMS and that stops and starts. I've taken them away every year without fail.

Obviously the dc are both teens now and I'm not sure how many more times they'll come away with me so the three of us said we'd do a 'big' holiday and leave Europe for the first time and have settled on Mexico, which I've booked this afternoon. Dd had made clear all along she wants to do as many weekends in the restaurant she works at as possible to save for uni in the autumn and only wants to be away for 2 Saturdays (they're the best night for tips apparently), which was fine with me and I've booked the 2 weeks.

Younger ds has messaged his dad in excitement to tell him, which has resulted in a shitty text to me about how he was planning to take the dc next year and I shouldn't have booked without asking him first. He had mentioned to ds that he would take them somewhere else as well (both have exams next year so a long summer) and ds told him he'd better ask dd as she didn't want to be away any more weekends.

I'm getting a barrage of texts, but have I done wrong? He doesn't reply to half the texts I send about arrangements and I've long since stopped telling him before I book stuff as he usually doesn't get back to me anyway and it puts me in limbo.

I think I can cancel if I do it within 24 hours but should I? I don't see why he should get what could be the last 'big' holiday with them when he's barely been arsed up to now.

OP posts:
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Whothefuckdoesthat · 08/09/2024 21:38

which has resulted in a shitty text to me about how he was planning to take the dc next year and I shouldn't have booked without asking him first By that logic, he should have checked with you first before making any plans of his own.

But, realistically, you know that this has nothing to do with you taking them on holiday and everything to do with him using it as an excuse to beat you with. The only responses are to either completely ignore and be grateful that the time is rapidly approaching where you never have to speak to him about holidays ever again, or say ‘fantastic! The DC will be over the moon that they’re getting two lovely holidays. I’ll leave it with you to talk to them about dates.’ And then carry on, safe in the knowledge that there is more chance of him inviting you on holiday than there is him taking your DC away anywhere.

Clumsy12345 · 08/09/2024 21:12

I wouldn’t cancel of course but you do technically need his permission if he is on the bc and they are not adults

SauvignonBlonk · 08/09/2024 21:07

He’s feeling inadequate because you’re taking them away on a fantastic holiday and he isn’t, so he needs to try to stop you going.
Have an amazing time in Mexico OP!

fruitbrewhaha · 08/09/2024 20:31

Well he can still take them away if he and they want to go. You’ve not stopped anything. If DD doesn’t want to go with him that’s not on you. If he wants to make plans he needs to check in with the kids, they are old enough to manage their time.

Lemonadeand · 08/09/2024 20:25

It sounds like your DC are very close to the age where you’ll never have to communicate with him about anything again. Hang on in there!

MumblesParty · 08/09/2024 20:23

Call his bluff. Tell your daughter that if she misses more Saturday shifts you’ll give her the money she’s lost, and tell your ex he’s fine to go ahead and book. If he’s as you described him, it won’t happen .

Mumofteenandtween · 08/09/2024 20:15

Imnotjosiegrosieanymore · 08/09/2024 19:55

I'd literally give my dd whatever pay she'd lose on the Saturday night just to force his hand to actually book something.
I bet he's so grateful you've done this so it gets him off the hook but he has to be seen to be annoyed over it.

This is a good idea.

Getonwitit · 08/09/2024 20:09

Do not let him bully you.

stripybobblehat · 08/09/2024 20:08

TinyYellow · 08/09/2024 19:56

Don’t cancel! Tell your ex you assumed he wouldn’t be able to afford a whole week away because of his maintenance arrears.

Nice!

lurchersforever · 08/09/2024 20:05

Thanks everyone - I doubted myself for a minute there but I think you're right. Even ds said he was shocked ex had mentioned taking them as they don't usually go away together. So annoying how he can still get to me at times after all these years! Thank God for MN 😀.

OP posts:
Whydontclothesfitanymore · 08/09/2024 19:58

Have a lovely time in Mexico!

Saintmariesleuth · 08/09/2024 19:57

Do not cancel your trip.

Pay absolutely no mind to your ex having his tantrum.
He is free to speak with the children and make his own plans with them, he doesn't get 'first dibs' on holidays.

Enjoy your trip away, it sounds fantastic

SonicTheHodgeheg · 08/09/2024 19:56

Don’t cancel - he is obviously lying about the holiday that he was planning and will be delighted that you’ve provided an “excuse” not to take them.

TinyYellow · 08/09/2024 19:56

Don’t cancel! Tell your ex you assumed he wouldn’t be able to afford a whole week away because of his maintenance arrears.

Imnotjosiegrosieanymore · 08/09/2024 19:55

I'd literally give my dd whatever pay she'd lose on the Saturday night just to force his hand to actually book something.
I bet he's so grateful you've done this so it gets him off the hook but he has to be seen to be annoyed over it.

Icanflyhigh · 08/09/2024 19:53

Are we sharing an Ex here?

Textbook stuff from him.... you're doing what you promised your children you would do and he's been promising it for longer and it's never happened.
Take the holiday, don't give him another thought - and ignore any shitty messages from him - he's jealous.

If your DC are anything like mine they will make him even more jealous when they share their excitement with him and the tales of the most amazing holiday afterwards.

Clarabell77 · 08/09/2024 19:48

Can’t believe you would even consider cancelling. He sounds like a right knob.

grumpygrape · 08/09/2024 19:47

You discussed it with the youngsters, you fitted with DC's requirements, you and they are happy. End of. 😊

Namenamchange · 08/09/2024 19:44

Don’t worry about it, these ex were always ‘just going to, it wanted to’ but they never do.

just ignore his messages, don’t respond. Nothing stopping him booking something.

DeliciousApples · 08/09/2024 19:39

Typo - I meant : Ages to pay it up

Sweetnessandbite · 08/09/2024 19:38

Don't let him put a dampener on things. Have an amazing time in Mexico. I agree with PP that if you cancel he probably won't book anything anyway. He's just jealous.

DeliciousApples · 08/09/2024 19:38

He's telling porkies just to make you cancel. Ignore.

Or tell him "the kids would love to go with youto America to Universal or Disney (or whatever) so if you want to take them in an amazing holiday, why not take them there?

Or the one in France.
There's no need to be in competition over this. We both want them to have nice holidays.
I've booked. I'm not cancelling. If you book Disney now for then you should get a good discount and she's to pay it up and they will love it"

Or somesuch. He's just being a prick.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 08/09/2024 19:35

He can take them another week and just give your DD the cash that she would have made at work. Sorted!

stripybobblehat · 08/09/2024 19:33

Although it sounds like it would have been pointless you asking him about dates.

What normally happens for the summer?

stripybobblehat · 08/09/2024 19:32

How do you usually plan the summer holiday arrangements? Personally I think you should have said I'm looking to go away is it ok for me to have the kids from x-y dates or w-z dates? But that's because my DH and his ex have a good relationship like that.

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