to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

My just 14yo will happily go to the shop for me but it's not far. His washing up was awful yesterday, actually left food clinging on to oven trays and everything covered in grease needed a rewash. He also walked away leabing sides unwired despite repeated asking. I was not asking a lot. I just cooked a lovely meal. I wanted a hand to clear up.

Also he lay on the floor and screamed like a toddler because we took snap chat off him after he was repeatedly caught messaging his GF after 11pm. He was well warned.

I honestly think they are worse at that age than a toddler!! At least a toddler isn't going to demand a lift to their mates, tell you they will be a couple of hours then message at tea time saying they can't possibly leave their mate alone as he's with a load of girls and his mate would be mortified without back up.

So teens being pains is the norm. Probably need to encourage her to do normal 14yo chores and don't expect her to help with baby.

What are you implying? That she doesn't know where babies come from?
Please tell me you at least taught her that...

I can’t believe what I am reading on this thread, did the OP ask her before she got pregnant, seriously! This is family and everyone has to help. The majority of us are mothers, can we not support each other more? When did children become the rulers?

YANBU OP. It’s no different to my DD complaining about doing the recycling, suck it up buttercup. 🤷‍♀️

You say you've never parented a teenager before. But you've been parenting a teenager for two years at least. And it never struck you, in those two years, that most other teenagers are hanging out in shopping centres at weekends with their friends? Your daughter's inability to function didn't strike you as odd at all? And you say you are a close family, have you been observing her behaviour during the years that she's been a teenager?
Because it's not normal at all. To the extent that your DD doesn't need everyone piling on to say how they were cleaning the oven single handed at the age of three and she should definitely step up. She needs either therapy or very careful handling.

Yes its too much to ask.

If you treated her like a child before the baby and had her do nothing that shouldn't change.

It was your choice to have a baby.

You need to speak to DH to do more.if you need help.

I don't think you should be expecting help with baby care but general chores absolutely she and siblings should be doing.

It maybe seems that you haven't expected them to do much as previously you've being doing most of it? But with a new baby I'm guessing it's obviously harder for you. Your children should have been doing chores before in my opinion, so I don't see an issue with them starting now. It'll take some adjusting for them I imagine. If your DD suffers with anxiety she will need help for that, and perhaps chores that will be more suited for her. Going to the shops might not be ideal for a teenager with anxiety, but household chores fine.

Love this post.

I can see there’s been a huge amount of posts by the OP since I posted giving more detail.

The 14 year old is the eldest in a family of four children. We all know that the eldest ends up having to help out with the younger kids. They don’t like it! They didnt ask to be part of a large family and they didn’t ask to be surrogate parent when the parent is busy. It’s going to come down to personality at the end of the day. At 14 I would have helped out quite happily but obviously the OPs 14 year old isn’t happy to pick up the slack.

The only other thing you could do is make helping out part of the chores that earn her pocket money. If there’s a bribe at the end she’s more like to be compliant.

There's two other kids in between.

Surprised at all the people saying YABU.

YANBU at ALL to expect respect from your daughter. Whatever happened to family helping family out?

Your child, you’re the parent. However, go back 20 years and ask must would have been the norm. It’s how children learnt to parent. Not saying it’s right or wrong though

How old is the baby?

Because there’s a 14 year gap.

@Choochoo21

for goodness sake, OP asked her to pop
to the shop for something! Hardly akin to sending her ip
a chimney. In a few years this girl could be off to uni!

So you didn’t notice she was anxious? And she wasn’t, as you expected trying to get an independent streak. And you didn’t notice until the baby was born?

How have you not sought help for her anxiety yet, or helped her work through things?

It’s ok learning and not doing it with the next 3. But you oldest daughter needs you. She doesn’t need you to learn and support the next 2 better.

If you have never spoke about her feelings regarding the baby, never noticed she has anxiety, never noticed she wasn’t looking to get some independence (as you expected), never gone through normal everyday tasks at a level she understands, then you aren’t as close as you think.

Talking to older children about an incoming baby, it’s an entirely normal conversation. I am really surprised you haven’t had this a couple of times with her, if you are so close.

Not that young that she couldn’t do simple things to help, eg pass items to you. I remember helping with my sibling and I was younger than your DD. I think you’ve identified the problem here.

Start to ask her to do things - not to do with the baby, just normal household things like changing the loo roll, taking clean washing upstairs. Ask your younger children to do age appropriate things too. Model helping as much as possible with a very young baby: show how you identify someone needing help and offer it.

I’d say she also needs to learn a bit more independence too if she can’t/won’t go into a supermarket by herself. Do it in baby steps, but do it soon. She does sound quite immature for her age.

Oh give me a break... If I asked you to weld some piping, drive an HGV or write a press release in Mandarin, do you think you can just magically do it or would you need some support and training.
I could cook my own breakfast since the age of 7 but I still remember messing up a pot of spaghetti at the age of 14 because I never saw it cooked before and I was guilted into doing it by my mother without any instructions. I was then told I deliberately did that because I didn't want to be asked again. It was 30 years ago and it still stings to think about.
You have never parented a teenager before and here you are asking for advice. According to you, your teenage parenting skills would have naturally developed as you got older.

You still need to parent your teenager - it sounds like that's a bit of a shock to you. They need different things from you than a baby or a 6 year old, but she still needs her mum, and she needs a bit of confidence giving to help her to make adjustments towards being a more independent young person. Go with her to the shop, get her to buy the pint of milk with you nearby but not helping unless she needs it. Ask her coaching questions rather than immediately answering any questions she has that you think she can work out for herself. Next time wait further away in the shop. Next time wait outside. Use the "eww breastfeeding" as reason to sit down with her with some educational books about female anatomy and physiology. Conversations around women's rights to breastfeed in public, what happens if we are stopped from doing that, and so on.

It is not like the poster is asking her dd to take care of the newborn. Any contribution to the family household is much appreciated and dc should be willing to help out!! Newborn or not! Geez. My dd is 12 and she has fetched something from the store if we needed it and I was busy. She has helped me emtpy the dishhwasher too when I was tired from doing a million other things in the house. My 4 year old has helped me hang laundry (more bc she wanted to as she likes doing it). Dc can help with tasks around the house. They should do. It is important to teach them responsibility.

Congratulations on the new baby!
I can imagine it must be frustrating the way your daughter is behaving however please take into account that at 14 her brain is not fully developed. She is more than likely feeling out of place, and very jealous at the moment.
Give her time! She’s learning how to be a big sister and to share you
x

And you've never sought help for her obvious anxiety? Come on OP you know staying home alone is a teenagers dream, as would being thrusted money and told to buy a treat for doing a fairly basic and easy favour. I'm shocked you're so blase about her tbh, she's clearly struggling with anxiety or resilience and you're just pissed she wouldn't go to the shop.