to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

i seem to be getting the impression that you're just expecting your 14yo to gain independence by osmosis.

Yes, the anxiety levels are unusual, but what have you done to help her work through them other than ask her to do stuff and then seemingly get annoyed when she says no?

Sure, using the checkout is 'common sense' but have you stood there and talked her through it/shown her, then gradually let her do it by herself bit by bit until you could stand back and her do it while you stand by her side and do it all by herself.. then repeated that until she's confident? Then slowly stood further away while she did it herself?

What have you done to encourage her to go places on her own without you? Even if its just next door to deliver a card? Or a walk to the post box to stick a letter in? Why would you assume just because she is 14 and you have a newborn, that she's suddenly going to develop this amazing independence and be able to help you by doing something she has NEVER done before?

Kids don't just learn stuff without us teaching, anxious kids certainly don't without plenty of input and encouragement to help build their confidence.

I don't think you're a crap parent at all, but you need to learn how to parent a teenager, not just abandon teaching them thinking they can learn it on their own.

I really hope you don’t think I’m piling on and being overly critical. I’m trying to be helpful. It’s not quite the same scenario but my DD was 11 turning 12 when we went into lockdown and you can imagine what that did for the usual arc of them learning independence. I recognised that a lot of those tiny learning milestones had been missed - one of which was going to the local shop, learning to self scan (which is horrible if you get stopped and have to rescan, DD was hysterical the first time that happened to her because she thought she’d accidentally shoplifted and was about to get sent to prison :))

The solution for me was to work the problem - work out what the “missed learning opportunities” were and get her all over those. Including making her self scan with me at her side.

if your DD is 14 remember that she’s missed out on a lot of life learning opportunities because of Covid. She sounds like she’s more anxious than the average 14 year old. So you need to support her in getting past that point even with a new baby. She’s telling you that she loves and still needs to be her mum. Just listen to her.

And congratulations on your new baby :)

YABU she’s a child facing huge upheaval and losing the sole focus of her mum and for some reason you think she is responsible for helping out with the baby? No. That’s your job and baby’s dad’s. If baby’s dad is not able to be around you need to find other support and not expect a child to do adult jobs.

Plenty of families have newborns and teenagers. My brother had the most amazing relationship with his baby sister, born when he was 14.

Teenage years are notoriously difficult times. She is coping with all of the hormones, the life changes and developmental leaps teenagers do…and then there’s the HUGE adjustment of a new baby to your dd’s life on top. She’s still a child. She needs nurturing and still has needs. She isn’t there to be an extra pair of hands but to be your daughter and a big sister. I’d say you need to work hard on your relationship with her to keep her feeling loved and secure forcing her to help will make things worse. Ignore the comments about breastfeeding…it probably is uncomfortable for her but she’ll get used to it eventually.

The daughter hasn’t left the house on her own since she was in year 6 and even has an adult chaperone when she goes out with her friends. Expecting her to go to the shops on her own and deal with the self scan machine which she admits feeling anxious about IS a big ask. The average 14 year old can do it but asking the dd to do something that is massively out of her comfort zone was always likely to fail.

To be fair, a significant proportion of 14 year olds are perpetually pissed off with the fact that their parents even exist beyond providing a constant source of snacks, money and transportation.

OP, I am absolutely baffled at the people who have said ‘did you even ask her’ - you do not need her permission to have sex and have another baby. How ridiculous.

she probably needs a little more adjusting time, I put all of her behaviours down to being just feeling out of sorts and needing time to ease into the change.

I'd be pretty pissed off if when I was 14, at the start of the 4 most important years of school, my mum decided to have another baby instead of spending that time supporting me.

Because she is asking her to?

Sure. That works with teenagers when you have never expected or encouraged them to lift a finger ever.

OP is reaping what she sowed.

Because she is asking her to?

As for expecting her to pop down the shops for you while baby was asleep on you ?? What .. the hell ! You'll be asking her to climb up the chimney next

Strange OP seemed not to think it was important she did that before.

Not unreasonable asks at all and I think you know it, so trust your instincts! I think you can ignore a lot of the posts on here and trust your instincts. Yes it's not ideal you didn't ask her to help out prior to the baby but you are where you are and you have to start somewhere.

There are plenty of adult posters on MN who hate self scan and get flustered by it. It’s not a big reach to understand that a 14yo who has never shopped on her own to be a bit anxious about it.

I might be being a bit harsh here - but you sound very like a lot of parents I see around who are very comfortable in the early years of parenting but have no clue how to do older years. So just have more children that they can mother through the early years. With no empathy about the impact on their older children.

You say you’re close. I have a DD a little bit older. If at 14 she had been only comfortable going out with friends when parents were present I would have felt like here is something very wrong in her life arc and focussed on fixing that. That’s a level of anxiety that a 14yo shouldn’t have. They should be pushing boundaries (which is a whole other parenting challenge) and trying to find a path to adulthood. It’s part of growing up but absolutely needs parental support as they navigate that. They need you in their corner.

But you decided to have another child so she’s probably feeling like she’s even lower down the pecking order. And from what you’ve said the needs of the younger supplant the needs of the older. She’s asking for your help and you’re ignoring her and making her feel uncomfortable for even asking for it.

I have a very individual and independent 16 year old. I taught her to be that in spite of the restrictive lockdown rules. It’s your job as a parent. It doesn’t just happen by magic.

You can’t decide to unhave your latest baby, nor should you want to wish that. But you shouldn’t ignore the fact that you have a 14yo to parent at the same time. So you need to meet all of your children’s needs. Not just the baby’s. And yes I know that might sound overwhelming. But it needs to be done

Edited for rubbish typo :)

Yes it's a few chores to help me out that's all, I'm not expecting her to help "raise" the baby

Did she do any of this before you had a baby?

If not, why would you expect her to do it now?

I agree. Surely it's good for their self esteem to realise that they can do these things for themselves.
How else are they going to grow up and be a fully functioning adult.

Obviously children should t be treated as slave labour but a couple of age appropriate jobs aren't going to hurt them.

I don’t understand any of the people commenting on posts on Mumsnet, me and my friends must be on a completely different planet to most women. Yes it was your choice to have a child but asking a 14 year old to nip to the shop isn’t asking her to take over the parenting is it? 😂 honestly, I wouldn’t even be saying it’s for the baby, she’s a teenager, she lives with you and asks you for help I’m sure so she can help you in return now and again surely. Teenagers are selfish but I don’t think being firm with your insistence on some help is unreasonable. I can’t believe someone asked you why you couldn’t go to the shop yourself 😂 I mean, I just believe you that it wasn’t possible or very tricky in that moment but some people clearly have issues taking things at face value!

What does that even mean? "Nobody is entitled to be sibling free"

Having a sibling should not be a responsibility

I’m sure there a bit of all this. Do they share the same Dad?

So what is your point? OP has not asked DD to act as free childcare, she asked her to go to the shops.

A friend of mine who has 4 kids had her fourth when the eldest was around the same age. She was absolutely clear that the baby was hers and her husband’s and her older kids were not free childcare.

Sure at 14 DD should be able to go to the shop but that’s not the point.

But the obvious reason before new baby may have been that she was busy parenting her younger siblings?

Nipping to the shops is not a big ask, planning the perfect moment to do this to prepare a 14 year old for such a low responsibility task feels like helicopter parenting IMO.

Jesus, has everyone collectively lost their minds? My grandmother was one of eleven. The children shared two bedrooms between them, and there were five or six to a bed. The children looked after their siblings, did chores and did as they were told by their parents. All 11 of them turned out as hard-working, respectable citizens.

Did their parents agonise over the feelings of their existing children when they had further children? No. Contraception wasn’t a thing and everyone just got on with it. The idea of tip-toeing around a spoilt, moody teenager or considering that they have an opinion as to whether they want more siblings is insane.