to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

Why do you think she wants to help you with a baby?

She’s a teenager going through the worst years for selfishness, sullenness and general shittiness.

@the3e7s she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding.

Really bizarre that a young girl thinks breastfeeding is disgusting. I don't recall ever finding it remotely disgusting.

Sorry, just read latest post. Good update.

“She has never had to do any chores ever, now baby is here I expect a little contribution in terms of chores. Really too much ask?”

Frankly, yes. if she’s not in the habit of doing a few chores, then to me ask her to do so now is a bit much. You should have got her into the routine of doing them (and given her the confidence to do so) before the baby was born.

So your baby is a week old.

and he has taken a week off, so has been back one day?

So is it just she refused to pass you something today? Refused to go to the shop today?

Everyone has talked at length about the issues here but what are you doing tomorrow when you need to get 2 kids to and/or from school? And all the kids are gone all day. If you desperately need something?

If you are really struggling can’t he take annual leave? Speak to his boss and say you are struggling?

Op I’m not gonna be unkind but my parents did this - they never made us do any chores around the house and then when they had a baby they were aghast that we weren’t suddenly cooking dinner and a bunch of other stuff they never showed us how to do. We were the most selfish lazy children overnight.
I actually remember my father shouting at my sister “you’re 15 for fucks sake!!”
I know now they were overwhelmed and understaffed so to speak and maybe you feel like that too but expecting your daughter to suddenly over come her anxieties and become independent by herself isn’t gonna lead to anything good you’ll just be frustrated by her
My parents also downplayed what having a baby would actually mean - they were all about baby names and cute outfits but I didn’t know my mother was actually struggling, 11 year old me didn’t know she needed a cup of tea - my thoughts “ she never needed anything before the baby? She wanted to have a baby why is she mad at me?? I didn’t have a baby!”
Again - as an adult I can’t see how she was feeling and how you are feeling Op but I do remember being that kid too

I will never, ever understand why people who cannot financially or physically provide for more kids due to time constraints etc decide to have another anyway. So selfish and not fair on any other existing kids.

YANBU at all in my eyes. My sons are a similar age and have had it made very clear to them that they will help ME out as much as possible or necessary with their younger sibling. I am disabled so it is important that they do help. For goodness sake one or the other took my younger child to school for practically an entire term because I wasn't able to. They are a vital part of the family and that cuts both ways.

I would be having very firm words with her about helping YOU (not the baby, YOU) out as and when you need it.

My husband could only take a week off work, it's not like he gets any paternity leave we are not financially well off enough for him to take as long off as needed we don't have that luxury

But you decided to have a 4th child ….

It wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask her IF this is something she usually does, but according to you it isn’t.

Getting to 14 and not being responsible for any household chores ever, isn’t great.

Being 14 and not knowing how to go into a shop and buy yourself something and not wanting to be left home alone is a bigger worry and something you definitely should have been helping her with a long time ago.

You’re unreasonable for suddenly expecting this from her now. She needs your time and attention, she needs help to gain some confidence and independence.

Ah, you have met my offspring I see!

@Hollietree

oh come on!! Im sure OP’s daughter is getting waaaaay more sleep than Op. daughter will NOT be exhausted like OP. let’s be real.

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask a 14 year old to go to the shop or do some chores, regardless of other siblings in the family.

Oh god I’d have been MORTIFIED! My friends’ teenaged children and my 10 year old HATE ‘mushy’ stuff on films / Tv, and usually make vomit noises!

I really don't see 14 as a child. It's totally normal that she should help out with small chores at home, do shopping bits, make you a cup of tea... She'll be moving out in a few years! There's nearly 13 years between me and my youngest sibling and I had him as a baby loads when he was little, it wasn't remotely a big deal! I'm very surprised at these responses.

What about his annual leave? It's ridiculous that this was actually the plan. It's only been a week and you are already too exhausted to go to the shops.

They do, but honestly unless taught otherwise, I think ‘self-absorbed’ is the default for a lot of teenagers!

I hate it when people say that. Having had many family member in the armed forces, all of will them tell you it gives your structure.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but have you read any parenting books that cover the teenage years? I only ask because I have found various parenting guides helpful (DD is now 10 going on 14 and a handful!), and I am finding reading about what’s happening, brain development, what’s appropriate to expect of them in terms of behaviour, chores etc, really helpful. I don’t want to parent how I was parented though (apart from the few good bits there were a lot of bad bits) so I know I need a hand. From what I’ve read, teenagers absolutely are selfish little beasts unless taught otherwise! In addition to homework and keeping her bedroom tidy, I get my 10 year old to help with cleaning once a week, loading / unloading dishwasher with me, clearing up after herself around the house, help chopping vegetables and simple cooking etc. It makes her feel really proud to be able to do this stuff, even though she always complains when she first starts learning how to do these things until she gets good enough at them that they are easy. I point out that if she ever wants to leave home (and not live by her horrible mum’s strict rules), then she will need to know this stuff. Good luck!

I think you might need to get your dd some help re the anxiety. What you're describing isn't usual

She’s a 14 year old girl who is old enough to help around the house and to go to a supermarket on her own - members of a family help each other out!!

you aren’t asking her to change nappies or clean up baby sick, I don’t think you are being unreasonable to ask her to go to the shop, is there any chance you could tell her to get a treat for herself while there which might sweeten the deal?

I agree that’s disgusting comment is pretty immature.