to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

She's just started year 10, which yes the supermarket is a 5 minute walk and I think she does need to start taking some steps to go out of her comfort zone and learn how to buy something from a supermarket by yourself.

No. Children are not there to do the donkey work because you chose to have another baby. Did you even ask her before getting pregnant.

She’s a child and not there to help you with your newborn. Poor girl.

You have chosen to reproduce again at a time she would rather have you around to do fun mother-daughter stuff, help her with her GCSE options, take her out at weekends, not spend it sat at home exhausted, pushing a pram, changing nappies and breastfeeding. What’s the betting any summer holiday plans have been grossly limited by you being heavily pregnant too. Did you even consider her in this plan? No wonder she is pissed off.

OP, Yanbu at all. I would also expect better and would nip the disrespect in the bud straight away.

I'm always surprised at how some posters have such low standards and expectations of teens and younger children.

They should be mucking in and helping around the house before they even get to the teen years. That's how they learn to become self sufficient.

They should be raised with the mentality to help out when and where it's needed.

They should be able to do laundry, cleaning, cooking, basic shopping and general chores even if there is no addition of a new sibling. Not all the time as they generally have school and social lives.

There is something wrong with a raising a child to teen years who is then embarrassed by anything to do with a newborn sibling.

@Hollietree

oh come on!! Im sure OP’s daughter is getting waaaaay more sleep than Op. daughter will NOT be exhausted like OP. let’s be real.

I've had a 1:1 quiet chat with her. She said she just does not like doing things alone as it just makes her anxious and she doesn't know why. She said she was reluctant to help me out with anything as she didn't want it to escalate where I start asking her to look after baby or make the babies milk or feed her in case "she messes it up" she got really upset and said sorry and explained a couple of her friends have newborns in the house also and they do things like make up baby formula and bottle feed. I explained I wasn't going to make her do this anyway and that if she ever feels anxious about something she just has to say and I would never ever force her or persuade her to do it. With the breastfeeding thing she said she thought it was something done in private like going to the toilet, which I explained was not the case.

I have taken all suggestions on board so thank you we are going to draw up a rota where she can do some chores to "earn" pocket money which we will setup a bank account for her get her a card. I will show her how to use and she can manage her own money/finances hopefully this progresses her independence. There is also bonus tasks for extra pocket money that include more "challenging" tasks for her that require her to venture out the house by herself. They are simple tasks which she has agreed to just start of doing one a week and husband or someone will take baby out the house so it's just me home by the phone if she needs to call for my help. For example tasks like picking up her brother from school, picking up a takeaway e.t.c just things that are 10 minute walk from home and nothing can go wrong as I'm the phone.

We are going to also have a girly day at the weekend just me and her and promised to do this at least once a month

She seems very happy and I said if she doesn't feel ready she doesn't have to we can revisit the idea in a month or so but she's happy to give it a go as long as I'm homely the phone not distracted with baby or siblings.

Well however much she knows or doesn't know. Really? It's standard for all teenagers to have this embarrassment factor that their parents are having sex?

She’s a child and not there to help you with your newborn. Poor girl.

I've had a 1:1 quiet chat with her. She said she just does not like doing things alone as it just makes her anxious and she doesn't know why. She said she was reluctant to help me out with anything as she didn't want it to escalate where I start asking her to look after baby or make the babies milk or feed her in case "she messes it up" she got really upset and said sorry and explained a couple of her friends have newborns in the house also and they do things like make up baby formula and bottle feed. I explained I wasn't going to make her do this anyway and that if she ever feels anxious about something she just has to say and I would never ever force her or persuade her to do it. With the breastfeeding thing she said she thought it was something done in private like going to the toilet, which I explained was not the case.

I have taken all suggestions on board so thank you we are going to draw up a rota where she can do some chores to "earn" pocket money which we will setup a bank account for her get her a card. I will show her how to use and she can manage her own money/finances hopefully this progresses her independence. There is also bonus tasks for extra pocket money that include more "challenging" tasks for her that require her to venture out the house by herself. They are simple tasks which she has agreed to just start of doing one a week and husband or someone will take baby out the house so it's just me home by the phone if she needs to call for my help. For example tasks like picking up her brother from school, picking up a takeaway e.t.c just things that are 10 minute walk from home and nothing can go wrong as I'm the phone.

We are going to also have a girly day at the weekend just me and her and promised to do this at least once a month

She seems very happy and I said if she doesn't feel ready she doesn't have to we can revisit the idea in a month or so but she's happy to give it a go as long as I'm homely the phone not distracted with baby or siblings.

There are plenty of adult posters on MN who hate self scan and get flustered by it. It’s not a big reach to understand that a 14yo who has never shopped on her own to be a bit anxious about it.

I might be being a bit harsh here - but you sound very like a lot of parents I see around who are very comfortable in the early years of parenting but have no clue how to do older years. So just have more children that they can mother through the early years. With no empathy about the impact on their older children.

You say you’re close. I have a DD a little bit older. If at 14 she had been only comfortable going out with friends when parents were present I would have felt like here is something very wrong in her life arc and focussed on fixing that. That’s a level of anxiety that a 14yo shouldn’t have. They should be pushing boundaries (which is a whole other parenting challenge) and trying to find a path to adulthood. It’s part of growing up but absolutely needs parental support as they navigate that. They need you in their corner.

But you decided to have another child so she’s probably feeling like she’s even lower down the pecking order. And from what you’ve said the needs of the younger supplant the needs of the older. She’s asking for your help and you’re ignoring her and making her feel uncomfortable for even asking for it.

I have a very individual and independent 16 year old. I taught her to be that in spite of the restrictive lockdown rules. It’s your job as a parent. It doesn’t just happen by magic.

You can’t decide to unhave your latest baby, nor should you want to wish that. But you shouldn’t ignore the fact that you have a 14yo to parent at the same time. So you need to meet all of your children’s needs. Not just the baby’s. And yes I know that might sound overwhelming. But it needs to be done

Edited for rubbish typo :)

I've had a 1:1 quiet chat with her. She said she just does not like doing things alone as it just makes her anxious and she doesn't know why. She said she was reluctant to help me out with anything as she didn't want it to escalate where I start asking her to look after baby or make the babies milk or feed her in case "she messes it up" she got really upset and said sorry and explained a couple of her friends have newborns in the house also and they do things like make up baby formula and bottle feed. I explained I wasn't going to make her do this anyway and that if she ever feels anxious about something she just has to say and I would never ever force her or persuade her to do it. With the breastfeeding thing she said she thought it was something done in private like going to the toilet, which I explained was not the case.

I have taken all suggestions on board so thank you we are going to draw up a rota where she can do some chores to "earn" pocket money which we will setup a bank account for her get her a card. I will show her how to use and she can manage her own money/finances hopefully this progresses her independence. There is also bonus tasks for extra pocket money that include more "challenging" tasks for her that require her to venture out the house by herself. They are simple tasks which she has agreed to just start of doing one a week and husband or someone will take baby out the house so it's just me home by the phone if she needs to call for my help. For example tasks like picking up her brother from school, picking up a takeaway e.t.c just things that are 10 minute walk from home and nothing can go wrong as I'm the phone.

We are going to also have a girly day at the weekend just me and her and promised to do this at least once a month

She seems very happy and I said if she doesn't feel ready she doesn't have to we can revisit the idea in a month or so but she's happy to give it a go as long as I'm homely the phone not distracted with baby or siblings.

Laughing at the "she's a child" post. She's also a sulky teen who should get her head out her arse and help her mum. You know like we all probably did.
At 12 I was doing the family washing sometimes because my mum worked full time and had a health condition that meant she had to stay in bed all weekend occasionally. Did I begrudge helping? no because we are all part of the same family and love each other.

No, but I'm guessing many 14 year olds would be mortified to see their mother breastfeeding. Not that OP shouldn't of course, and hopefully the DD will come round, but I don't think it's unusual that she's a bit uncomfortable with it.