to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

My daughter was a similar age when my son was born. She hated it, me, the baby. It didn't help he was extremely difficult and didn't sleep and that went on for 2.5 years. I never asked her for anything. It wasn't her job and I could see she was struggling. She wouldn't push the pram or walk too near when we were out in case somebody thought she was his. It was a difficult time.

Now he's 13 and she's an adult and they have a wonderful close relationship. She was extremely supportive when he was diagnosed with autism. It got better slowly from when he could walk and talk and interact with her. However, I never put any pressure on her at all. I get it's annoying but lower your expectations and make sure you make time for her.

I guess that's where you were wrong, my 10 year old has been doing chores for a few years so I guess going from no chores at all for 14 years is something she's not used to.

The issue is it is now tied to the baby not something that's always been expected or used to. In that regard you are BU.

@kitsuneghost

so what if she’d asked her daughter and her daughter has said ‘no, I don’t want you to have a baby’. What’s OP supposed to do then?! Just be like ‘oh ok, I won’t then’ ?!

Sorry, but you are mightily pathetic asking your neighbour to go to the supermarket for you. Either pop the baby in a sling/pram or you could’ve waited for your husband to return from work.

Op you do realise this is Mumsnet don't you ?

Of course she shouldn't be expected to do ANYTHING - EVER !! At least until she has left home (voluntarily aged 30+)

As for expecting her to pop down the shops for you while baby was asleep on you ?? What .. the hell ! You'll be asking her to climb up the chimney next !!

And?

Why couldn’t he pick up whatever you needed? Make dinner, wash up?

plenty of single parents work full time as well. He can manage it in a 2 parent household.

You are asking her to do additional things because you had a baby. Wether it would also be helpful for her, isn’t relevant.

If you thought those things were important, you would have been doing them with her and getting her to do them herself before you had a baby. Now, you think it’s important because it suits you.

This. You chose to have another baby, she didn't. Your baby, your responsibility.

And no, it's not "helping out with the household".

She's 14! Let her have a normal teenhood. She can make her bed etc and not cause you more work but there is zero need for a teen to help to look after a sibling.

And while you say it's a few chores to help you, when will that change to wanting her to change the baby's nappy etc. Or babysitting while you get a haircut. I bet it happens. It's not fair.

So she has never gone to a shop by herself and won’t stay at home by herself?
That seems very unusual for an almost 15 year old.

She has never had to do any chores ever, now baby is here I expect a little contribution in terms of chores.

Why not? Can't you see that suddenly expecting this when you've had years to prepare her is the issue?

This.

So I've been on your side but his I do think is unreasonable. You should have been bringing her up to help you!
If you start now of course you'll get pushback and she'll resent the impact of the baby.

@the3e7s the problem is she will see it as her being forgotten about and pushed aside because of new baby.

You need to get 1 on 1 time with her, and make sure she knows you still love her just as much

WTF have I just read? You HAVE to be kidding. There's no reason on earth why your 14 year old should be helping with your new baby. What a ludicrous thing to say! You wanted this baby. YOU look after it. Good grief! 😆

She is a teenager FGS, let her be one, and stop expecting her to be an unpaid childminder, cleaner, and housekeeper!

YABVU @the3e7s

Your friend was a weirdo. Of course parents have sex. My mate also had a kid sister around age 15 and it was a well received baby.

At 14, I think she's being a bit too childish tbh

I think expecting her to pop to the shops or pass you things are fine. She should be doing those regardless of the baby,

Did you ask her for help before the baby was born? If not, that's on you, and as far as she's concerned new sibling has arrived and she's been relegated to dogsbody.

Oh god I was horrible at 14. When asked to help with housework, I couldn't see why I should bother. As far as I was concerned, it wasn't my job. I'd imagine she feels the same way about baby care. She'll be fine by the time she's 32 but at this age you probably can't expect her to suddenly grow up just because you could do with having a helpful adult around 😁

I disagree with the majority of posters - no child should be telling a woman that feeding her infant is disgusting. It's completely unacceptable to be making misogynistic comments like that.

My assumption would be that’s she’s not happy you’ve had a baby and probably not happy that she’s now part of a blended family (assuming you are in a relationship with a man that’s not her father).

How old are your other kids?

@JustFrustrated I agree, asking a 14 year old to go to the supermarket is not a big ask baby or no baby!

My youngest sister was born when I was about the same age as your daughter. It took me a long time to warm up to her. I had guessed my Mum was pregnant long before I was told but didn't feel like I could confide in anyone about it, it was embarrassing at school to tell people as my parents had clearly not planned to have another baby and lots of comments were made.

The arrival of the new baby meant nobody had any time for me and I had to give up dance classes as nobody could give me a lift anymore. I absolutely felt pushed out and like an inconvenience. My mother has since apologised that my needs got overlooked and I did grow to love my sister but it was a really rough adjustment.