to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

If you have never expected any of your to help in the house prior to deciding to have a new baby, you cannot expect any of them to suddenly become adept at them just because you’ve had said baby and want to take it easy.

You haven’t built these expectations into their lives as part of growing up, that’s a you problem, not your teenager’s problem.

YABU she should have been doing chores a long time ago. Now you are expecting her to do things you haven't prepared her to do because you have a new baby not because you think she should be helping around the house or she already would have been. You're expecting your child to pick up the slack for you when you've never asked her to take responsibility for anything, no wonder she's refusing. She's going to resent you and the baby.

So are all her siblings very young? Maybe she isn’t happy there’s been a quick succession of babies, each one impacting her.

Now her mother is so exhausted she can’t go to the shop after having another and putting chores on her that she wasn’t expected to do before.

You teach teenagers to do chores and things for independent for them. You don’t do it only when it suits you and drop them in the deep end.

Your poor daughter. You have a new kid and all of a sudden she isn't allowed to be a child anymore. You had the baby, you look after it. She's not there to be your support system.

So you spoiled her and now shes acting spoilt?

I don’t think people always realise how a new baby can impact teenagers. When I was your daughter’s age, my mum started having babies with her new husband and my place in the home changed overnight. Honestly, the only way my mum ‘parented’ me from that point onwards was to let me know when I’d done something wrong - all of her energy for nurturing or being patient went to the babies and I was treated as an adult - a useless adult - from the day they were born.

I know that your daughter must seem so mature compared to your baby but she needs you. In fact, a bit of babying is probably exactly what your teen needs as well - which sounds exhausting for you but that’s the situation you have now 🤷🏼‍♀️

When you have a minute with a clear head, try to think about where you would ideally want your relationship with your daughter to be in 5 years time. When she’s 19 and your baby is at school, where do you want your relationship with your oldest to be? Let that inform how you do things.

I left at 18 and my mum barely noticed.

'Donkey wotk'

give over, she's being asked to nip to the shop for a few bits, not the monthly shop (which by the way I was going at 15)

and pass her Mum something, not sorting clean the house.

@the3e7s I knew you'd get all the 'not her baby' 'you chose to have a baby, not her' bollocks

you're not asking her to go down a mine!! Yes, I would expect her to do as asked. But given what you've said about her, is there any chance she actually needs some therapy to cope with her inability to do anything independently.

plus yeah, she needs 1;1 time with you & reassurance she's your special big girl, not being usurped by this new, demanding imposter!

It's hard when you're knackered & feel they could bloody well help, but they are still kids.

typical though, I went on & on & on st my parents to have a baby when I was her age & if they had, they wouldn't have got a look in. My dad a vasectomy instead! ( I think my nagging was a constant reminder that they did not want another baby!!)

The comments on here are silly. It's not at all unreasonable for a 14 yo to do a few chores around the house. It's absolutely unacceptable for her to make such rude comments about you breastfeeding and I would not tolerate that in my house.

Agreed. Some of the other replies to this thread are bizarre. I don't think the OP is asking for that much.

Yeah you are.
She's 14. She's a child. Probably feels insecure and worried she's 2nd best to the baby.
It's not her job to help you.
And there's Deliveroo for groceries

Firstly, she's being a teenager. We ask my son to take the dog on the field which is literally next to our house and he acts as though we've asked him to conduct the clean up operation in a war zone.

Any chores that would have been required to have been done with a new baby or not then yes, I agree, she should be doing anyway. Washing up, putting her clothes in the wash etc - get her doing.

Anything that's because of the new baby has nothing to do with her and she shouldn't be expected to help out there. Yes, she could have gone to the shop for you but on the other hand, you could have also gone yourself. Your tiredness due to baby isn't her problem.

But the OP has let her not help with chores for almost 15 years. Parents need to teach children responsibility and resilience. Expecting a 14 year old to become a different person overnight, just because you've had another baby, is a bit daft.

Just saw that there's 2 brothers as well. Well if you had the first 3 in quick succession she never would have noticed really. And even if they were space out nicely there's a big difference between having a new sibling when you're 10 and when you're a stroppy teen.

You are being so unbelievably unreasonable here. I hope it's just the exhaustion.

You chose to have this baby.
Maybe she is saying the things she does because she is at a very hormonal, vulnerable and emotional age and her whole life has been turned upside down with a new sibling she is adjusting to.

I think OP is getting a hard time 😬. Of course a 14 year old can do chores, the problem here is that OP didn’t get her doing chores before the baby turned up? So now Dd thinks she’s got to do more because of the baby? Of course a 14 year old can pop to the shop…put a load of washing on…load a dishwasher, but she should have been doing this before a new baby was in the scene. She now sees it as “you have to do more now because there’s a new baby”?

I completely agree but not all of a sudden because of a new baby

Exactly this.

It’s not that it’s too much to ask, it’s that you’re approaching it all wrong. You’ve had a baby, things have changed, she’s worried that now she’ll get no attention etc, and you’ve piled on top of that expectations which weren’t there before!

From her point of view, she's never had to DO anything before. Suddenly there's a new baby and she HAS to go shopping, do stuff she's never done and which might be outside her (rather overprotected) comfort zone. In her eyes, it's the baby's fault. If s/he hadn't been born, nobody would be asking her to do things.

If you don't want her to hold this over the baby forever, then maybe apologise to her, explain that YOU should have prepared her better, and then start teaching your daughter (and her two younger brothers) how to function in society. Forget the baby, that's your problem, but you really should have got your kids over any fears of things like shopping or being alone long before the baby arrived.

Does she have any SEN? Because being over 14 and afraid to go to the supermarket or be left alone is pretty extreme.

It feels like you expect more from her than your partner?

Yes
Its a major change shes had no choice over and now it means she is expected to help out more as well.
Asking a 14 year old to help out occasionally is fine but on the back of you having another baby I can see why she wouldn't be happy.
You should have been encouraging her to be more helpful as part of preparing her for adult life as well as being a useful team member of your family for some time now rather that because of a new baby that she's probably not too pleased about in any case.

Very unpopular opinion, no doubt, but I think they there should be more expectations, not fewer, placed on teenagers with regard to helping out/contributing to family life etc. It really doesn’t prepare them for the world outside, if they grow up in a bubble where there are no demands made on them to play an active part in the day to day tasks which have to be carried out by us all. Children need to be loved and protected, but they also need to experience some of the realities of life, within the hopefully secure environment of their families, so they can become confident and independent adults, able to deal with the wider world.

So are the two brothers expected to help as well, in an age appropriate way? I had a couple of friends in situation similar to yours. Because they were the oldest child their parents assumed they would help when new baby came. It did not end well in either case. One left home at 17 and the other got pregnant at 18 and her parents were absolutely horrified.