to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

It's not buying Cushelle when they want Andrex here.
It's a baby and a rather big life decision that affects the whole family.

It’s really obvious there’s additional issues here (not wanting to be home alone, not wanting to go to the shop at all). They should have been worked on regardless of a new baby.

Now expecting her to do these things because you have a baby, is the issue.

You have 3 kids capable of passing you things. Surely her saying no occasionally (as you said she does but not in a way you like) isn’t causing a huge issue. How many things do you need passing if you have all 3 doing it?

We can’t predict how our kids will react to a new baby. But we can manage expectations and prepare them. Like preparing them for adulthood.

It’s very strange you are expecting very little from the children’s Dad though.

@the3e7s thing is, she is at that age when she considers you too old to be having sex, never mind a baby!! she is embarassed! she probably does not have any friends who have a new baby in the house!! teenagers all think that their parents should not be having sex or even dressing sexy, in a mum's case!! and dont even talk about cleavage or breast feeding!!!

Of course she can be doing basic chores and helping her mum out. But you’ve never expected her to do it up until now! You need to sit her down and give her a list of expectations so she knows.

Do agree DD should have been give more opportunities earlier - it is a classic case of bringing up adults, not kids. You have to think ahead and consider what your child will need to be capable of in a year or two and get past 'Oh, but they're too young' and 'Oh but they have to cross some roads' and get them to do it.

Wow that’s some age gap. It’s not her job to look after your baby.

@SwiftiesVSLestat

'Drop her in the deep end'

jesus wept, pop to the shop & psss her Mum something, is hardly the fucking 'deep end'

Considering the OP had just had a baby, the 14 year old should be wanting to make sure her mum is ok. She should be wanting to help after her mum going through childbirth etc.

If we don't expect our kids to help out at all, they will grow up to be selfish people who will think they never have to do anything for anybody else.

I do agree with her not taking on the burden of raising the baby but I don't think that is what the OP is asking of her.

I wasnt referring to any breast feeding related issues, more that females are asked to do this kind of thing more than males

All your answers are focussing on the chores and independence.

It isn’t about that. It’s about her emotional response to her Mum being preoccupied by a new baby, probably just as she herself is feeling insecure in that twixt - tween area between child and young adult.

Of course she is capable of going to the shop, but she is probably acting out because she is quite simply jealous or resentful that she has lost her Mum to a newborn at a time she needs you.

And your response is proving she is right. You seem not to be considering her emotional response as a reason. Just criticising her and expecting her to rescue you from the pressures of having a baby.

I'm going against the grain here and saying YANBU. I don't get the impression OP is expecting to be waited on hand and foot or for DD to act as another parent - going to the shop is a totally reasonable and age-appropriate way to ask her to help. I can see a teen being queasy if she were being asked to change a nappy or clear up regurgitated milk, but OP was just asking her to do something that, yes, can be hard to do when you have a breastfeeding baby stuck you most of the day and is totally fine to expect of a teenager.

DD doesn't have to be thrilled about having a sibling and shouldn't be treated like an unpaid carer but she can and should step up to help her mum.

An almost 15 year old who won’t stay in the house alone for 5 minutes and doesn’t know how to buy things from the supermarket sounds like a bigger issue than just being lazy and unhelpful. But you should have addressed this earlier because now you only want her to ’grow up’ to make your life easier. She’s going to feel so resentful that a baby turns up and not only is Mum preoccupied but suddenly she’s expected to do things that she’s never been asked to do before and doesn’t feel confident about.

My teens have been picking up stuff from the shops on their way home from school for years. So last year when I was having chemo and really needed their help they were already competent. DS15 went to Aldi and searched around in the specials aisle for the French skillet I wanted, bless him.

Yeah you’ve made the mistake of waiting too long to shift the goals posts in terms of expectations and independence. Completely reasonable to want a 14 year old to do chores, go to the shops, stay home alone but you’ve waited too long and it’s a bad time to force this with the newborn on the scene.

you need to build in independence tasks that are not related to the baby at this point. You’re going to get lots of push back because she just hasn’t had to bother before. This is learnt behaviour so before you have a real go at her remember teenagers don’t suddenly grow up and become independent over night it’s something you should have been working towards as her parent for a long time.

Also how old are the siblings? Are you building more chores into their day as well?

So this is your 4th baby.
I think it's true the eldest is all ways expected to do more.
And seems to be the blame for any thing.
Sad really.
My sister never had teen years she was far to busy caring for us as mother needed rest apparently.
She buggered of at 17 and then it fell on the next.
Op you haven't mentioned what the other kids do or are they the golden children.
Sorry to sound harsh but you choose to have kids and it's not down to her to pick up the slack because daddy is at work.
He's a the parent too.

Is she the baby's father? If so, YANBU.
If not, YABU.

Your daughter should have been doing a few chores for a while now. That's possibly what the issue is, she's been allowed to get away with not doing any - and now that you have the baby, she's being expected to do some. That's quite bad planning really as she possibly equates the baby being here with NOW having to do some chores (which she should already have been doing).

I think you need to have a conversation with her (when her dad is home and can take care of the baby) to tell her that you understand how she feels but other teens her age are doing some of the chores at home - that's family life - and she needs to pitch in also. Nothing to do with the baby, in fact I wouldn't ask her to do anything baby-related at all, let her come to you for that herself.

It is a large age-gap though, OP, challenging isn't the word!

OP, Yanbu at all. I would also expect better and would nip the disrespect in the bud straight away.

I'm always surprised at how some posters have such low standards and expectations of teens and younger children.

They should be mucking in and helping around the house before they even get to the teen years. That's how they learn to become self sufficient.

They should be raised with the mentality to help out when and where it's needed.

They should be able to do laundry, cleaning, cooking, basic shopping and general chores even if there is no addition of a new sibling. Not all the time as they generally have school and social lives.

There is something wrong with a raising a child to teen years who is then embarrassed by anything to do with a newborn sibling.

Only read the first page where OP was getting a bashing.

YANBU - a 14 year old should be expected to help out in challenging family situations. I'm sure you help her out a lot.

She might be feeling a bit jel. Have you other kids, or just the two?

I had a newborn when my eldest was 14 but there were 3 others between the eldest two so she was probably used to new babies arriving!

She was super helpful. And very willing; she was delighted to have a sister after 3 brothers i think and she could look after her sister just as well as i could (apart from the breast feeding!)

She's in her 30s now and still very fond of her little sister (not so little now!)

I don't think YABU because families should be working together to get chores done, and kids do need to take more responsibility as they get older. That is part of growing up.

If she doesn't want to be around the baby just now, she certainly could be helping with some shopping, cooking etc.

Do try to get baby into a good routine - i know all this baby led is the thing just now - but you must still find time for your older DD that's one to one with you. And that's easier if you put baby somewhere else to nap, and get a bedtime routine going in the early months.

Our teens need us more than our babies in many respects so don't treat DD1 as an adult now. She absolutely isn't. She needs your time too.

But - she should chip in and help you out, for sure!

No, of course in themselves those are not onerous chores. But timing them to start with the new baby's arrival - and not preparing her to do any of this stuff on her own over the last couple of years - is a terrible idea. She will connect the extra work with the baby and resent both her sibling and you at a time when she is already having to adjust to a big change.

Cut her some slack and start teaching her how to be more independent in a way that's not connected to the baby e.g. if you have some time together when baby is napping.

Exactly this. The only thing op should have done was make sure the lazy madam was already doing jobs but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
There's so many threads about lazy kids and everybody frothing because apparently their 10 year olds make tea twice a week why is this teen different? We all have to realise at some point we're not the centre of the universe.
Sorry should have quoted @maudelovesharold .

This is your problem. You wouldn’t be unreasonable to expect a 14 year old to help round the house or nip to the shops. You should have been building her up to doing this for years. Suddenly expecting her to do it because of the arrival of a newborn when she’s had her life thrown slightly upside down was always going to be problematic.

Teenage brains are remarkably similar to toddler brains in terms of development. If this is the first sibling what have you done to make her feel not pushed out? A

My then 11 year old son helped out when his little sister was born, he already had a little brother so I don't know if he was just "used to it" but he went to the pharmacy and bought "embarrassing" items like breast pads and maternity pads with no trouble, and indeed was hugely congratulated on it by the people who work there so he loved feeling like a hero!

Neither of my sons are embarrassed by me breastfeeding their sister, and she is nearly 2 and still feeds as they did. We live in Catalunya and schools are very very big in gender equality and a young lad being embarrassed by "women's things" would actually make him considered an immature loser by most other lads his age (now almost 14), and refusing to go to the supermarket to help your mum who has just had a new baby would also be considered "an L".

I disagree with the general feeling here, it's not like she's asking the 14 year old to change nappies and do night feeds, she's been asked to run to the supermarket FGS. Perfectly reasonable.

I mean that’s the role of a parent. To provide where they can and support the children they have.