to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

And I hate to mention it but my eldest daughter was anxious about going shopping and being alone - diagnosed with autism as an adult.

If you've been an only child for 14 years then suddenly having a younger sibling is a very big deal. Most DC with younger siblings have a way smaller age gap, they've learnt to share and look after the younger DC, your DD has suddenly become a big sister past the age when she ever thought that would happen.Besides, that means you've had sex and no 14 yo wants to think of their DM having sex. You can't make her want to look after her new sibling and she clearly doesn't- having a baby was your decision, not hers, so why do you expect her to be really happy about it?

More insight into the root of your issue with her. Giving a child everything and anything they ask for while never expecting the child to do any chores or earn anything results in an entitled spoilt child.

Why are you conflating breastfeeding and sex? That's weird and creepy. There's nothing sexual about feeding a baby.

People's attitudes are mental. 14 year olds 100% need to be thinking about things other than themselves. My three year old helped all the time. She should help out because you are all a family and a team and you all work together and contribute to the greater good. Looking after other people and not just yourself is an important lifelong skill to develop. Contributing builds self-esteem. But this should have been part of her education all along. It is up to you to instill it. If you've basically expected nothing of her so far it's not fair to throw your hands up and try to shame her if she's behaving in a way that has previously been considered acceptable. You need to sell the idea of the team in a positive way, recognise and praise her contributions and demonstrations of maturity and consideration. Be really grateful for it. And try to return the favour.

Did you also ask her to help out when
her two brothers arrived? Maybe she's fucking sick
If there being babies around

I know you just had a baby, but she's your child
as well.
Not good.

That's your problem. Why did you not expect her to do any chores before she reached this age? She's been spoilt and doesn't regard household tasks or helping her tired Mum out as her responsibility.
She might be a young woman but she's still your child and can be put out by the arrival of a new baby.

Can't imagine many teenagers her age being thrilled. Not her choice and not her responsibility.

I think you're conflating two issues here.

1. you're tired, trying to juggle a baby and are seeking support.

2. your 14 year old DD doesn't sound terribly independent or helpful.

This issue you have is, you can't force number 2 to happen now because of number 1. Yes I absolutely expect my 14 year old son to chip in and help and sometimes that's popping to the shop, it's unloading the dishwasher etc, but if you haven't instilled that kind of independence and expectation into her by now, it is wholly unfair to force it on her now because there is a baby. That will only lead to resentment.

Shop with the baby

She should have been doing chores long before this. If she hasn't been expected to, it's unreasonable to suddenly have this expectation now. My DSD was 16 and in the middle of doing her GCSEs when my baby was born, I had for a couple of years expected her to do chores when she didn't have an exam the next day and that remained the same throughout, I didn't suddenly change the expectations when her brother arrived, she still had her chores as well as a "pass" on them if she had an exam.

I absolutely agree that a 14 year old should be helping around the house appropriately, but the issue here is OP has never required her to do any chores for 14 years and is now suddenly expecting her to be good at doing chores and help because she has a baby

This is a problem created by OP, so if OP didn't have a baby she would continue to do everything and her daughter would never do any chores? How is that helping her daughter and setting her up for success in the future? These are the type of kids who move to uni accommodation and have absolutely no clue how to do anything.

So yes she should be helping around the house but OP needs to invest the time to teach her given she failed to do so until she is now overwhelmed with a baby.

OK i've read the full thread now.

Your mistake was in not ever asking her to do any chores until now.

Write it off and focus on the 6 and 9 year old boys. Make sure you raise them to do their fair share around the house, otherwise, their wives will leave them.

Because the oldest child is the oldest. Obviously you expect more of a 14 yo than a 6 yo or a 3 yo. In the same way the oldest child will have privileges like staying up later, getting more pocket money, going out with friends that the youngest will not have yet. When the youngest is 14 they should have the same expectations to muck in and contribute to the family.

from your posts, it reads like you’ve never expected her to do anything before and now you’ve had a new baby, you’re too tired and want her to cover it?
The stuff you’re asking for isn’t too much, but it’s too much if it’s never been required before, so YABU.

You haven't made her do much up until now, which is the problem. If she'd have been popping to the shop and helping around the house a bit before now, it wouldn't be a big thing. Now she's got a new sibling to deal with AND you're changing expectations all at once which is going to make her resent the new baby and you. No wonder she's not happy at the moment. You haven't parented her as you should have up til now and now you magically expect her to change overnight.

Its absolutely reasonable to expect a 14yo to get stuff from shops.
I appreciate some or even lots of 14yo dont like having a baby sibling and need time to adjust.
I am always a bit surprised to read how children are treated like royalty rather than members of a family, not expected to function as a part of the household they live in.

Why won’t she stay at home on her own for 5 mins?

You’ve done her a great disservice never giving any chores. She’ll be off to uni in 4 years and should be able to do adult stuff like go to a supermarket on her own. Most year 5/6s can cope being home alone for a short period.

If you quote people it already tags them, not sure if you know.

This teenager won’t be in the house alone, doesn’t like going to the shop. She clearly is quite an anxious child. So yes, it’s dropping her in the deep end.

I have an adult dd and a teenage ds. Both always done chores, gone to the shop etc.

Dd had quite severe anxiety so needed support doing certain things at first. That’s a parents job. To get your kids ready for adulthood, in a way that works for that child.

OP I completely understand how frustrating this is and how much you could do with a small hand from her at the moment.

But I have to agree with pp that kids don't become independent on their own and if she's never been asked/pushed to, eg, go to the shop on her own then she's unlikely to start now.

But I do sympathise and it's really frustrating. My 14yo SC is similar (won't stay home alone, won't go to the shop alone, won't take a doorkey presumably to avoid letting themselves in to an empty house). I think a lot of things that were just part of life for teens when we were young are now things that need to be explicitly taught/encouraged as life seems to be so much more cotton-woolled for them now.

You chose to have a baby, daughter is still young at 14 so I think it would be unfair to expect much. 14 is a hard age as it is.

my mum had a baby when I was 11 and again when I was 15.

I was quite young still at 11 and still playing with dolls. I remember my mum screaming at me saying you have a real life baby here you could help out more with!!

thing is I did do lots, more so when 15. I didn’t mind helping but looking back I still think I should have had to do as much.

i remember when about 16 I was taking care of baby sibling at home on my own, phone rang and I put baby down, she was about 8 months and she fell and bumped her head. My mum gave me shite over the phone, yet she left me to it and then starts ringing.

I had mr first baby at 19 and again in early twenties. I couldn’t have another now my oldest is 13, I feel like my mum made no time for me as an individual as a teen. I didn’t want massive gaps for my own.

My 12 and 14 year olds do nothing around the house. Not a thing.

Poor kid, this must be a massive adjustment for her.

Tbh I'd be expecting her to do less if anything around the house as she's clearly struggling, not more. This isn't the time to get her to step up.

I can't even imagine my parents having a baby when I was a teen. A newborn takes a bomb to a household, most teens wouldn't cope well with that.

That's the problem, OP hasn't raised her to do any of that and now there is a newborn she expects her 14yo to magically be able to help when she's never had to do any chores before and clearly has never gone to a supermarket on her own.