to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

You wanted a baby you and you husband made a baby.
Now that op is called your responsibility.
You have other children no doubt you have asked her to deal with them.
I left home at 16 because of the same reason I felt like a mother instead of a sibling.
My mother put a lot on me and it was always my fault I should grow up.
I snapped one day and said you opened your legs you bring them up that was almost 32 year ago.
No contact since.
I have 2 children of my own young teens yes they have chores like most but I wouldn't ask them to pick up the slack because I had a baby.

Well there’s your issue.

Up to this point you and your DH have not encouraged or organised a household where there is an expectation that everyone helps in some way.

And now, suddenly, you’re projecting your tiredness etc onto your eldest child, a girl, so doubling up the issue you and your DH have created with a quite sexist expectation that your daughter will help you with your newborn.

At 9, I was ironing my school shirts and Brownie uniform and we were all expected to take turns in doing things like laying the table for supper, or helping with washing up, drying up and putting away dishes etc after supper.

Some mothers have no choice but to go to the shops when they’re exhausted and their baby is sleeping.

Your problem is that you done everything for her before this baby arrived, now you suddenly tell her she has to grow up. You have created this problem, your daughter feels pushed away by you. Yes she needs to do more but you should have started before the baby was born, now you are building a wall between your eldest and youngest. You need to spend time with her and softly encourage her to be more independent.

As a mum of 2 teenagers and currently heavily pregnant, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable about your daughter being rude about the breastfeeding. But she’s still adjusting, it’s a huge change. Once you get into a good routine it’ll be much easier on you and your daughter as well.

@SwiftiesVSLestat

are you suggesting the Dad should come home from work to pass the OP a glass of water?

or gets a few bits from the shop that she needs now. Not later when he gets in from work?

Totally agree.

Within a family we all have to help each other out.

No one is exempt. During hard times eg illness/exams/new baby. People have to step up for a bit.

This is a weird thread. Normally on this site there is a strong push for encouraging independence and responsibility in teens.

Your younger kids still need taking care of? So does your bloody teenage kid ffs.

It's absolutely concerning and weird to be "mortified" to see a woman breastfeeding. My SD coped perfectly fine with seeing me BF even though she wasn't breastfed herself. I'd be very, very ashamed and disappointed if my teenage daughter had such a warped perception of normal and healthy motherhood.

When her mother and father haven't parented very well by the sounds of it, it's hardly surprising. None of this is OPs daughters fault, it's all on OP and her husband. OP seems to be swerving that even though most posters are saying the sane thing.

I only read the opening sentence and decided YABU.

I wouldn't tell her to grow up but would probably sit down and go right to get money for your friends you will need to do chores.
Get the other siblings doing age appropriate chores as well. Even my 5 year old sets the table and clears away from dinner!

I don't think your expectations are unreasonable at all for a 14 year old. I was helping my mum cooking dinner every night at that age, even if it was just peeling potatoes or boiling pasta. And going to school on my own, shops if they needed something etc.
All kids in my family (nieces, nephews etc) would be expected to do this to help anyway.

But as you said there wasn't any expectations for her to help before, so it won't be happen by magic. Particularly if she is a bit immature as you describe.
I think you should talk to all your kids and define the way they are all expected to help doing small things around the house.

As for the attitude, silly comments or faces when you're breastfeeding,... I would definitely definitely tell her to grow up!

I agree with you OP. I don't think you're asking for anything unreasonable. I think it's good to learn to accommodate others to some extent and help support the family. I'd think you should be able to ask exactly the same if your child were a boy.

I know she didn't ask for the sibling. We have families across the world that have to do all sorts of unbelievable tasks for their family; nothing quite like OP is asking her daughter.

I'd have a gentle word with her. I'd explain that you aren't asking for much. I'd remind her of all the things you do to help run the family, includes for her. Supporting you is a lesson in give and take in a family. You didn't ask for much seriously.

Generally I'm all for teens having to help around the house, but not by having to do more because of a new sibling?

Did you ask her before having a 4th baby? I don't think it's fair to ask her to do more chores because of your decision, especially when she's going to be disturbed by a baby/toddler during some really important years.

YANBU. Helping other people out when they need it is something a teen of her age should understand. If the supermarket is 5 mins away, I don’t see why she couldn’t go. I’d have encouraged her with the offer that she could chose something small for herself, but it’s immature of her not to notice that you might need some help. Did she not do little things to help with her younger siblings, eg fetch a toy, nappy, towel, etc?

Poor kid…. your poor daughter….she’s still a child…..

Get cross with her when she refuses to help. You can say to her that you blame yourself for not having made any.demands on her before, but she’s old enough to give you a bit of support and help now and again as family circumstances have changed and you’ve all got to muck in. This situation would be literally unbelievable in many cultures, and in the UK, years ago. I’m not sure how we’ve reached the point where it’s almost considered by some to be putting too much pressure on them, to expect children to help around the house or with errands. We’re much too child-centric as a nation, imo. Of course it’s important to care well for our children, but that includes having the expectation that they will perform basic household tasks. It’s good for them! We’re not talking trekking miles to get water, like some poor kids are in the appalling position of having to do, are we?

It's absolutely concerning and weird to be "mortified" to see a woman breastfeeding. My SD coped perfectly fine with seeing me BF even though she wasn't breastfed herself. I'd be very, very ashamed and disappointed if my teenage daughter had such a warped perception of normal and healthy motherhood.

I wouldn’t be expecting a kid to help me out with a newborn tbh. Thats on you, you decided to have a baby, she didn’t decide to have one, I imagine she wasn’t given a vote?

Honestly I get it, I don’t think popping to the shops is a big deal and in a family we all pitch in but she doesn’t sound happy about all this and I would consider minimising the impact on her to try to encourage a sibling relationship.

The silliness around bf etc would annoy me, my son was 11 and 14 when his younger siblings were born and wasn’t embarrassed at all about me bf’ing his siblings. I don’t know what it is with some kids though as only my middle child is one who doesn’t mind going to the shops. My mum was always sending me, from a young age

I really don't thinks it is unreasonable to expect any 14 year old to help out. All members of the same household should be willing to muck in when and where needed.

In this case I suspect 14 yr old dd is sick of babies and younger siblings, and the chaos and upheaval it all brings. Whilst I wouldn't put up with disrespect and bratty behaviour I would also be more sympathetic to how much yet another baby sibling is impacting her.

Try and find some time to spend with her one on one. Take her out alone for an hour and explain how you may rely on her from time to time and that you are so proud of how grown up she has become etc. Involve her rather than nag her would be my advice.