to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

absolutely ridiculous post why the hell would anybody have to ask their older dcs permission to have another child! That's the most stupidest thing I've ever heard, if we all asked our dc1s permission to have another then there would rarely be any dc2 fgs!

This is your problem.

You had zero expectations before but now baby is here that has changed.

I'm not saying you're wrong but surely you can see why she is going to be pissed off.

You have turned her life upside down at a time when she is starting to prepare for the first big exams of her life. In the kindest way you are coming across as massively entitled and self centered.

You and your DH chose to have another child, if you can't cope with day to day life like you could before then you need to pay for additional help, not rely on your teenager.

I was 14 when my mum had a baby and I helped out a lot. My cousins were the same for my auntie. We never had to be shouted at though, I think it was in our nature. I think you need at accept who she is and what she is willing to do, you can't force it.

Pop them in a pram if you live near a shop?

You sit all the kids down and make a daily chore chart including chores for each child.
Example - empties bins, lays tables, helps fold laundry, brings laundry down to be washed, washes up or fills and empties dishwasher, hoovers or brushes floors, peels vegetables.

Oh and the 9 & 6 year old can help too. My 7 year old helps with lots of chores at home. 5 year old helps unload & load dishwasher.

And within a family you understand when someone is having a tough time and cut them some slack. 14 can be really hard, there is a lot going on friendships, school, insecurities etc without adding in a new sibling. The OP is in a 'hard time' of her own making, she is also an adult so more capable of handling a hard time than a hormonal 14 year old.

I have a 14yr old dd, I see how tough navigating friendships, keeping on top of school work, keeping on top of her own worries can be for her. If I dropped a baby shaped bomb in her life she would really struggle. I think the ops dd needs kindness, show it and you are more likely to get it in return.

I think that is really the issue. I think you need to make time to talk to your daughter to let her express how she feels about the change in the family. If her brothers are at primary school they have to be at least 4 probably 5 so that is quite a gap since you've had a baby in the house. Yes all members of a household should chip in to help BUT it sounds to me that this baby has meant a big change to your daughter's life and she is unsettled hence her comments about breast feeding. Let her know you still care for her as much as you did before. Have you perhaps not talked to her because you are afraid of what she might be feeling? Instead of talking to all us mumsnetters, I think you should take time to talk and listen to her.

Really? That's a ball dropped I'd say tbh. Next time you can (baby sleeping or even better get your DH to take the younger 3 out), sit down for a hot chocolate or whatever together and have a chat.

It's very unusual that a 14 year old isn't used to going out and about by herself - at that age I knew every cheap makeup product available in our town! Start to gently encourage her out of her shell for her own sake. But this clearly isn't the time to be worrying about chores.

Personally I think you're remiss in not talking to her before and since the baby was born about her feelings. It smacks of complete lack of consideration and respect that you would just make this enormous change in her life and expect her to get on with it without any conversation or acknowledgment of her feelings. (Not saying you needed to ask permission but yes her feelings ought to be sought and validated). On the one hand you want her to suddenly "grow up" but on the other hand you act unilaterally without even checking in on her experience or giving her the time and space to up to you.

You say you've not even spent much 1-1 time with her recently. No wonder your child is hurting deeply.

Massive age gap, she’s probably feeling put out. Shes still a child and you’re expecting her to do adult stuff. I’d try and focus on making this a positive experience for her and not one that plunges her into a new territory.

Sadly that's not how it works. 1. There's no need to grow up if mum/parents do everything and 2. Coupled with anxiety/worry(you say she won't be home alone for 5 minutes) there is no will to either.

You're several years behind and so is she. Not too late to start (not right away though so she doesn't associate it with the new baby) and definitely the time to start with your younger kids.

My mum had a baby when I was 14 and I was really jealous even though I knew it was irrational and felt like my life had massively changed without my consent. I also don’t get why you couldn’t have waited to go to the shop when baby woke up to be honest. We all know the exhaustion is real but life has to go on regardless

You have a teenager who suffers from anxiety and is starting her GCSEs and you have 2 other primary age kids and you’ve decided to add another baby to this mix. You can’t be pissed off at your teen because she isn’t doing chores you’ve never taught her to do

I thought that growing up and a gaining more independence would come naturally from the individual themselves

Clearly you've not met all the 30 year old men who still live with their parents and can barely find the light switch let alone run washing, clean up etc.

If you don't expect a lot of someone they will often do fuck all.

yes because you're making it about the baby.

i've had a baby so you have to do chores!

how is that fair? You're treating her differently because you got pregnant. You won't even stay home alone so you've clearly babied her and now suddenly she's expected to mature overnight into the home help

No we haven't ever discussed the baby really or how she feels about it.

Are you serious??

You probably should.

This is a good point. And the daughter’s strategy is working, because she is now the focus of her mother’s attention. Albeit annoyance, but all attention is good attention if you’ve been feeling neglected.

Is this a complaint or a boast?

Oh dear.

Well, you're reaping what you've sown. 14 year olds need just as much guidance, encouragement and support as toddlers - of course she's not going to become independent when you've done everything for her and have never even shown her how to go to a supermarket by herself

This should have started years ago.

No we haven't ever discussed the baby really or how she feels about it.

You really should. It isn't typical for your parents to have a baby when you are that age and its probably quite confusing and embarrassing for her.