to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

You said earlier she gets money to go places with her friends then you've said she only walks to school with them, that's it. (and can't be home alone for more than 5 minutes!) Which is it? Is she nt? Because a child in year 10 is normally (ime of 30 years teaching) a whole heck more independent.

Never had chores to do because you've done everything for her? You've made a rod for your own back there, but she does sound extremely spoiled and totally unprepared for life doing GCSEs. She surely knows how to buy stuff in a shop? She must have seen you doing it thousands of times.

I do wish people would at least read the OP's posts. Same dad to all 4 kids, not an only child and baby is not a half sib!

Anxiety about performing tasks herself sounds unrelated to a new baby and should be treated as such.

What are you doing to address this?

The new baby thing is going to slow this down not improve it, so I'm not sure why the new baby is being mentioned as if that is a reason she should suddenly be better at something? It's probably a reason for her to be worse at it.

Help her as you would have before a new baby was on the horizon.

Thinking breastfeeding is "disgusting" doesn't fall into the category of "thing which takes confidence and feels scary." It's not scary. It doesn't require confidence to be respectful when someone is breastfeeding. Trying to stop an adult partner from breastfeeding is classed as domestic abuse. If a teenager was doing anything else that would be considered abusive in an adult there'd be no hesitation whatsoever in telling them to cut it out or face a consequence.

This post summed up exactly what I think.

I've got a 14 year old DD and she's expected to help around the house she lives in, but would I expect her to seamlessly adjust to this? Absolutely not.

They are so much more emotionally delicate than people allow for & being a teenager is bloody hard. Adding an (unasked for) sibling to the mix , without giving considering how their world changes feels really unfair to me.

You need to show her how to do those things. Then you need to be with her while she does those things. Only then will she feel confident to do them on her own.

My 14 year old can handle conversations with strangers really well, my 17 year old can't. My 17 year old can stand up in front of a crowd and perform, my 14 year old can't. All teens are not the same. What your stepdaughter can handle is irrelevant to what the ops dd can handle.

What is relevant is noticing what your kids can't handle and working on helping them learn. Not shaming them or getting angry at them for struggling.

My mum had my brother when I was 15, she seemed to forget that I existed except to ask for help with washing, cleaning cooking and looking after my younger siblings. She never had one thought to the fact that I was only 15 and had my own stuff going on, exams, friendship issues, generally trying to navigate the world and I could have really done with a bit of support. By the time I was 17 I was fed up with it all, managed to scrape into Uni and moved into halls. I never went home much at Uni as I was treated like a free babysitter and house maid when I did go home. The best thing I ever did was move away and go NC. I have the most wonderful MIL who treats me like a daughter and she’s been a huge part of my life since I was 18.

It’s not a 14/15 year olds fault that their parents choose to have more children and they shouldn’t be expected to “help” with siblings.

It sounds like this teenager is very anxious and should be being supported in that.

grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake. She’s still trying to navigate the world and this was something my mother used to say. My advice would be make time for her when no other siblings are around. Don’t make the mistake my mother made as she’s now living to regret how she treated me and I can never forgive her for that.

I think you are getting a hard time. If you had missed out the newborn and just said she wasn't willing to help or pop to the shop you would have been told she is being a pity little madam.

This, lots of change happened and to happen soon? Where's the baby's room going to end up being? Will the 14yo have to share? Or be other moved?

If for some insane reason you choose to have another baby after such big gaps then you should be doing the jobs.

What a strange assumption. There is nothing dirty or unpleasant about a mother feeding her child. As I said further up, my stepdaughter coped perfectly fine. If your teenager can't, you've done a very poor job of educating them.

Sorry OP she sounds a spoilt brat . No wonder teens are going off the rails when absolute no expectations have been made of them ever .

She is not used to doing chores or helping and gets what she want money wise with no need to earn it .
You are reeping what you've sowed I'm afraid .

I don't understand how you are very close but haven't spoken about the biggest thing happening in both of your lives, especially when you know she is an anxious child. Did you avoid it on purpose because you knew she wasn't feeling positive about it?

What did you need so desperately from the shop that you had to get a neighbour to do it and not wait for DH to get home?

If you’re struggling so much then your DH is going to need to take some annual leave of something to help you out more.

She should not have extra responsibilities just because you chose to have another baby.

I feel really sorry for this poor girl.
You are struggling to cope and you are taking it out on her, which is really unfair.

There’s your problem. My DS1 was nearly 8 when DS2 was born. He fetched nappies and other stuff for me and helped clear the table etc. You're going to have to start now with them all, not just the eldest. The boys can fetch and carry stuff within the house at their ages. If she sees them being asked, she might be more willing to help herself.

Goodness OP is getting a lot of hate on this thread!!

I'm with you OP - As a nearly adult member of the household, she should be helping out, so long as it doesn't interfere with her schooling or social activities. Would be the same if someone was ill, or lost their job or whatever. She should be learning that families pull together in times of stress. If it were me, I'd do the natural consequences thing. Get a Beelivery if you need something from the shop. Next time your teenager asks for money for something, it's "sorry, I don't have anything extra to give you, as had to spend it on deliveries".

As for saying you're "gross", that's awful, crass and disrespectful.

I get it's a period of adjustment, but it doesn't excuse how she's being imo. You haven't done anything wrong having another baby!! As some on here seem to be suggesting. What an odd and disturbing mindset...

@MrsSunshine2b Why are you conflating breastfeeding and sex? That's weird and creepy. There's nothing sexual about feeding a baby. a 14year old does not want to see her mother's boobs at all!!!!!

A teenager shouldn't be expected to pick up the slack due to a new baby.

If there are tasks that needed to be done like go to the supermarket that were reasonable to ask of a teenager these should have been asked before the baby was born not suddenly after, otherwise you are expecting her to pick up the slack due to a new baby.

In her teenage years she probably needs a bit more time and parenting but will have to receive less due to the new baby. It happens but it's not ideal and is understandable that she doesn't want to suddenly do tasks due to a new sibling, as she is not the default parent just because she's the oldest.

In the past children were asked to do a lot more work like this and as a result I think it caused damage that has led to a more child focussed parenting style that allows children to be children for their whole childhood. Those who have this freedom fare better in my opinion than those who have to help out with baby siblings during their crucial teenage years because their parents are too exhausted from parenting the babies.

Chances are if you didn't have a new baby she still wouldn't go to the shop on her own.

She's not miraculously going to grow up just because you had a baby.

In fact she might regress for a while and behave like a younger age while she processes the changes and your sudden lack of availability and attention.

She might go to the shop for something for herself. That might be a place to start. Like herself and another young sibling could go and buy treats. Rather than being made do it.

If your dd is worried about stuff like the self checkout then go to the shops with her and get her to do the buying. I think that everyone who is able to self checkout today will sympathise that the first times doing it as a bit nerve wracking but practice makes perfect and try staff aren’t judging if the machine goes wrong.

Repeat this kind of support with everything that she worries about. She isn’t going to suddenly say that she’s ready so break it down and practice. Accomplishing self care tasks like going to the shops will be good for her self confidence and help her become an adult more easily. You don’t want to be one of those parents who have to drive to her to uni to change her bedding because she doesn’t know how to change a duvet cover and do more laundry.

Was not commenting on the behaviour of the child of the op but the poster who said to leave her alone as she’s just a child….