to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

What a shame for her. I have 7 DBs and am so so close to the youngest 3 as I looked after them a lot. It is a shame she is missing out on this.

Agree with all this. Posters are just being arsey because it's AIBU but no generally it's very normal and expected to help out at home and not be rude. If she's 'struggling' with something then she needs a conversation to find out what's wrong, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't generally help out like everyone else.

Children should not need to “step up” or become a third parent to a sibling. Children aged 14/15 should also not need to support their parents, they are still children growing up. 14 is certainly not practically an adult either.

@the3e7s , you chose to have this baby. The responsibility for the baby is yours not your poor daughter. Your attitude in my opinion stinks!

A 14 year old who hasn't been parented is not 'nearly an adult' .

Your daughter sounds extremely anxious. If she's too nervous to go to the supermarket on her own then the added pressure of having to get something urgently for you was probably very frightening for her.

Has she had any counselling? Or has she tried anxiety workbooks? At 14 she sounds quite far behind her peers if she can't be left alone for 5 minutes.

On the supermarket front could someone take her and walk her through the process and then go with her a second time where she does the transaction but has support with her in case she gets anxious?

Her anxiety sounds very severe, tackling it should be a priority.

Havings said noone should be asking permission of their children to have another baby, I think you made a huge mistake to do so when your teenager is clearly not functioning as one and your attention should have been on that. Don't say what you will do differently with your younger children, find a way of helping her.

OP, you say that your daughter is more than capable of doing things. But she isn't. Not if she's never done them before. The poor girl won't even go out with friends unless a parent is there? She either suffers from extreme social anxiety or she's been so over-protected that she doesn't dare to even try to do anything alone. She really does need help, there won't be a sudden conversion to capability.

@NotSoHotMess24 The daughter is not “nearly an adult “ she id 14 years old, a young teenager. It’s NOT her responsibility to help care for her new sibling. What she did or didn’t do before is a moot point. The world as she knew it has been turned upside down and her mother seems to be too stupid to realise this.

@Angeldelight50 "It must be a terrible shock for teenagers who have never had to put in any effort beyond picking their pants off the floor when they move out and realise life doesn’t work that way. "

Obviously. That's why you introduce things like this slowly as they grow up, not nothing nothing nothing then bam new baby while you're a teenager, out of the door you go on your own to do a task I've never asked of you before because I'm too busy.

That's going to feel very unfair to the teenager.

But going to clubs at 14 is inviting disaster. That’s very different than running up to the shop for milk. Don’t be disingenuous.

Sorry your the parent. You need to get the baby organised and go yourself. It's that everyone's else with more than one child does. This is a huge change for her without her being expected to do errands for you which you are able to do yourself.

She is your child, not your unpaid nanny...

You should be relying on your partner for support, not your teenage daughter.

It is a big age gap as well and she might be struggling with the new addition to your family.

Sometimes you need to go back to giving limited choices like you would a toddler. “We need x from the shops would like to go and pick it up for me or would you rather stay here watching TV while the baby sleeps and I’ll be back in 5 mins. If you do pop to the shops you can choose some biscuits while you’re there, or maybe take one of your brothers too and you can both get some sweets” sometimes taking a younger sibling gives more confidence as they’re not doing it all by themselves and they get to be the big responsible sibling.

The root of the problem is her anxiety at performing tasks by herself even when I know and I think she knows she is more than capable.

The root of the problem is that you and her father never taught her to be self-reliant. That is the problem. I really hope you don't make the same mistake with your other kids.

I was 16 when my parents had my brother. I stepped up and I'm like a 3rd parent to him - I love every moment of it.

I'm sorry your daughter isn't giving you the same support. It's what families do, dating back 000's of years. Don't listen to everyone saying that she should have no responsibilities as she's a "child" - 14 is practically an adult in my eyes!

Look it's like choosing to potty train a toddler just as a new baby arrives.

Sure, you can.

Sure, the toddler needs to be potty trained.

Is when a new baby arrives the best time to do it? Hell no.

You're choosing to start independence training for your teen girls just as a new baby arrives. You can. Yes, she does need to learn independence. But just as a new baby arrives? Bad idea.

Fuck off. Shes not yr maid.

As someone who had to help out doing bottles, nappies and babysitting as a teenager I came on here fully ready to flame you but having read your post, I agree with you.

OP isn’t allowed to ask her 14 year old to nip to the shop for her? Seriously?

It must be a terrible shock for teenagers who have never had to put in any effort beyond picking their pants off the floor when they move out and realise life doesn’t work that way. I actually think it’s important parents in-still a level of responsibility and resilience in their children.

Not to derail the thread but.. I am in my 30s (so not particularly old) and I see a noticeable difference in the attitude of graduates we have recently recruited at work. A certain ‘why should I’ entitlement. They had to learn it from somewhere..

Poor kid. I feel so very sorry for her. You should be ensuring you don’t completely fuck up your relationship with her, not treat her like a mothers help.

I remember when my best friend parent's had a baby and my friend who was 12 at the time was mortified, embarrassed and furious. This lasted all through her teenage years, the age gap was so big, being mid teens and having a toddler then infant school sibling was of no interest to her. Sister was only 6 when my friend left home to go to uni. They have never been close, from the parent's perspective it was like having two different families.

Are you really that dense?

You don't teach a child how to ride a bike by sending them out the door while telling them to put their feet on the pedals and pedal. You have to show them, and then be with them until they feel safe enough on their own.